Page 5 | To want to know when he’s coming home?

Waitykatey · 2025-09-17T12:30:41+00:00

My partner moved in with me recently. He works with his dad and their studio is connected to his parents house. They tend to finish work about 5:30. Unless we have specific plans together, he’ll usually just hang around at his parents after work, eat dinner with them, use his dad’s home gym or whatever. Because of this, if we don’t have proper plans, I don’t know when he’s coming home. It’s never super late. Sometimes it’s around 9:30 but not usually later. He’ll bring his own food home if he hasn’t eaten with his parents. It’s starting to drive me a bit mad. I feel like a nag if I keep asking him if/when he’ll be back and if I should save him some dinner. He’s so used to this routine from before he lived with me (he lived alone then but considered his parents house “home”) and he doesn’t think anything of it, but I spent the last couple of nights waiting around a bit, with no real idea when he’s coming back. Obviously I do my own thing if it comes up but that doesn’t happen all the time. About half the week we have entirely separate plans anyway. Last night he said he’d had a busy day and was tired so he was just chilling there for a an hour before he decided what to do, but after a few hours with still no update, I got a bit irritated and for the first time ever sent an angry message. It wasn’t particularly late - it was only 9pm but I’d asked him 2 hours prior what his plan was, and still didn’t get a straight answer. I don’t feel good about that and I apologised but I think it was starting to get to me as I start so many of my evenings not knowing if he’s coming back for the evening. He got a bit annoyed with this as he said he didn’t always like to plan in advance and wanted to sometimes play by ear. He’s so reliable and never ever lets me down if we have something planned, but if we don’t, I don’t get any idea when he’ll be home. He’s not doing anything untoward, he’s definitely always there at his parents. AIBU to want some idea of his whereabouts and timings now we live together? Or is it quite normal to not give your partner this info?

NoisyLittleOtter · 17/09/2025 15:56

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:50

I was expecting I’d be told I was being controlling and needy! Hence I asked if IABU to expect to know his plans.

I am not backtracking. I am sharing more context as this thread alone makes him sound awful, when he really isn’t,

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I don’t think the thread makes him sound awful and I don’t think you’ve misrepresented anything. I still wouldn’t put up with this situation though. If he’s just hanging around on the sofa watching TV and his parents aren’t even there, why can’t he go and do that at his actual home? Honestly I thought you were going to say you were both in your early twenties.

Dragonfly97 · 17/09/2025 15:54

I had a similar problem with my husband not long after we married; in the evenings a couple of times a week he'd slope off to his parent's house, and one night he went straight there from work, while I hung around wondering when to start tea.

I made it quite clear we were heading for divorce if he didn't pack it in and decide whether he wanted to be married or not, and things improved. We still have his mum on the phone every day DH is at home ( he works away during the week) and I've warned him about that, he feels sorry for her because she's had a pretty miserable life with FIL, but that's her choice, she's stayed with him.

BuckChuckets · 17/09/2025 15:53

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:42

I am pissed off when he doesn’t let me know when he’ll be back. but he’s an otherwise lovely lovely man. I suspect we could all give examples of our partners behaviour that would make them look intolerable in isolation.

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I'm sure most people could - but most people don't post about them on MN unless those examples are causing them major concern/upset.

BadgernTheGarden · 17/09/2025 15:53

Can you go to his parents for tea and/or to hang out?

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 17/09/2025 15:53

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:50

I was expecting I’d be told I was being controlling and needy! Hence I asked if IABU to expect to know his plans.

I am not backtracking. I am sharing more context as this thread alone makes him sound awful, when he really isn’t,

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His behaviour is awful though - if he respected you, your relationship or your time he wouldn’t be going round for tea with mummy and daddy and sitting on their sofa watching TV instead of coming home to you.

Starlight1984 · 17/09/2025 15:52

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:50

I was expecting I’d be told I was being controlling and needy! Hence I asked if IABU to expect to know his plans.

