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AIBU to think there is not enough focus on parents when kids cut them off

130 replies

diddlysquatagain · 17/09/2025 11:24

Posting on AIBU for traffic.

I know that there are many cases of terrible abuse which lead to a child cutting contact with their parents — I understand that.

But in the last few years, I’ve come across an increasing number of cases where parents are flummoxed as to why they’ve been cut off.

I have a female friend whose adult child (around 30 — I personally think he’s experiencing mental health issues, having previously trained and, I believe, used steroids) has cut off contact, and the stories he’s been telling others verge slightly on conspiracy theories. In fact, and this is history repeating itself, the DC's father - who is the one I would actually term a 'narcissist' who wasn't around but reappeared and now has a stong hold - had a parent who also cut contact with their parent so it seems to be a pattern repeated.

This post is not for those who say, “you don’t know the full story, there is always another side to it.” I want to hear from parents who have been cut off or estranged but genuinely don’t know why and are heartbroken.

Of course, no parents are perfect — we shout, we sometimes overlook things, there are myriad minor and not so minor failings — but I’d like to hear stories to better understand.

More generally, I’ve noticed in younger generations a tendency to cut off friendships if those friends are a bit down and are labelled as “toxic” (I dislike that word intensely). In some cases “toxic” has been described as “someone who just talks about their own problems.” I feel this is dismissive. If someone is suffering from depression, that is exactly what they end up doing - it’s part of the illness. I would never drop a friend for that, but people do nowadays - at the drop of a hat.

As I say, I would like to hear from those parents who - albeit not perfect - truly don’t know why their children chose to go no-contact.

Edited by MNHQ for the OP to remove content that wasn't meant to be part of her post

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 18/09/2025 10:36

cramptramp · 17/09/2025 13:35

I’d be interested to know if children who go NC with their parents, and the parents genuinely don’t know why, are still expecting to inherit any property or money.

Not in my case, no.

thepariscrimefiles · 18/09/2025 09:33

Heyhiitsme · 17/09/2025 12:12

DSis and DBro are both no-contact with our very frail, and ill, DM I’m currently caring for (and if she didn’t need so much, I’d likely be no contact too)

DM genuinely has no recollection of lots of physical abuse, emotional (and physical) neglect, and pours her heart out to whoever she can about how her children have abandoned her. But if anyone says anything along the lines of ‘oh remember that time you threw boiling water at DSis/restrained DBro until he almost choked/laid in bed for 3 weeks and I had to manage the whole house and my younger siblings at the age of 7’ you just get a blank stare.

Honestly, you must be some sort of saint to even go near your mother, never mind caring for her now that she is frail and ill. I would definitely have taken the same route as your siblings.

Her abuse of all her children sounds utterly horrific.

diddlysquatagain · 18/09/2025 08:52

JustineRobots · 17/09/2025 19:00

Yes, I remember this too. OP bizarrely wanted to write to the son trying to change his mind.

Obviously she has learned nothing from the advice given last time around.

Yes, same poster. And I did take the advice onboard and didn't write.

My friend has not been in touch either but, bizarrely, her son - who is a minor celeb and influencer - suddenly posted something about going no contact on Insta (with 1,000s of followers) and why don't people ask the parent who was abusive, absent etc etc? Reading what he posted it's clear he's taken it from some US site and it's really so, so far from who his mum it is laughable. Needy, yes (she's had some tough years), but violent - never. Lots of her friends and family are saying it's tantamount to libel.

The stuff her ex has accused my friend of is just wild. And he has poisoned his own son's mind too.

One was that she is supposed to have raped her ex husband and that this is the reason the son was conceived (this is what her son's father told his own son FFS) - should add that her ex is 6'5 and she is 5'5 (her ex has also never held down a long-term, steady job and has had numerous relationships since they divorced; his own mum - weird lady, met her - went NC with his father so it's history repeating itself).

OP posts:
Lucytheloose · 18/09/2025 04:12

What exactly do you want from this thread? It's not as if there were an appeal tribunal which could reverse the 'no contact' decision.

