To want to know when he’s coming home?

Sorry @Waitykatey I have only read all of your posts, so I hope I am not repeating something someone else has already asked.

You said that you both have adult children, just not together? Did your boyfriend ever live with the mother of his children, and if so, for how long please? Also, if they did live together, where did they live? I am imaging that if his parents house is quite large, they might have all lived there. If not, how many years did he live away from home, and if, as you say, your boyfriend is lovely, laid back, and helps with, or actually does, more of the household chores, how, and/or why, did his previous relationship finish?

I can't see any reason why his children's mother would want to break up with him, as he sounds almost perfect? I also can't see why he would want to break up with her, his partner, if he is as laid back as you said - what did she do that was so bad that he couldn't be with her any longer, if it was that way around?

If he lived for say 12 to 15 years in a property he shared with his partner/wife, surely he should have got over the feeling by now that the place he feels most relaxed in, and at home in, is still his parents house?

Anyway, I have several other questions I would like to ask in order to get a clearer picture, but in essence, and imo, the easiest and best way for him to want to, and be able to, relax the most in his own home - the one he shares with you - is for him to discipline himself for 6 out of a week's 7 nights, to come straight home from work, or after using the gym, to your joint home. If you are always late home on a specific night of the week, and he likes having a couple of hours just relaxing watching the TV, or reading etc whilst being totally alone, possibly in order to have no interruptions at all, then you should agree together that you will usually not get home until say 8.30pm, or whatever time suits you both on that evening. Obviously, If you wanted the same consideration, then another evening should be stipulated for that to happen.

Ideally, I think that he should still go back to his parents house once a week, after work, when his parents, or at least his DM, is at home, and have dinner with her/them, and then come home to you by about 9.00pm. If you are wanting one - known - evening alone like he does, to relax in your favourite way, than that should be the ideal evening for him to have dinner at his parents house.

Please explain to him that if he really wants you both to share a relaxed and happy relationship, you will probably both need to make some compromises, and doing that will probably cause some - or maybe even a little more than some - discomfort to begin with. Again, imo, it is essential that he trains himself into relaxing, and feeling most at home, in your joint home. If it is warm enough, does he like being naked, because he can, and maybe should, at least at the beginning, lounge around naked in your lounge, and/or pleasure himself if he feels like it, as neither of those things are something he could do at his parents place - unless they are naturists of course 🙈 *

For this relationship to be happy and fair, you need to communicate with other both calmly and caringly, and then work at it! It isn't being 'unromantic' for you each to put effort into your shared relationship, in fact, that is what real romance should be, not just some fantasy fairytale that would probably never happen in real life. Please don't let this slide WaityKatey, it seems as if you could have an amazing relationship together, if you as a couple, are willing to start making very strong foundations straight away. Good Luck OP, and OP's boyfriend, and hopefully soon to be partner!

My husband isn't perfect but I don't think he does anything intolerable, nevermind doing that thing twice a week!

He's pissing you off twice a week, he either needs to stop this behaviour, or you need to leave him.

But he’s literally there all day long on his parents property. He could see them for breakfast, elevensees, lunch, afternoon tea and dinner every day of the week and still be back at yours for 6pm. He probably does all this anyway but still wants to hang around til 9pm.

He’s avoiding connection for some reason. Maybe he has been like this in all his other failed relationships.

How long have you been together - is quite likely an avoidant, Mr Nice Guy, man-child - so enmeshed with his Mum but subconsciously resentful of this / her control but lashes out and resists you/any intimate relationship instead.

No he needs to be HOME which is with you now. Fair enough he is is a bit of a routine but that stops now he has a live in partner to consider. I know you both have different plans during the week etc which is a good thing but then it sounds like you need to work out a planner so u can do basic things like have a meal together, plan food, (buy, take out freezer night before etc). Like he needs to get out his little comfort zone and actually should be home making the occasional meal FOR YOU! As well as being home doing normal home chores in the home where he now lives. You’re not his new mum.

This isn't about disrespect, for me this sounds deeper - a real disengagement from you - just after moving in - when you should be bonded/ close/ feeling loving and connected.

Talking about not wanting to make plans - you aren't a plan! You are his home and partner - you are what comes first, the obvious person and place to return to when work finishes.

sorry to say this but he is actively avoiding you.

Please don't demean yourself to ask for two nights a week from the man who is supposed to love you - it's not even him having fun he is literally avoiding you to spend time on his parents sofa!

i'd be ending this relationship now.

Once or twice a week I think is fine. If he's doing it every night, that's too much.
It takes a few seconds to message you to say he's staying at his parents for a few hours, surely he can manage that.
Id be put off by a man who had no interest in spending time with his parents or family , not one who wants too. But as I said above it depends how many times a week he is doing it. Every night and I'd think he didn't really want to live with me.

He got a bit annoyed with this as he said he didn’t always like to plan in advance and wanted to sometimes play by ear.

