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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know when he’s coming home?

164 replies

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 13:30

My partner moved in with me recently. He works with his dad and their studio is connected to his parents house. They tend to finish work about 5:30.

Unless we have specific plans together, he’ll usually just hang around at his parents after work, eat dinner with them, use his dad’s home gym or whatever.

Because of this, if we don’t have proper plans, I don’t know when he’s coming home. It’s never super late. Sometimes it’s around 9:30 but not usually later. He’ll bring his own food home if he hasn’t eaten with his parents.

It’s starting to drive me a bit mad. I feel like a nag if I keep asking him if/when he’ll be back and if I should save him some dinner.

He’s so used to this routine from before he lived with me (he lived alone then but considered his parents house “home”) and he doesn’t think anything of it, but I spent the last couple of nights waiting around a bit, with no real idea when he’s coming back. Obviously I do my own thing if it comes up but that doesn’t happen all the time. About half the week we have entirely separate plans anyway.

Last night he said he’d had a busy day and was tired so he was just chilling there for a an hour before he decided what to do, but after a few hours with still no update, I got a bit irritated and for the first time ever sent an angry message. It wasn’t particularly late - it was only 9pm but I’d asked him 2 hours prior what his plan was, and still didn’t get a straight answer. I don’t feel good about that and I apologised but I think it was starting to get to me as I start so many of my evenings not knowing if he’s coming back for the evening.

He got a bit annoyed with this as he said he didn’t always like to plan in advance and wanted to sometimes play by ear.

He’s so reliable and never ever lets me down if we have something planned, but if we don’t, I don’t get any idea when he’ll be home.

He’s not doing anything untoward, he’s definitely always there at his parents.

AIBU to want some idea of his whereabouts and timings now we live together? Or is it quite normal to not give your partner this info?

OP posts:
caringcarer · 17/09/2025 17:16

He sounds like a Mummy's boy. I would find this very irritating but would probably just go out with friends not letting him know when I'd be in or out. See how he likes it.

Clychaugog · 17/09/2025 17:13

I think you should just assume that he's not coming home every night until 9 - 9.30.

I think you should also just assume that he doesn't want dinner with you unless he specifically says to you he'll be home to eat with you. Don't be chasing him around to find out his plans. Just cook yourself something nice!

Don't be putting your life on hold for him and just get on with your own stuff.

Kevinbaconsrealwife · 17/09/2025 17:12

Velvian · 17/09/2025 14:05

I think he needs to move back to his parents. I also think you should end tge relationship as he is not an independent adult.

100% this….

IOSTT · 17/09/2025 17:12

@Waitykatey the evenings he doesn’t let you know his plans, just do your own thing, make dinner only for yourself etc.

columnatedruinsdomino · 17/09/2025 17:03

I don't think I would include him in any dinner plans during the week.

tripleginandtonic · 17/09/2025 17:02

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 17/09/2025 13:32

Sorry, I wouldn’t be tolerating this - he’s a grown adult, he doesn’t need to be at mummy and daddy’s house every night for his tea.

But by the same token as a grown adult he can decide how he wants to spend his time. Just as OP as a grown adult can suggest he moves out again if he doesn't prioritise time with her after work.

Stampees · 17/09/2025 17:01

Unfortunately for you, he’s making it very clear what his priorities are. Believe him.

Even if he’s lovely some of the time, he’s choosing not to come to you when he can. Please read the book “He’s Just Not That Into You.” You’ll save yourself from heartache and extra tension if you do.

Jollyhockeystickss · 17/09/2025 17:00

Agree with everyone else as ive been there and done it, i would end it but if you dont want to them he moves out doesnt have a key and he doesnt come to yours he takes you and and he doesnt stay the night at yours and i would say if he wants naughties he can book a hotel and take you away, my point being he sees home at his parents place and your place for food and s*x , i would say if hes keen let him prove it but hes already doing that by ignoring you and just turning up at yours to sleep, he hasnt moved into yours at all...

Jujujudo · 17/09/2025 16:58

If he’s moved in with you then he lives with you not his parents. You have every right to expect that he comes home and eats with you after work and that he treats you as a partner and not a side gig. It’s not being demanding telling your partner what you expect, it’s laying down boundaries.

NoisyLittleOtter · 17/09/2025 16:57

gannett · 17/09/2025 16:55

Finishing work and chilling out in a place you know is not that deep.