Angrymum22 · 17/09/2025 23:44

My DH learned that his parents behaviour was not normal after spending time with my family. He couldn’t understand why we were not expected to be at our parents beck and call.

Initially he assumed that we didn’t get on with our parents but it gradually dawned on him that it was ok not to be still tightly bound by the old apron strings. Our parents had no expectations. Most of all the love between us was unconditional.

I know that my MIL blames me for my DH having low contact but he is so much happier not visiting her every week. He no longer spends a week recovering from her behaviour. Most of all he no longer feels guilty.

Our last visit was interesting in that my DS21 witnessed her behaviour first hand and commented on it from an adult perspective. He acknowledged that he didn’t blame his DF for not visiting MIL. He said that her behaviour was very narcissistic. We’ve never discussed this in front of him because we wanted him to have a relationship with her. But he’s a bright lad and did psychology at A level. He has picked up on her behaviour over the years and can describe some incidents, that he now realises were not exactly healthy.

It would be great to visit her regularly since she is fading fast, but her ability to reduce my DH an emotional wreck. He had a stroke a few years ago that altered his personality, he became more tolerant, and much calmer but her behaviour is just as upsetting. Although he just walks away now rather than arguing with her. This appears to annoy her more.

DH was the classic scapegoat in his family. He was much more likely to call out his DMs behaviour than his siblings. So now he is no longer there the rest of them are now being subjected to her behaviour.

She has been very good to DS but he now knows why he was never her favourite. Like his DF he would question her behaviour at times. He is the voice of reason at times, narcissists are not keen on people who don’t agree with them.

At one point we stopped visiting because she would give him excessive amounts of money or buy him items that we had told him he would have to save up for or wait for. As an adult he is now wise to this behaviour and although he is free to visit her whenever he wants he doesn’t like the fact that she rewards his visits with cash. He’s due to see her tomorrow before he goes back to uni. It’s his 21st birthday next week so has been in two minds about seeing her. She will either scold him for not visiting or present him with a big cheque. Really all he wants is a grandma who loves without condition.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 17/09/2025 21:47

MasculineProviderEnergy · 17/09/2025 18:05

It's the former, whether he knows that or not.

Then who taught him to be a weak, easily controlled man? We tend to repeat patterns of behaviour we learned in childhood, and choose partners whose behaviour is similar to that of our family. It's very hard not to!

I have wondered if it may be a generational trait MiserableMrsMopp. Can I ask, if you feel regret at cutting people off, what stops you from attempting to salvage the relationship? Perhaps that too much time has passed and it's better left alone?

It's a good question. Neither of his brothers are like that.

The thing is that he spent his entire twenties dating several different women each week and never had a relationship lasting more than a fortnight. Then he got to about 30, all his friends were starting to pair off and settle down, and he met a woman who was in a hurry to do those things ASAP. I honestly think a big part of it is the fact that he has literally zero experience of being in a relationship with someone other than her.

Neither of my parents in law is either controlled or controlling, they have a very loving, respectful marriage. So he didn't learn it at home, or from anyone else in the wider family.

No one knows how to deal with his behaviour because it's the first family drama there has been for as long as anyone can remember.

diddlysquatagain · 17/09/2025 21:43

IncessantNameChanger · 17/09/2025 20:16

As someone who had every right to cut their mum.off due to abuse that SHOULD have socail services involvement, I don't get it either OP.

Logically I should gone NC but it's so incredibly complex. She wasn't a man I could replace. She was my mum. I loved her. Why should anyone tell me I should cause myself more pain?

Anyway my teen once said he had suffered abuse. I wanted to laugh and say you don't know what abuse is mate. He grew up a bit since.

For some children is that their parents don't ask enough questions. Or not enthusiastic about stupid choices.

But I have been honest with my kids and told them. I'm not your mate. I'm not here to cheer on your being twit. I'm here to point out that's a twatty desision. Listen to my view. Then do what you want next I will always support you. So I will say "I think your choice to go to inverness university when we live in Cornwall then drop out before the first day is very unwise etc" let his gf blow hot air up his bum. That's her job. I have mine. We know where we stand. I'm not a unconditional cheerleader. Maybe that's one issue. Children expecting perfection, but parents are just flawed humans too.