I am not backtracking. I am sharing more context as this thread alone makes him sound awful, when he really isn’t,

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It doesn't make him sound awful.

It makes him sound odd.

You've only just moved in together and half of the week he is spending the evenings in his parents house (even when they are not there) for no reason rather than coming home to you?

Original poster

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:50

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 17/09/2025 15:44

This is such an odd thread. You started off complaining massively about his shitty behaviour and now everyone is agreeing with you, you’re back-tracking and going on about how lovely he is

I was expecting I’d be told I was being controlling and needy! Hence I asked if IABU to expect to know his plans.

I am not backtracking. I am sharing more context as this thread alone makes him sound awful, when he really isn’t,

OP posts:

Original poster

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:47

Sassylovesbooks · 17/09/2025 15:42

Your partner is either living with you or he isn't. He can't sleep at your home, but spend the rest of his evening once he's finished work with his parents! I understand to a degree when he was single. I don't think you are being unreasonable OP, at all. I think your partner needs to decide where he's living. Why is he eating at his parents? He should be coming home and having a meal and evening time, with you. If your partner left work at 5.30 pm, would he be home before you or after? Is he staying at his parents to avoid having to do any domestic chores like cooking, tidying the kitchen, washing up/loading the dishwasher?!!!! If he spent large proportions of his time whilst single, with his parents, my guess is, he's not used to cooking for himself or domestic chores!!! Likelihood is, his Mum did all this for him!

I do agree with this and I’ve said this to him. If he had a normal office job, he’d come home after work (presumably…), hence what he does a couple of nights a week now is not what I’d consider normal, and exactly why I wrote this thread.

It’s definitely not about chores or cooking. He’s very domestic (I’m not!). More likely he’d be helping his parents with something round the house, rather than coming home.

It does indeed drive me mad and I agree with the PPs who’ve said it’s inconsiderate, but there’s no ill intention that I can tell. More just he’d old a stuck in his ways.

OP posts:

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 17/09/2025 15:45

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:42

I am pissed off when he doesn’t let me know when he’ll be back. but he’s an otherwise lovely lovely man. I suspect we could all give examples of our partners behaviour that would make them look intolerable in isolation.

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Lovely men don’t take advantage of their ageing parents instead of coming home to their partners, and they certainly don’t get annoyed when they’re asked for their plans for the evening.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 17/09/2025 15:44

This is such an odd thread. You started off complaining massively about his shitty behaviour and now everyone is agreeing with you, you’re back-tracking and going on about how lovely he is

Snizzywu · 17/09/2025 15:43

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Exactly! It’s like she switched up when posters started criticising him. But she obviously thought it was an issue too when she started the thread.

Starlight1984 · 17/09/2025 15:43

Yeah I've got to agree with others OP... Not really sure why you started this thread because all you have done is back-pedalled since your first post!

BuckChuckets · 17/09/2025 15:42

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:25

Not remotely. We both have grown up children.

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So he's a middle aged man and still can't behave like an adult in a relationship? Eww.

Original poster

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:42

Jacobfinished · 17/09/2025 15:05

Ok so…. You’ve gone from feeling decidedly pissed off to…. Hey, chill out guys, he’s a gem.

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I am pissed off when he doesn’t let me know when he’ll be back. but he’s an otherwise lovely lovely man. I suspect we could all give examples of our partners behaviour that would make them look intolerable in isolation.

OP posts:

Snizzywu · 17/09/2025 15:42

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:39

The other way round he’d be delighted for some quiet time and delighted I’d had a nice evening. He’s utterly relaxed and happy-go-lucky, but forgets not everyone else is! I like a bit of structure.

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But you’re not him.

You’ve told him it bothers you and he keeps doing it.

If he cares about you he will either stop doing this ideally or at least update you if he does decide to spend his evening with his parents.

It’s not about being relaxed and happy go lucky. He’s being inconsiderate. And I expect you know that hence you started this thread.

