Inheritance - has something shifted?

OP, I'd be very annoyed about that, too. Especially as the wording of the trust would state that the money could only be used to benefit the children, so the other trustees could hold you to account/prevent the money transfer if you were trying to run off to Turkey for a boob job.

Will your parents leave your DH anything specific for him rather than all to you?

I'd have said that was unusual.

What's really clear from this thread is that many people don't understand what trusts are, or how they work, or the circumstances in which they are worth setting up. Leaving an inheritance in trust for blood relatives is not just writing a will where it skips over OP in the event of DHs death; it's putting the money into a legal instrument that can only gift that money to specific people for specific reasons, as decided by the people who manage it. (I'm not actually clear from reading OP's posts which they have done.)

I think there is more use of instruments like this because of a) rising house prices meaning more people have very valuable estates, and b) more awareness they exist. Pre-internet, people probably only knew about trusts if they were wealthy enough to have financial advisors or solicitors to explain these things to them. Nowadays, everyone is a finance expert on social media, shilling often terrible advice.

I also think OP has every right to be a bit annoyed about this, and it could materially impact her even outside of divorce. If DH inherited directly and she needed private medical treatment or even a new car, he/they could spend the money on it. Depending on the wording of the trust, they might not be able to access money if she is the primary beneficiary.

I think posters are imagining different situations on this thread from the one the OP is describing.
she's not saying she expected to be named in the will. The will has been drawn up in a way to exclude her from benefiting from the money at all (it can't be put in the family "pot" by her dh)

I wouldn’t expect in-laws to inherit anything, and for only blood relatives to benefit. Sounds completely normal to me.

@NepoInlaw you say in a family wipe situation where you are last man standing it goes to charity. If your kids are last man standing would it go to them?

They will have been advised accordingly by their solicitor. What happens if you divorce their son? Do you still expect to receive their money?

Well I guess it depends what size trust it is, they don’t need to be that complex.

we could suffer total family wipe out at the donkey sanctuary and if I was the last one standing, it would go instead to the nominated cats home in reserve.

Assuming this doesn't happen, you and your husband are still married, right? By leaving their worldly goods, in part, to your husband, you will benefit from this surely? And if not, there's an issue in your marriage.

For many years, my late mum ran around like a blue-arsed fly for her father-in-law, long after my parents had separated and my living-abroad father didn't even see his own father. She got no pecuniary reward for this (my grandpa didn't have a bean) when he died, and she didn't expect any either. That wasn't why she did it.

Why would they leave their money to you, rather than their own children?

If you think that you need a "payment" for doing what your DH should be doing, take it up with him, or stop running around after them.

Both my in laws have died within the past year - I would never expect any inheritance from them. I find the idea that I would very odd!! Equally when my parents died it all went to me and my sibling!!

I bought my in laws presents, visited them and took them to hospital appointments because I wanted too and I loved them. You are being very unreasonable and greedy!!

This, I didn't inherit diddly squat after DH's parents died, didn't for one second expect to anyway. It was split four ways, a third to DH and his two siblings, with the remaining quarter shared among the grandchildren. Everything DH inherited was used for the benefit of us all, him, me, and our children. No strings attached, thank fuck.

You don't need a trust to do that- you can just name the beneficiaries with a clause to exclude step children/children from 2nd marriages etc.

I know where you’re coming from OP. I thought it was lovely when a friend inherited a token sum from his in-laws. Their own DC got the bulk but the DC’s partners all got a small cash bequest.

Trusts are a way of limiting IHT rather than what is 'morally right' with the assets.
Trust funds need a board of trustees to manage them and it can get quite complex.

I don't really understand. Most parents would leave their inheritance to their children or maybe their grandchildren if they'd fallen out with their adult children. They'd be unlikely to leave it to "my son and DIL", although I guess it does happen sometimes. I think the bigger question is whether your DH is likely to share (as I believe he should) his good fortune with you?

Ops in-laws are leaving their estate to their children and grandchildren like most people do. How on earth in that 'me me me'?

My will splits my estate between my children do you consider that 'me me me' as well?

My parents did a will trust so that only blood relatives benefit. They were advised to do it by the FA. He talked about the implications of potential divorce, stepchildren etc. My parents said confidently "oh we don't think that will ever happen". Anyway it was all sorted out, then my DF died in 2017 and a year later my exH left me. He then got together with a much younger woman who was still young enough to have kids. It could all have been very messy and different.

I can see why people do it, but I can also see why you are miffed. You would be very justified to leave all the heavy lifting to their blood kin now i.e. their son, your husband, but you were before this too.

This is normal I think? My DP’s will states me as beneficiary even though they have known DH for nearly 20 years and they see him as a son. They will just assume that the money will benefit us both - as will the money your DH inherits from his DPs? Unless you think your DH will ring fence that money from you which seems like an entirely separate problem tbh

The people I know who have remarried in later life are fully aware of this. They all came to agreements in their wills that only their own bio children would inherit.

In terms of housing some couples allow the remaining spouse to live in the house but on their death the equity goes to the children, proportionately.

You only have to look at the relationships board to see how throwaway some people view marriages and relationships. How often does someone complain about their husband and posters respond with ‘get rid’, for what are often not serious issues.

I would think about the trust route too when the time comes, if I were not confident in the strength of my children’s marriages. My main concern would be to protect them as much as possible after I am gone, not just from marriage breakdown but also from them not using it sensibly, by placing restrictions on its use.

I don't think you're wrong that it's gotten more complex, but it's because relationships have gotten more complex.

It wasn't that long ago really that divorce was fairly rare in this country. You left your money to your kid, and that meant their spouse as well because well, they're obviously still going to be married at that point. If your kid is dead by the time you pop your clogs, then obviously that money will go to your kids widow/er.

Now, nearly half of all marriages end in divorce. Obviously, when I die I want my cash to go to DD. In the future, that will mean that cash benefits her family too, her spouse, her kids. Happy for that to happen. But what if I pop my clogs, her spouse cheats on her, leaves her, and shacks up with the affair partner. Now half of my money has gone to some absolute bastard who never see's his kids.

The thought of that happening would upset a lot of people. Personally, I can't be arsed, I'll be dead, I won't care, and it sounds like a lot of faff to set up,

You are aware that if the surviving spouse was to remarry then your children may get nothing if all of the assets are left to the surviving spouse.