Inheritance - has something shifted?

This is normal though. When my grandparents died only my parents inherited. Same for my DH.

I understand many will also leave something to their grandkids but in my experience only the children inheriting is the most common way as it mirrors inheritance laws.

I’d say that after all these years you’re still not seen as family. I presume your children will inherit.
In which case, let them, act as they see you, a stranger.

I find it utterly bizarre that you expect to get an equal share of your husband’s parent’s estate when they die. Its absolutely normal for only their “blood” descendants to inherit.

I'd try not to take your exclusion personally, since it's a blanket decision and no other DIL or SIL is included. Realistically, with your in-laws in their 80s, they'll most likely die while their children are all still alive, so it shouldn't matter. Naming only blood relatives is typical, I'd have thought, and then you'll benefit through your husband's inheritance.

If this changes how you feel, you can always choose to alter your level of involvement in their care, going forward—but as long as your children will receive their share of the inheritance regardless of whether or not your husband is alive when your PILs die, I don't see it as a problem, honestly. None of us is guaranteed any inheritance at all, particularly not from anyone who isn't our parent or grandparent.

But is he named in your parents will? Or is it just you @NepoInlaw ?

I haven’t but I do trust them.

My aunt and uncle are both very decent people and I would be shocked to my core if even one of them would do anything untoward let alone both of them.

They were puzzled by it but ultimately it wasn’t anything they could do. She was of an older generation and clearly felt like it only passed to the generation below not the grandchildren 🤷🏻‍♀️
I thought all the money had been used for care etc at the time and didn’t think too much about it if im honest.

I think even if I did challenge it I would damage the relationship with them so catastrophically it wouldn’t recover properly and as I’m an only child with no living parents, annexing my only living family isn’t a route i want to go down even for money.

If he wasn’t crap OP wouldn’t be doing all the heavy lifting though surely ?

When my MIL discussed her will with DH & me, she said she’d stipulated that if any of her DC died before her, the estate would simply be divided between the remaining DC and not go to the GC.
She did this because she thought my SILs DH was a w@nker (he is) and she didn’t want the possibility of him getting hold of her money. (The GC were v young at the time.) It felt a bit odd/unfair that because of this awful BIL, my DC would lose out if my DH died before MIL but I did understand her reasoning. It wasn’t personal against me.

This

Feel free to scale back. They can’t have it both ways

Maybe they worked their arses off and don’t want to see it wasted/end up in another family?
My parents never stopped working, spent as little as possible (ancient car, no house refurbishments, second hand clothes, no eating out etc) just so they could pass something down. They were privileged in the sense that they had the opportunity to work and save, but by today’s standards their married life was pretty basic.

Well obviously you can't take it with you. It's got to go somewhere. The "me-me-me" aspect when you're dead is MY children. Even worse for OP is that her ILs would rather it went to the cat charity than her! Are you really not even a tiny bit shocked by that?

I had a conversation with my DM recently about how she hasn't thought to leave even a token item to any of her children's spouses. They will all inherit from their parents; all the grandchildren will benefit ultimately, they'll share in their spouses' bonanza - that's all fine. But we all know that wills are about sentimentality as well as financial prudence. It didn't even occur to her that she might want to recognize in her will the mother/father of 2/3 of her grandchildren! After all these years, she would be happy to depart God's green earth without a thought left behind from these people who have known her for decades, are members of her family, have raised her grandchildren? When challenged, she said "well it's not necessary, is it?". I just didn't know what to say. She has sewn tapestries in her retirement that my SIL admires and enjoys enormously. Would it really pain her to leave those to my SIL? Apparently so. She wants everything to go to HER children, HER grandchildren - that's who she sees are HER family.

Completely normal to leave to your dc and not name their spouses. I did get a specific bequest in my exh’s grandparents will but only because it was me who sorted out all the elder care, carried on after we split up and was me who called him weekly (again after I’d split from their grandson), was very nominal, a painting worth nothing, but you should have heard the moans!

Have you seen the will? Were you present for its reading?

I may just be getting terribly cynical in my middle age but I would want to see it.