Sassylovesbooks · 17/09/2025 15:42

Your partner is either living with you or he isn't. He can't sleep at your home, but spend the rest of his evening once he's finished work with his parents! I understand to a degree when he was single. I don't think you are being unreasonable OP, at all. I think your partner needs to decide where he's living. Why is he eating at his parents? He should be coming home and having a meal and evening time, with you. If your partner left work at 5.30 pm, would he be home before you or after? Is he staying at his parents to avoid having to do any domestic chores like cooking, tidying the kitchen, washing up/loading the dishwasher?!!!! If he spent large proportions of his time whilst single, with his parents, my guess is, he's not used to cooking for himself or domestic chores!!! Likelihood is, his Mum did all this for him!

Jacobfinished · 17/09/2025 15:41

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tumblingdowntherabbithole · 17/09/2025 15:41

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:39

The other way round he’d be delighted for some quiet time and delighted I’d had a nice evening. He’s utterly relaxed and happy-go-lucky, but forgets not everyone else is! I like a bit of structure.

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He doesn’t sound “happy go lucky” - he sounds like he’s taking advantage of his mum and dad and hasn’t grown up in the slightest.

BuckChuckets · 17/09/2025 15:40

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 14:55

Probably twice a week. It used to be a lot more when we first lived together but we have more of a routine now.

I was very irritated when I wrote the post so perhaps misconstrued.

Friday - Sunday we’re always together, and we have separate activity that we do a couple of week nights.

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So does it bother you or not bother you?

You've told him you want him to let you know if he's going to be late back, and he got annoyed with you? That would not be acceptable to me!

Original poster

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:40

Moveoverdarlin · 17/09/2025 15:29

Yeah this would drive me nuts. It sounds like he sees that as his home more than where he lives with you.

I do think this part is true. It’s the house he grew up in. This is why I think it’s natural for him to be there without giving it much thought.

OP posts:

Jacobfinished · 17/09/2025 15:40

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:39

The other way round he’d be delighted for some quiet time and delighted I’d had a nice evening. He’s utterly relaxed and happy-go-lucky, but forgets not everyone else is! I like a bit of structure.

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It’s just the two of you with grown up adult kids

how hectic are your lives that carving out such regular “quite time” is so important?

Original poster

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:39

RogerR4bbit · 17/09/2025 15:15

You said he’d be fine if it was he other way around, but have you tested that theory?

Has he ever come home by, say, 6:30pm and contacted you to find out where you are and you said “I’m just out chilling, I’ll be back in an hour” and then not come back?

How many evenings does he have alone in your home?

I suspect his evenings are spent either at his parents, home with you, or out doing a planned activity/hobby/seeing friends etc. Therefore he’s never the one sat at home, expecting you to walk through the door any minute and you just don’t.

The other way round he’d be delighted for some quiet time and delighted I’d had a nice evening. He’s utterly relaxed and happy-go-lucky, but forgets not everyone else is! I like a bit of structure.

OP posts:

Snizzywu · 17/09/2025 15:36

This story is getting even stranger, I assumed you were both in your 20s or early 30s. Grown up kids means you’re probably 45+ ?

So a man in his 40s/50s just skulking around his parents house after a days work with his Dad, when he’s got a partner waiting for him at home.

Well at his age and having already raised a child and presumably had at least one long term relationship, this is probably just who he is. I guess you either accept it or move on. It all seems very odd to me though.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 17/09/2025 15:31

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:25

Not remotely. We both have grown up children.

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Good Lord, that’s even more depressing.

So he’s what, in his fifties and still goes round mummy and daddy’s to watch TV and have his tea cooked for him? Is he not absolutely mortified to be taking advantage like he is?

Jacobfinished · 17/09/2025 15:30

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:25

Not remotely. We both have grown up children.

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You’re kidding?

bloody hell op. He goes round to his aging mummy and daddy twice a week for dinner and then just to sit in their home (and breathe in their scent) sometimes when they’re not there??

How old are the kids involved? No one living at home?
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