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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want to know when he’s coming home?

164 replies

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 13:30

My partner moved in with me recently. He works with his dad and their studio is connected to his parents house. They tend to finish work about 5:30.

Unless we have specific plans together, he’ll usually just hang around at his parents after work, eat dinner with them, use his dad’s home gym or whatever.

Because of this, if we don’t have proper plans, I don’t know when he’s coming home. It’s never super late. Sometimes it’s around 9:30 but not usually later. He’ll bring his own food home if he hasn’t eaten with his parents.

It’s starting to drive me a bit mad. I feel like a nag if I keep asking him if/when he’ll be back and if I should save him some dinner.

He’s so used to this routine from before he lived with me (he lived alone then but considered his parents house “home”) and he doesn’t think anything of it, but I spent the last couple of nights waiting around a bit, with no real idea when he’s coming back. Obviously I do my own thing if it comes up but that doesn’t happen all the time. About half the week we have entirely separate plans anyway.

Last night he said he’d had a busy day and was tired so he was just chilling there for a an hour before he decided what to do, but after a few hours with still no update, I got a bit irritated and for the first time ever sent an angry message. It wasn’t particularly late - it was only 9pm but I’d asked him 2 hours prior what his plan was, and still didn’t get a straight answer. I don’t feel good about that and I apologised but I think it was starting to get to me as I start so many of my evenings not knowing if he’s coming back for the evening.

He got a bit annoyed with this as he said he didn’t always like to plan in advance and wanted to sometimes play by ear.

He’s so reliable and never ever lets me down if we have something planned, but if we don’t, I don’t get any idea when he’ll be home.

He’s not doing anything untoward, he’s definitely always there at his parents.

AIBU to want some idea of his whereabouts and timings now we live together? Or is it quite normal to not give your partner this info?

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 17/09/2025 18:01

He should want to be chilling with you, not with his parents. That alone would have me telling him to leave.
Time to find someone who values you more.

Snizzywu · 17/09/2025 18:01

any mention of a man spending any more than the bare minimum of time with his parents on this site will produce pages and pages of posters calling him a mummy's boy. They have issues.

No, they are making a good point. Let’s not forget he’s also working with his Dad. His mother probably pops by at some point during the day and/or they both see her for lunch.

So he’s already spending a large chunk or the majority of his waking hours with at least one of his parents, so way more than the “bare minimum”!

Then he goes and adds to it by staying for dinner or to chat while he has a partner alone at home and then the Cherry on the icing is that he doesn’t even text.

C152 · 17/09/2025 17:58

Personally, I'd run a mile, but I get the impression you feel the benefits outweight this one negative, which is fine if it works for you. I do think it's very odd that an adult who is old enough to have a grown up child (!) doesn't know some pretty standard relationship expectations. It actually sounds like he's a great flatmate rather than your boyfriend.

TheLemonLemur · 17/09/2025 17:51

Who instigated you moving in together? He sounds like hes used to his own space and has moved in with you to cut costs but wants to maintain a solo lifestyle where he can laze about, get fed and essentially act like a child

Palepinkpls · 17/09/2025 17:47

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:39

The other way round he’d be delighted for some quiet time and delighted I’d had a nice evening. He’s utterly relaxed and happy-go-lucky, but forgets not everyone else is! I like a bit of structure.

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** some quiet time”

both of you have adult children
his definitely won’t be living with you both, so do yours?
in any event.., he works either way his aged dad and then comes home to no dependents and his girlfriend. How busy and hectic is his life that he’s desperate for “some quiet time”?

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 17/09/2025 17:45

tripleginandtonic · 17/09/2025 17:02

But by the same token as a grown adult he can decide how he wants to spend his time. Just as OP as a grown adult can suggest he moves out again if he doesn't prioritise time with her after work.

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Well sure, but he can’t then complain that his partner is pissed off when he’s always round mummy and daddy’s instead of at his own house.

Palepinkpls · 17/09/2025 17:45

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 14:58

He pays rent, does more housework than me and is a completely equal partner. It’s just these couple of nights a week when he falls back into the same routine he had before he moved in with me.

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He pays you rent? So you’re the home owner and he’s the renter? Did he move from his parents in to your place?

Palepinkpls · 17/09/2025 17:43

BitOutOfPractice · 17/09/2025 17:37

Your “super laid back” is my “flakey”

And disinterested

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 17/09/2025 17:43

gannett · 17/09/2025 16:50

OP, any mention of a man spending any more than the bare minimum of time with his parents on this site will produce pages and pages of posters calling him a mummy's boy. They have issues.

I think this mostly depends on how his timing affects you. On weekday evenings the information I need is if DP will be home for dinner, because if he won't be (or if he'll be later than we usually eat) I'll have my dinner at my leisure. If he'll be back I'll wait to eat with him.

If either of us want to do something specific in an evening we'll talk ahead of time and if we're both free and up for it, then it's booked in. No hanging around chilling elsewhere! But if that's not the case we largely leave each other to be as spontaneous or not elsewhere as we want.

So while I don't think he necessarily has to give you an exact ETA every day, a rough idea is only polite, and if he decides to chill at his parents' place then it shouldn't be too hard for him to send you a text to that effect.

Talk about missing the point.

It’s not about him seeing his parents - it’s about him having dinner there multiple times a week, hanging out there when they’re not even home and preferring to sit there on his own rather than coming back to his own house and seeing his partner.

Palepinkpls · 17/09/2025 17:43

gannett · 17/09/2025 16:55

She seems mildly annoyed rather than INFURIATED, and also seems to be mildly annoyed at the number of posters whose default state is INFURIATION.

