My DH “ran into” his ex

Fortunately for the guy, you’re not married to him.

It seems to me that op wants to believe what she wants to believe. The easiest way to deal with this for some people is to avoid digging, and look at the surface level, it does tend to mean the inevitable ends up being twice as painful because they are confronted with both the denial and the betrayal. Choosing to look the other way and hope for the best

True but he follows her on Insta, chances of him not knowing she was coming to London are slim, I would suggest the OP checks to see if he knew from her socials when she was arriving / if she tagged herself at the station etc etc but she seems content to accept his explanation and that’s her business. I’ve run into loads of people unexpectedly but I didn’t then sit with them for an hour, exchange numbers and then exchange 4/5 texts with them in a 24hr period. Actually when most people have a chance encounter they’d say something socially awkward or wish they had asked more questions and kick themselves later - especially an ex. But perhaps the husband is very socially adept and this is really how he would react to anyone - we don’t really know that. The OP wanted opinions and I gave mine, it’s good that she got mixed opinions, all relationships are different and I hope it gives her the opportunity to feel confident that her husband is sincere but also that she’s every right to be uncomfortable and voice how she feels to him. I can’t help who I am and what I think about a situation, it doesn’t mean I want him to have lied or that I want OP to see things my way, it is just my honest view.

My comments on the OP versus husband weren’t intended as condescending.

I know lots of people who live small town lives. They're very happy and fulfilled with generations of extended family and long-term friends around them. They’re solid and secure but their lives are by definition narrower and so are their outlooks on life.

International lives are different, more mobile, more precarious and more subject to upheaval in terms of the social side. In exchange you get variety and excitement and, often, a broader outlook.

There are pros and cons to both!

So my argument is that for someone more international it absolutely makes total sense to have a fun and casual coffee with an ex and follow it up with chat about topics they're interested in.

And I can see that someone with a very fixed and settled life might see it differently. If you spend your time with people you’ve always known, new people will probably seem daunting.

I can only go by what the OP has shared and there’s of course a risk that I’ve misinterpreted her, but she does seem particularly nervous and insecure. It’s a real shame and not a fun way to live. And the norms she and her husband live by have been revealed as different. Nothing wrong with the norms either way, it’s the clash that’s the issue. And needs sorting.

But I do think people indulging in flights of fancy about this being a big ruse and a
set up are deeply silly. And I feel sorry that their unfortunate life experiences have left them thinking like that. That probably is a little condescending but there we go.

Coincidences happen all the time.

I've run into friends who live in very different parts of the country from me at least twice in major London train stations, which is no mean feat as I don't go to London very often. Also run into one at Heathrow and another on a plane. It does happen! Personally I don't think it sounds like either of them are up to anything suspicious but if it's going to upset you then he should just leave it where it is.

Definitely a planned meeting, but that doesn’t mean they have still got feelings for each other.

Yeah certainly by all means chat to an ex if you bump into them however classing them as a friend and arranging meet ups and chatting to them on social media like you would do with your normal ‘non ex’ friends is disrespectful to your current partner and a red flag IMO.

hopefully for the OP the coffee wasn’t pre arranged and he doesn’t continue his contact with her on social media.

The issue is that he has clearly arranged a coffee with her. Gone to London deliberately to see her. Follows her life still. This is major red flag territory. He clearly at the very least holds a candle for her.

The fact she doesn’t live here is not exactly comforting. He told you to cover his back. I would not be having this op. I would insist he stops following her on SM ( he should have done this long ago himself) and he can move out if he continues to contact her. It’s firmly in emotional affair camp, and he needs to know now what he might lose with his poor decision making before things escalate.

If you respect yourself - he will respect you too

@Erras I think your husband sounds lovely but his shared interests with her would mostly bore me too. My other half also likes F1 and it is tedious!
He has reassured you, told you that they'd met up and had coffee and not tried to hide it. Showed you the messages between them on his phone and she wanted to meet you which is want you want to do with partners of your friends.
I say you've got a good 'un and hang onto him :)

This is exactly why I don't have friends to be honest women after your partner when their with you is something I wouldn't be able to deal with my ex dh was forever chatting to women in front of me and he even went out clubbing with 2 female neighbours! While I was left babysitting their kids

This sounds planned and they seem connected to me I wouldn't be impressed one little bit If my dh met with his ex not that he would but if he did I wouldn't be happy to be honest and their messaging aswell and he follows her on insta? Yeah not a good vibe that I would actually be furious

I can’t believe people believe it was coincidental! I think he knew she would be there from following her on Insta and hung around looking for her. I don’t think the woman was in on it or that’s she’s interested in staying in touch really.

condescending wasn’t it? I didn’t dare comment because I’ve got a lot of stick on here already for my strong views. Totally agree with you, shaming the woman for not being liberal or experienced enough, men do this a lot.

