Inheritance - has something shifted?

My DF is the only 'old' left in our family. Apart from a few small bequests the will divides everything between me and my brother. We are joint executors as well. There is no mention of my DH or nearly 30 years, or DS his only DGC. I don't think it's that odd not to mention spouses.

I do find it a bit odd that they have set up a complicated trust unless they are above or very near the IHT threshold, it tends to make things much more difficult to manage.

Just re-read what you wrote, if they were married, surely it just becomes part of their estate - ?

If, hypothetically, they were underage 100% I would leave it to their remaining parent; in no circumstances would I think an uncle or aunt would be better placed, or have their finicial intrests at heart, yes I know parents screw people over also.

Now if they were adults, why would they need to even be mentioned, divorced partner, if i'd left a specific amount in a will to an adult.

I’m leaving any money I’ve got to my adult children. Not their spouses.

Surely that’s normal?

Drop the rope OP. If DH forgets his families birthdays and Mother's day that is up to him. Don't do all the running around for his family that don't value you. Fwiw my MiL has in her will if DH dies before her I inherit his share. DH jokes she loves me more than him.

Yes, I can see why you'd be miffed. Obviously they are free to do what they please with their own money but it implies lack of trust, gives you a sense of exclusion from the family and it doesn't respect your partnership with your husband.

My husband and his two siblings inherited one third each from their surviving parent - I've no idea how much, because it was nothing to do with me**

I find it absolutely wild that some people feel this way. My husbands financial position is hugely relevant to me because we've built a life together...if he had a windfall (inheritance or otherwise) and refused to tell me the amount that would be relationship ending. As it would be if I had a windfall and he was disinterested enough in our joint financial position that he didn't even want to know.

I always think this is so hurtful. Either you are family or you are not.

My personal view is I am good enough to cook Christmas dinner every year for 20 odd years I am good enough to be considered family.

I’d take a massive step back from what you do for them. They don’t view you as you do them. All queries to DH.

It’s not personal. It just ensures that their three children and the grandchildren benefit from their money. That’s what most people want I think.

Your decision to do all that grunt work is not relevant. You can also reverse it at any time…. It doesn’t have to be a song and dance, you just quiet quit and direct PIL to your husband if they query anything.

would YOU leave your wealth to the partner of your son/daughter?? highly unlikely i imagine!

Seeing how some uncles and aunties treat their family, I'd rather it be their mom or dad, even in divorce, you'd think a parent would have their children's best interest at heart; that may not be the case for Uncle Knobby, who has lost all his money on the horses.

When we did estate planning recently we set up a very similar trust. There are tax advantages where we live to set up a trust. Most people I know will do it - not extremely wealthy people either.

Our trust does exclude anyone my kids marry from the trust. The difference is they aren't even dating still less in a solid long-term relationship with kids. I raised the question with our lawyer of this potentially being unfair to my kids' spouses and was told the trust could be adjusted by all beneficiaries. Also if I last long enough to see my kids in long-term relationships I will change the trust myself.

I can understand why you feel as you do OP. Would your dh not talk to his parents about changing the trust so you would be a trustee for your children in the event of him predeceasing you?

Nothing has changed . Most families don’t see their SIL / DIL / partners as real family. The minute you split up or divorce they will likely never see you or your children again.

All that time, money and energy that DIL spend on caring for their inlaws? It’s just seen as a woman’s duty and has no value to them . They consider that you are doing it for your husband and not for them.

there’s only a handful of families who are any different. So I always say to Gf / partners / wives , don’t do any wifework for your in laws, make sure your husband does it. Because ultimately no one will thank you.

YOU might consider them your family but they don’t. You are only good for serving them . This is sad but true in most cases.

First mistake is the in laws telling everyone - why do people feel the need to discuss their own Wills before their deaths?
Second mistake is the OP thinking it's anything to do with her. My husband and his two siblings inherited one third each from their surviving parent - I've no idea how much, because it was nothing to do with me.
Who includes their in laws, no matter how close they are or how many Xmas presents they bought during a long marriage?
OP, none of us are entitled to anything from anyone, and it's vulgar to speculate on what you might get when Ma and Pa kick the bucket.
To be honest, if I were these parents, I'd leave the lot directly to the donkey sanctuary!

I’m reading this as more that she’s upset that they are purposely trying to exclude her. It would be more normal to leave something to your son that doesn’t specifically exclude the married partner.

Yes but it just goes to their children doesn’t it and if said child is married they can decide how to integrate inheritance into family finances or not - it’s up to the child. I gather OP would be fine with that. It’s the trust being set up that’s the issue. @NepoInlaw do you think maybe they are trying to avoid inheritance tax rather than specially trying to cut you out? Maybe they have had some financial advice that indicates that’s a better approach or something?

Yes, she knows that, that’s why she’s mentioned their will.

So the siblings are both beneficiaries and the trustees? Were they named as being beneficiaries of a specific amount in the trust, or if your DH dies, could your DCs could potentially lose access in practical terms to their inheritance because their aunt and uncle prioritise themselves and their family, and they’d need to get into some sort of dispute over the conflict of interest (which also applies if one of the other siblings passes away)? It’s putting an awful lot of faith in the family being fair to one another, whereas a parent that can’t access the money for themselves but can access the money for their children is arguably more “clean”.

Not being named as an IL in a will isn’t unusual at all. Money being put into trust for DGCs isn’t unusual either. Not being trusted to act in the best interests of your own children, after decades of being the one carrying the load of maintaining family life and connections, is shit and insulting. I’d be upset too Op.

My in-laws have this set up, it dosnt bother me, if it wasn’t for me I doubt they’d ever get even a card from my DH or a visit, but I choose to do these things. I have no expectations of getting anything from their wills, obviously I will benefit when my DH dose if we are together ( no plans not to be) but won’t see a penny if we separate even after they pass as all inheritance is locked in trusts for DH and our children.

On the other hand, my Nan who didn’t have much intentionally left her sons out of her will favouring her DDs & DILs. She knew my DF & Uncles would piss it up the wall on booze and ponies like my granddad would have so made sure the women got the money as they’d spend it on necessities. The downside to this was one of my uncles wife’s was shagging anyone she could behind my uncles back, she’d actually left him and cleared his home out of everything including carpets and lightbulbs one day when her was at work. No one told my Nan as it would have broken her heart at how badly my uncle was treated, she was old and everyone thought it was best to just not tell her. So when my Nan died her DIL who screwed my uncle over actually got an inheritance and my uncle got nothing.

My mum was a huge fan of DH but she didn’t specifically leave him anything. She left it to me and it benefited us both and our kids as we paid off the mortgage and now have more disposable income and ability to save.

My MIL has just done hers with a lot of complicated trusts. She is not a very wealthy woman (which is my only previous association with this Trust stuff) but does have a house in the SE so will be worth a lot. Her two youngest children had disastrous marriages that have/ are ending in divorce and one has children by 3 different women. I can see that she is just trying to make sure her grandchildren all inherit something in as fair a way as possible although I fear it will be a world of pain for DH who is executor and trustee.

I guess the change is people having more money due to house price inflation and complex family structures these days.

To be honest though it never was!

I wouldn't expect in-laws to leave anything to me. I would expect my dh to share whatever they left him though. Edited to add we have a family I'd expect him to use it to benefit our family or children share with me as in give me some

Snap. Not that my father in law has a will but even if he had I’d expect him to say it all goes to my husband, which in effect means it goes in our family pot.

choices though op , you don’t have to make up for a perceived shortfall in your husbands care for his parent . Better to feel guilty than be a resentful martyr.