Show quote history

I was responding to your comment about him just wanting to spend time with his parents. His parents often aren’t there.

gannett · 17/09/2025 16:55

Palepinkpls · 17/09/2025 16:53

You do understand that the OP started a thread about her infuriation with this?

Show quote history

She seems mildly annoyed rather than INFURIATED, and also seems to be mildly annoyed at the number of posters whose default state is INFURIATION.

gannett · 17/09/2025 16:55

NoisyLittleOtter · 17/09/2025 16:52

She said he sits round there watching TV when his parents aren’t even there. It’s not about spending time with his parents, it’s about him seeing that as his home, rather than his actual home.

Show quote history

Finishing work and chilling out in a place you know is not that deep.

Palepinkpls · 17/09/2025 16:53

gannett · 17/09/2025 16:50

OP, any mention of a man spending any more than the bare minimum of time with his parents on this site will produce pages and pages of posters calling him a mummy's boy. They have issues.

I think this mostly depends on how his timing affects you. On weekday evenings the information I need is if DP will be home for dinner, because if he won't be (or if he'll be later than we usually eat) I'll have my dinner at my leisure. If he'll be back I'll wait to eat with him.

If either of us want to do something specific in an evening we'll talk ahead of time and if we're both free and up for it, then it's booked in. No hanging around chilling elsewhere! But if that's not the case we largely leave each other to be as spontaneous or not elsewhere as we want.

So while I don't think he necessarily has to give you an exact ETA every day, a rough idea is only polite, and if he decides to chill at his parents' place then it shouldn't be too hard for him to send you a text to that effect.

You do understand that the OP started a thread about her infuriation with this?

BonfireToffee · 17/09/2025 16:52

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 13:30

My partner moved in with me recently. He works with his dad and their studio is connected to his parents house. They tend to finish work about 5:30.

Unless we have specific plans together, he’ll usually just hang around at his parents after work, eat dinner with them, use his dad’s home gym or whatever.

Because of this, if we don’t have proper plans, I don’t know when he’s coming home. It’s never super late. Sometimes it’s around 9:30 but not usually later. He’ll bring his own food home if he hasn’t eaten with his parents.

It’s starting to drive me a bit mad. I feel like a nag if I keep asking him if/when he’ll be back and if I should save him some dinner.

He’s so used to this routine from before he lived with me (he lived alone then but considered his parents house “home”) and he doesn’t think anything of it, but I spent the last couple of nights waiting around a bit, with no real idea when he’s coming back. Obviously I do my own thing if it comes up but that doesn’t happen all the time. About half the week we have entirely separate plans anyway.

Last night he said he’d had a busy day and was tired so he was just chilling there for a an hour before he decided what to do, but after a few hours with still no update, I got a bit irritated and for the first time ever sent an angry message. It wasn’t particularly late - it was only 9pm but I’d asked him 2 hours prior what his plan was, and still didn’t get a straight answer. I don’t feel good about that and I apologised but I think it was starting to get to me as I start so many of my evenings not knowing if he’s coming back for the evening.

He got a bit annoyed with this as he said he didn’t always like to plan in advance and wanted to sometimes play by ear.

He’s so reliable and never ever lets me down if we have something planned, but if we don’t, I don’t get any idea when he’ll be home.

He’s not doing anything untoward, he’s definitely always there at his parents.

AIBU to want some idea of his whereabouts and timings now we live together? Or is it quite normal to not give your partner this info?

I stayed with a bloke like this, OP - I married him, in fact.

It never improved despite me asking and asking, and despite us having a child together. Now I've left him, he's back sleeping at mummy and daddy's several nights a week, and hanging out with his brothers whenever he gets the chance.

If it doesn't feel like he's picked you, it's because he hasn't.

NoisyLittleOtter · 17/09/2025 16:52

gannett · 17/09/2025 16:50

OP, any mention of a man spending any more than the bare minimum of time with his parents on this site will produce pages and pages of posters calling him a mummy's boy. They have issues.

I think this mostly depends on how his timing affects you. On weekday evenings the information I need is if DP will be home for dinner, because if he won't be (or if he'll be later than we usually eat) I'll have my dinner at my leisure. If he'll be back I'll wait to eat with him.

If either of us want to do something specific in an evening we'll talk ahead of time and if we're both free and up for it, then it's booked in. No hanging around chilling elsewhere! But if that's not the case we largely leave each other to be as spontaneous or not elsewhere as we want.