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It’s starting to drive me a bit mad

infuriated enough to start a pretty long thread about it

either way..,. In the space of an hour the op seems to have gone from rightfully pissed off about this to…. Back off mumsnet, he’s dreamt

when he’s clearly very far from dreamy in most of our opinions!

tipsyraven · 17/09/2025 17:41

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 17/09/2025 16:05

I think saying to you that he likes to play things by ear... and therefore cannot answer you when you text to ask what time he's coming home..... really sucks. And this is your "honeymoon" phase when living together is a novelty.

Him playing it by ear, just means that you are expected to wait around for him like a footman or a parlour maid until he suddenly decides to come home. It really affects how you spend entire evenings because you just don't know if you are doing this alone or with another person until he actually turns up.

How very spontaneous of him - to never know from one hour to the next what he's doing. Except it completely deprives you of spontaneity because you've just got to wait around for the Grand Return. And also.... its not as if he's doing anything exciting is it.. just umming and Ahhing about at his mum and dads... doing bits of DIY and dining with them. On the regular. But that's more valuable to him.

It may be small things but on a regular basis that would drive me mad because it adds up,It means you don't know whether to cook for both of you or just yourself.. do you have to wait dinner, what about shopping buy for one, buy for both, what if you wanted to go to the cinema.. or watch a particular programme with him or you'd had a difficult day and just wanted to have a conversation.

Really its almost like you are still living as a single person.

I also think that not giving you an answer when you texted him for more than two hours - particularly if this is something he's in the habit of doing.... just fucks up your evening... and its a kind of sheer arrogance. You don't deserve an answer because he's such a wild free spirit he can't commit to an actual home time.

Edited

This.

Gladysknightgottogetaholdofmyself · 17/09/2025 17:39

Fgs don't have children with him.

JillMW · 17/09/2025 17:38

I was expecting him to be a teenager not a grown man with grown up kids. You are making it worse for us readers by backtracking and saying you have misrepresented him.
I can only think of two options
1 You are handy for sex as his mum has got sick of him bringing people into his bedroom
2 He needs an address. Take care that your home is not being used for illegal activity.
You do sound extremely naive

BitOutOfPractice · 17/09/2025 17:37

Your “super laid back” is my “flakey”

DontLockHorns · 17/09/2025 17:36

I would be interested in his relationship history.

What happened with the mother of his grown up DCs and has he lived with anyone else since.

You saw it’s just ‘inconsiderate’ and not ‘intentional’ - it’s not possible to be both.

When he is in considerate to you he is making a choice to prioritise himself and his own needs above the relationship in his actions - he isn’t even communicating with you. He’s ignoring your normal requests.

There is not one person on this thread who thinks his behaviour is reasonable, respectful or appropriate.

And that comes down to communication - you might be both happy that he stays and eats at his parents 7 nights a week until 9pm - the details are irrelevant - the only thing that matters is if you have agreed it suits you both.

SunriseOver · 17/09/2025 17:34

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 13:38

He doesn’t even always eat with them. Sometimes he’s just chilling on the sofa there and they’re not even home.

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That's just plain weird as he has a home of his own and you there - unless he needs time alone but then really why did he move in with you?
Waiting about is deeply irritating - time to yourself and having separate plans is great, but not communicating with you and leaving you hanging is so disrespectful and thoughtless.

A proper thorough conversation is absolutely necessary - either he commits to communicate clearly with you about his plans or he moves out.

Dinosweetpea · 17/09/2025 17:29

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 13:38

He doesn’t even always eat with them. Sometimes he’s just chilling on the sofa there and they’re not even home.

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Well then he's actively avoiding you then if they aren't even there! You're supposed to go home and chill on your own sofa!

Coatsoff42 · 17/09/2025 17:28

RedSkyatNight25 · 17/09/2025 17:17

OP have you made the thread in a moment of frustration and then realised on reflection that you blew it out of proportion a bit?

Yes, this.
Maybe really think through exactly why you are pissed off when he does this. If he usually lovely etc, and you generally like him, then there must be something about this that your gut is telling you is wrong.
Work out exactly why you are annoyed ie, you feel like an afterthought, or he’s not really into the relationship, or you don’t like being left dangling waiting for him to turn up because otherwise you would have made plans.
Then work out exactly what you would like to happen instead, come straight home, or just let you know, or whatever.
Then tell him and see what he does about it.

Fingernailbiter · 17/09/2025 17:25

That’s not how "partners" behave. I’d tell him he needs to make up his mind - either he wants to be your partner or he doesn’t. At the moment he’s acting as if he doesn’t.

momtoboys · 17/09/2025 17:24

He's not your partner, he's your housemate. As long as you are clear on that and are OK on your own, the situation will be fine.

naturewalker · 17/09/2025 17:22

How long have you been in a relationship together? How long have you two been living together?

You say he is a good partner, but the fact that you are so bothered by his behavior is something to take note of. When you tell him how you feel, what does he do? Can you accept that this is just how it will be?

If he hasn't done anything to try and change, you really have to consult yourself, have an honest conversation, and decide if you'll choose to live like this. If you want more, then you deserve more.

DysmalRadius · 17/09/2025 17:22

Did he do this in previous relationships? When he had kids at home?

Thisismetooaswell · 17/09/2025 17:20

How recently is 'recently'. He hasn't lived with someone before - give him some time to get used to the 'normal' way of doing things and let him know what you expect. He isn't used to having anyone to go home to. If he doesn't change, then I would end it, but not immediately

susiedaisy1912 · 17/09/2025 17:18

outerspacepotato · 17/09/2025 14:09

So he comes to your place for sex and sleep but otherwise is at his parents'.

considered his parents house “home”

Send him back to his real home. He hasn't cut the cord.

This.

RedSkyatNight25 · 17/09/2025 17:17

OP have you made the thread in a moment of frustration and then realised on reflection that you blew it out of proportion a bit?

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