Unless your being nasty and spiteful or do the emotional blackmail etc it's better to say "I am having a 6 month, year break because..." I did this mil and when we was back in contact she agreed then went back to her emotional blackmail so I know it doesn't often work. But I think it did help. I have choice also to ignore the drama. I don't blow the house up. I just step outside.

What an insightful post and sorry that you suffered abuse by your mum. Understand it's complex but I would never question going NC if there is such a situation but understand why it might not be straightforward.

I agree, bit of a trend for victimhood and feeling sorry for ourselves nowadays when things are not perfect or when challenged on opinions/views.

I think this makes it much harder for those instances where REAL abuse took place.

A bit like so many people nowadays claiming to be 'depressed' when they're down in the dumps, due to something that happened to them. Again massively not helpful for those with severe, clinical depression.

OP posts:
HateThursdays · 17/09/2025 20:24

EdgyLilacViper · 17/09/2025 19:33

Disgusting thread.

Why do you find it a disgusting thread?

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 17/09/2025 20:24

I could not agree more.

I'm NC with my parents for damn good reasons and I know others who are the same. But there is a wide range of reasons for why people cut off their parents and that seems to be forgotten.

BuckChuckets · 17/09/2025 20:18

diddlysquatagain · 17/09/2025 12:15

So sorry to hear that.

What did she do or say exactly?

Why are you asking for the details? She said she was brutal, do you not think that's enough? Some people might not want to go into the gory details for either a) your titillation or b) you to try to pick apart and say that's not a good enough reason.

IncessantNameChanger · 17/09/2025 20:16

As someone who had every right to cut their mum.off due to abuse that SHOULD have socail services involvement, I don't get it either OP.

Logically I should gone NC but it's so incredibly complex. She wasn't a man I could replace. She was my mum. I loved her. Why should anyone tell me I should cause myself more pain?

Anyway my teen once said he had suffered abuse. I wanted to laugh and say you don't know what abuse is mate. He grew up a bit since.

For some children is that their parents don't ask enough questions. Or not enthusiastic about stupid choices.

But I have been honest with my kids and told them. I'm not your mate. I'm not here to cheer on your being twit. I'm here to point out that's a twatty desision. Listen to my view. Then do what you want next I will always support you. So I will say "I think your choice to go to inverness university when we live in Cornwall then drop out before the first day is very unwise etc" let his gf blow hot air up his bum. That's her job. I have mine. We know where we stand. I'm not a unconditional cheerleader. Maybe that's one issue. Children expecting perfection, but parents are just flawed humans too.

Unless your being nasty and spiteful or do the emotional blackmail etc it's better to say "I am having a 6 month, year break because..." I did this mil and when we was back in contact she agreed then went back to her emotional blackmail so I know it doesn't often work. But I think it did help. I have choice also to ignore the drama. I don't blow the house up. I just step outside.

BuckChuckets · 17/09/2025 20:14

diddlysquatagain · 17/09/2025 11:33

I get it. I asked for check grammar and spelling. Otherswise words my own.

Sure.

Round3HereWeGo · 17/09/2025 19:59

OrangeCrushes · 17/09/2025 12:21

My stepbrother has cut off my mother and his father (our parents).

My mother has given mixed reasons for the break. She says that my stepbrother first blamed them for not providing free childcare for their children, then brought up things that happened when growing up that made him feel unwelcome in their home. She suspects that my stepbrother feels that I was favoured.

I honestly don't really understand why he has done this. Our parents are not perfect and can be annoying, but they have overall been fairly supportive of us both, I think. I suppose that we have been treated differently in some ways, because I lived with my mother as RP and he lived with his mother as RP.

My mum actually pressured me not to have contact with the stepbrother, which has been difficult and awkward. (I have had my own dramas and do not want to be involved in their dispute, and I suppose I have therefore taken my parents' side).

There you go.

Some people close to the parent don't see any issues. This poster doesn't understand why her brother would have no contact even though she says the mother is the kind of person that would pressure someone else to have no contact with her own brother.