In reality the majority of the contact your husband would have with his ex, is via text, calls and social media. She lives in another country, so how often does she come back to the UK? Therefore, the contact your husband has, would be without your involvement, unless he's planning on having a video conference with you and her partner included!! Highly unlikely! I have met up with an ex, with his partner and my husband, and we've had a fantastic time. The difference being, my ex and I split 30 years ago, and have kept in touch for 25 years, and my husband was aware from the start of our relationship. Absolutely nothing has been hidden. No romantic feelings towards my ex, we are firmly in the platonic box, going both ways here too. My husband doesn't have an issue with it, and he and my ex are similar in humour/interests. However, like others, I think your husband probably did arrange this meetup with his ex in advance, he just happened to coincide it, with visiting friends in London. Presumably, you requiring the car for an airport run, was known about several months/weeks in advance, so easy for him to plan. Therefore, he's hiding information/contact from you, which is not OK. My honest opinion, would be to call his bluff, tell him, you'd be happy to meet her and her partner for drinks next time they're in the country! It would then be interesting to see if it ever materialised! If there's a romantic interest between them, it's something difficult to hide, and I think you'd pick up on it quickly.

I am too, but I don’t usually have time to sit down and have coffee with them…

I’m forever running into people I know in London! Could just be a coincidence. I’d keep and eye on things without overreacting…

I understand a chance meeting. Not the rest. The spare time they both had. He continued texts. Him gaslighting OP …

Were any your ex that you follow on sm? Did you both just happen to have an hour or so spare at the same time? Did you both keep in further touch with reading lists? Did you both continue to message each other further? His behaviour is odd and underhand.

Yes! A few months after I moved to London I bumped into a school friend who lived in Australia on Southampton Row on the one day she was visiting London. It happens

My boyfriend (at the time) arranged a meet up with his daughter and our mutual friend - claims he told me but he definitely didn’t.
Cut to now, my gut feeling was correct - and they now live together. And she is definitely no friend of mine like I thought she was!
Reading your update - from her end it definitely seems innocent, but if your gut is telling you something about him - just watch and wait is all I can suggest. I really hope it is innocent.

Yes he possibly would !
Don't be naive, some people would lie like this and much much more. I've been on the end of it and so have many other peeps on MN. It's not hard to find those threads on aibu and relationships.

I agree with @user1492757084.

My H and I do not friend or communicate with our previous romantic/sexual partners. @Erras, your feelings are entirely valid and reasonable.

As your H commented to his Ex ‘Was nice to run into you’, it is clear that this was an unplanned visit. However, I would not be impressed by the extended texting or by H’s push-back that he should be able to be friends and share mutual hobbies with Ex.

Although she did set a boundary by mentioning wanting to meet you, she also prompted future conversations by requesting that H let her know if he likes the book. These exchanges about the books, films, etc. could go on indefinitely. His calling your request that he discontinue the messaging ‘unfair’ is a devaluation of your valid feelings.

@Erras, I hope he will respect your boundaries and draw a line under further interactions with his Ex. I would not accept anything less.

All you’ll get from this thread OP is people projecting their experiences onto everyone else. You can spot who’s been cheated on and never got over it a mile off from the comments.

I don’t think it sounds suspicious but I don’t know your husband, neither does anyone else on here, so it’s easy for me to say that because I’m thinking if this was my situation with my Dh then I’d believe him but others are thinking of similar situation’s they’ve been in where it’s turned out to be not so innocent. Bottom line is only you know if he’s lying and don’t listen to random people on the internet.

It’s just my view on the situation, others are welcome to offer theirs.

The point is that the picture the OP is painting is of quite a mismatched couple. He’s into cinema and philosophy, she’s not. He has international friends, she comes across as more small town. He seems calm, confident and mature, while she’s perhaps a little insecure and ill at ease.

Now opposites absolutely do attract but the flashpoint here seems to be the husband enjoying the company and connection with someone like-minded. That doesn't make him a liar and cheat like a lot of people here have suggested, but it has made the OP “anxious” enough to breach the privacy of his phone. That is potentially very major in a marriage. There is clearly a lack of trust and confidence alongside the differences in personality. And that is always worth exploring.