So while I don't think he necessarily has to give you an exact ETA every day, a rough idea is only polite, and if he decides to chill at his parents' place then it shouldn't be too hard for him to send you a text to that effect.

She said he sits round there watching TV when his parents aren’t even there. It’s not about spending time with his parents, it’s about him seeing that as his home, rather than his actual home.

gannett · 17/09/2025 16:50

OP, any mention of a man spending any more than the bare minimum of time with his parents on this site will produce pages and pages of posters calling him a mummy's boy. They have issues.

I think this mostly depends on how his timing affects you. On weekday evenings the information I need is if DP will be home for dinner, because if he won't be (or if he'll be later than we usually eat) I'll have my dinner at my leisure. If he'll be back I'll wait to eat with him.

If either of us want to do something specific in an evening we'll talk ahead of time and if we're both free and up for it, then it's booked in. No hanging around chilling elsewhere! But if that's not the case we largely leave each other to be as spontaneous or not elsewhere as we want.

So while I don't think he necessarily has to give you an exact ETA every day, a rough idea is only polite, and if he decides to chill at his parents' place then it shouldn't be too hard for him to send you a text to that effect.

Palepinkpls · 17/09/2025 16:37

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:42

I am pissed off when he doesn’t let me know when he’ll be back. but he’s an otherwise lovely lovely man. I suspect we could all give examples of our partners behaviour that would make them look intolerable in isolation.

Show quote history

So what’s your aim with this thread? Just to let off steam? Well it’s not going to deliver Op because we’re all…. WTF??? This is a man in his fifties with grown up kids?

Justchillinhere · 17/09/2025 16:10

A lot of people post about what's bothering them then say it's not all that bad, because they also have good points, no amount of niceness would make me put up with that. This is early days!

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 17/09/2025 16:06

BadgernTheGarden · 17/09/2025 15:53

Can you go to his parents for tea and/or to hang out?

Why on earth would she want to do that? 🙈

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 17/09/2025 16:05

I think saying to you that he likes to play things by ear... and therefore cannot answer you when you text to ask what time he's coming home..... really sucks. And this is your "honeymoon" phase when living together is a novelty.

Him playing it by ear, just means that you are expected to wait around for him like a footman or a parlour maid until he suddenly decides to come home. It really affects how you spend entire evenings because you just don't know if you are doing this alone or with another person until he actually turns up.

How very spontaneous of him - to never know from one hour to the next what he's doing. Except it completely deprives you of spontaneity because you've just got to wait around for the Grand Return. And also.... its not as if he's doing anything exciting is it.. just umming and Ahhing about at his mum and dads... doing bits of DIY and dining with them. On the regular. But that's more valuable to him.

It may be small things but on a regular basis that would drive me mad because it adds up,It means you don't know whether to cook for both of you or just yourself.. do you have to wait dinner, what about shopping buy for one, buy for both, what if you wanted to go to the cinema.. or watch a particular programme with him or you'd had a difficult day and just wanted to have a conversation.

Really its almost like you are still living as a single person.

I also think that not giving you an answer when you texted him for more than two hours - particularly if this is something he's in the habit of doing.... just fucks up your evening... and its a kind of sheer arrogance. You don't deserve an answer because he's such a wild free spirit he can't commit to an actual home time.

Starlight1984 · 17/09/2025 16:00

OP - if he has grown up children, what did he do when he was with his ex-wife / in the marital home?

Londonrach1 · 17/09/2025 15:58

Sounds like he hasn't moved out mentally from his childhood home... Yanbu. I wouldn't like this I know that

GimmieABreakOr3 · 17/09/2025 15:58

Sounds like he needs to cut the chord…..

meganorks · 17/09/2025 15:57

I'm curious why he's moved in with you and not his parents. Because that seems like the better option for him. And that way he could arrange to see you when he wants and stick to those plans. What's the point of living with someone if you are never there?!

Starlight1984 · 17/09/2025 15:56

BadgernTheGarden · 17/09/2025 15:53

Can you go to his parents for tea and/or to hang out?

Why on earth would she want to do that?! 😆I love my PIL but after a day at work, the last thing I would want to do is go and sit in their house for absolutely no fucking reason at all.

Also, if OPs DP wanted to spend time with her, he would go home!!! Why would she go and sit with him in his parents house?! Maybe if they were in their late teens / early 20s but they're both middle aged!