EdgyLilacViper · 17/09/2025 19:33

Disgusting thread.

BettysRoasties · 17/09/2025 19:32

KimberleyClark · 17/09/2025 19:30

Would you describe a woman in a controlling relationship as weak and subservient?

It wasn’t meant as controlled as weak.

It was mean to be his either controlled.

Weak and subservient, just because she says jump he jumps type

Had his eyes opened.

KimberleyClark · 17/09/2025 19:30

BettysRoasties · 17/09/2025 15:05

Either your brother is controlled, weak and subservient or what his wife has said about his parents ring true and she’s shown him the light.

Only he knows which one though.

Would you describe a woman in a controlling relationship as weak and subservient?

ZoeCM · 17/09/2025 19:10

OP, you posted about this before under a different name last year. The details are all there - son was about 30, had gone into modelling, and had turned against his loving mother because he was "embarrassed" by his roots. Either you are actually are the "friend" or you are far too invested in this family.

imfabul0us · 17/09/2025 19:05

@user9637 @KimberleyClark @MiserableMrsMopp have all made wise, interesting and compassionate points. There’s also a big difference between flawed mothers and abusive mothers.
I also think that there are more estrangement threads on Gransnet because Mumsnetters’ children may not be old enough to cut them off yet.

JustineRobots · 17/09/2025 19:00

VikingLady · 17/09/2025 14:01

Have you posted on here about this before? Around a year ago? I distinctly recall the details. Your friend with a model son who had cut off his mum for not fitting into his new shiny life, and you wanted opinions on whether or not to interfere because she was amazing and he was awful?

Quite a coincidence if not.

The consensus last time was to stay out of it. You only know one side - the parental side, that would naturally be predisposed to give you their positive bias if they were in fact problematic.

Yes, I remember this too. OP bizarrely wanted to write to the son trying to change his mind.

Obviously she has learned nothing from the advice given last time around.

Boomer55 · 17/09/2025 18:31

Relationships are tricky sometimes. Sometimes estrangements are caused by selfish and self absorbed adult children, sometimes by older parents who just haven’t been good parents. Sometimes it’s just a clash of personalities.

And, of course, into the mix can go mental health, substance abuse etc., from either side.🤷‍♀️

MasculineProviderEnergy · 17/09/2025 18:24

Sorry MiserableMrsMopp, I missed your post about your parent dying. That sounds hard.

MasculineProviderEnergy · 17/09/2025 18:05

It's the former, whether he knows that or not.

Then who taught him to be a weak, easily controlled man? We tend to repeat patterns of behaviour we learned in childhood, and choose partners whose behaviour is similar to that of our family. It's very hard not to!

I have wondered if it may be a generational trait MiserableMrsMopp. Can I ask, if you feel regret at cutting people off, what stops you from attempting to salvage the relationship? Perhaps that too much time has passed and it's better left alone?

dnasurprise · 17/09/2025 16:42

I haven't been cut off and things may improve in the future but I have a teenager with autism and significant mental health issues. Slightest criticism or refusal to do as asked can lead to a massive (often violent) meltdown where one or both parents or siblings are accused of all sorts. I find it very draining and I am very anxious for her future if she does cut me off.
I could see us being cut off in the future if she doesn't need us for financial reasons. I can certainly see her siblings cutting her off and then I am left in a difficult position in the middle. I know she can't really help it but its honestly very difficult to live with. I feel like I am treading on eggshells.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 17/09/2025 16:02

MasculineProviderEnergy · 17/09/2025 15:22

However, my brother in law has gone no contact with his parents and it is 100% not their fault.

I doubt he'll reunite with them if this is their attitude

It's my attitude and I am not them.

They tolerated years of awful behaviour from her before finally putting their foot down.

She's cut him off from one person after another.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 17/09/2025 15:58

BettysRoasties · 17/09/2025 15:05

Either your brother is controlled, weak and subservient or what his wife has said about his parents ring true and she’s shown him the light.

Only he knows which one though.

It's the former, whether he knows that or not.

They are the loveliest people and she has treated them abominably.

He made the biggest mistake of his life when he swiped right on that one.