But surely any inheritance your DH receives will go into your joint account anyway? Pretty sure your PİL just see you and him as a unit so anything he gets goes into your family life anyway. Sounds like they trust the SİL BİL to see your children right with the trust fund should the worst possible scenario occur. You're just taken out of the admin it's not like you're not going to benefit from their money in the future.

Oh right. Yes, was concentrating on this: ‘could suffer total family wipe out at the donkey sanctuary and if I was the last one standing, it would go instead to the nominated cats home in reserve’. I was asking because if you were talking about a direct inheritance situation and at no point if they were wiped out would it go to your kids, you would have more of a right to be annoyed.

As it was that’s not the case and we are talking about all money being in a trust. Trusts are not (anymore) tax efficient. There is a fee to have them that is a percentage if their whole value that’s taken every 10 years (periodical charge). They are therefore done when control is wanted over where the money goes and absolutely it’s usual that the trustees would then be kept in house. It’s usually used for money for school fees down the generations or suchlike and it might not be all of it. But yes, this is quite usual in this situation.

tbh, I would never have remotely expected to be in my inlaws will, and if i’m honest probably wouldn’t have even considered my DD’s to be in it either, I am just assuming everything would go to DH (unless he goes before them and they change to leave to DD’s) I imagine if he does get anything, I would benefit by proxy as we share finances but not as a named beneficiary.

I was recently devastated to learn I was left out of my own grandmothers will, she left her half mil house just to her daughter, but nothing to me as the only child of her other daughter (who died when i was born).

I was exceptionally close to my grandmother so it stirred up some painful emotions as it felt like she didn’t care about “recognising” me in her will but ultimately I do still believe I have no “rights” to anything from anyone so am slowly coming to terms with it, but the added stinger did come from learning my two cousins were recently gifted £100k each from my aunt to buy properties as a result, whereas I’m stuck in renters hell 😭

My parents left all their money/property to my brother and I. Both of us gave our sons some of it for house deposits etc and then we both shared what was left with our spouses. I put some of mine in our joint account and some in savings in both our names. Isn't that a normal thing for people to do?

Pretty normal I think.
I would be quite surprised if my SIL popped up in my DM’s will if she has one.

I doubt they have any idea that their own son cares so little for them that you have done everything. Or they see you as a unit.

This generation of grandparents is very selfish and blind to their own privilege, that’s the answer

It’s not about being specifically named in the will though, it’s about the fact that a trust specifically excludes OP.

Leaving an inheritance to your child not your DIL / SIL is perfectly normal but historically a bequest was left to the child and it went into the marital/family pot.

These trusts specifically exclude spouses and whether people want to gloss over it or not they are an indicator of some level of distrust.

I can completely understand why OP is hurt and why you might want to back away from in-laws who behave this way.

My mum looked into doing this in her and my dad’s will because my sister in law is a bit strange and she has no relationship with my parents after a big argument. Yet she is happy to live in a house that they bought outright for her and my brother. Her family is a bit ‘Jeremy Kyle’ shall we say and if something were to happen to my brother, who isn’t in the best of health, then they don’t want her to have her hands on the inheritance which could be up to half a million - when she’s already had the house. Main reason is they feel she and her family would squander it and not leave much behind for their daughter (my parents granddaughter). So the idea is when my parents die, my brother and I will split the inheritance in half and both our spouses can benefit from that. However if something were to happen to my brother before my parents days, the inheritance would go straight to his daughter instead. It does make sense in this circumstance but perhaps less so if there’s a good relationship and you are to all intents and purposes taking on a daughter role etc.

I’ll be honest I’ve had the if I won the lottery type situation and figured I’d put it all in trust for the biological descendants of myself.

Completely cutting out basically dh, any future partner of his, any partners or step children of my children.

They would have access and rights to say property with funds to pay for repairs but would never own them to protect them. Again with set amounts of money at key points for specific things. So a health fund, a first car fund, uni fund but it would all be for my descendants. No one person would be a beneficiary of a property or cash.

In dream land because I’m not a millionaire or landed gentry 😅

Nobody is entitled to anything from anyone. Inheritance isn't worth the price you pay. I hope my loved ones spend all their money enjoying their time on this earth.