I think this is the crux of it - he likes things to be more relaxed, while you like some structure. Both are equally valid, but both can absolutely rub each other up the wrong way.

I think he needs to meet you half way, and let you know which evenings he’s going to be staying later, and then you’ll know not to expect him on those days.

Save yourself from any living expenses, head over to his DM with your luggage.
On a serious note, I don't think this is normal, he is too attached to his childhood home, maybe stay for dinner twice a week.

I was briefly married to a man who didn't want to have to "answer to me". Nothing I did, said or demonstrated could switch him out of this mindset. Like you, I wanted to know where things stood on any given day and whether we were a couple, or FWBs who happened to be married. He could not help feeling like I was trying to boss him around.

With him it went further than evenings apart. He just fucking disappeared for anything from a few hours to several days. But I do understand how destabilising it can feel!

This is a type of control: You cannot make plans if you don't know when he is coming back? What happens if you go out when he hasn't let you know what he is doing? He is keeping you guessing some/most of the time so you don't/can/t make your plans. Do you agree?

I do have to ask why you got angry with him @Waitykatey (interesting username) - are you not able to constructively communicate to find compromises by expressing your needs, preferences, boundaries, deadlines and consequences?

Spot On @Gingersky1234

I would stop asking him where he is and when he will be back. Don’t plan or cook any meals for him unless he definitively communicates to you without prompting that he will be back for mealtimes. And try going out without telling him when to expect you home, i.e. give him a taste of his own medicine, he may just realise how annoying it is.

Also - he sits on their sofa even when they aren't in rather than come home to you?

Where is the love here op? Isn't he feeling the tingle of romance to see you in the days of first sharing a home? Sounds like you are a chore to him sorry.

You are being unreasonable having a sex life with a preteen it. He isnt ready to have an adult relationship. Why do you out up eith this?

When I moved in with Dh for the first time it was really exciting! it was romantic and we loved coming home to each other at the end of the day.

This sounds like he is deliberately avoiding coming home to you.

You are getting skewed responses because you made it seem like he does it every day. 2 days a week is not bad, I guess the problem is that you don't know which 2 days he will stay there and he wants flexibility about it. He needs to remember to send you a text on the day and assume he won't have dinner with you.

He sounds OK. Don't kick him out.

It sounds like you have plenty of time alone and together and i wouldn't have any issue with him hanging out at his parents a couple of times a week - but I would expect a polite heads up about his plans.

It is odd. It's even more odd that he got annoyed with you for chasing him up. It feels like he doesn't really see himself as living with you.

There's a possibility you are actually incompatible, despite all the good stuff. You like structure, he actively disdains it. I'm sympathetic with him here - I run away from structure (childhood ishoos) but yet another odd thing here: he isn't rejecting routine or structure; he's simply maintaining his old structure.

The only way to stay sane is to consider him absent every time he tells you he's staying on at Dad's. Be single. Eat your dinner, watch your films and whatever you do by yourself, go out with friends. Advise him to kip at theirs because he's not allowed to just meander over in time to sleep with you!

A semi-together arrangement like this would suit a lot of people. If it doesn't suit you, there are some uncomfortable negotiations to be had.

He got a bit annoyed with this as he said he didn’t always like to plan in advance and wanted to sometimes play by ear.

Going home after work is the default situation so it's not usually necessary to 'plan in advance' to go home. He seems to have two homes and moves between them on a whim without considering you. Tell him it's upsetting you and see if he puts it right. You'll soon see how much you really mean to him.

He’s a middle-aged man with adult DC from previous relationship(s).

Yup get him to move back. He is going to keep doing this even after kids. He is sitting on the sofa even when they are not home?. Send him back there.

It is a bit odd yes. Fair enough to want to spend some time with his parents a couple of evenings, but sounds like he has that already. I think i’d savour the quiet time as long as I knew in advance. Or what i’d do is say if I don’t hear from you, i’ll be making my dinner at x time, so sort yourself out. Two evenings doing his own thing in itself isn’t terrible, but he does need to keep you updated.

This

I'd get the ick, are you not a grown man 🤢🤢

I think the issue here is that you are being treated like the side salad instead of the main course op; and it’s not a nice feeling.

First of all, I wouldn’t be so available. I would go out with friends rather than hang around. I would be a bit mysterious about your movements too. That way, you aren’t cast in the role of pursuer against your will,

And secondly, I would try and compromise on two week day nights together when he prioritises your time together over everything else and he lets you know when he will be back.

I think it’s quite poor manners to turn up at nine when the main part of the evening, and dinner, is over. It’s disrespectful and thoughtless because he hasn’t considered that you might like to chill and have some me time, relaxed in the knowledge that he is not coming back, or you want to eat together and make the most of the evening as a couple if he is!

It’s all about his convenience and not yours!

When you commit to a relationship; it’s unreasonable to carry on with the same routine as you did when you were single!