My DH “ran into” his ex

It sounds complete BS that they ran in to each other. He wants to tell you a half truth to feel better about the full dishonesty and to have your daughter with him? I would not be happy.

I know personally of several affairs that started out with play dates and with dc! It was not uncommon. Some women find good fathers, particularly handsome ones very attractive.

You are right to ask him to cut contact. Their communication back and forth will be reinforcing all the reasons they were so good together. Most men only invest their time and effort into something or someone worthwhile. He is not doing it for the benefit of humanity. At the very least he stills finds her ‘enjoyable’ and interesting.

It’s good that you trust him, but not at all costs. It’s healthy to keep an open mind and look out for yourself. I haven’t been cheated on, but we have agreements around expected conduct and friendships. Ex lovers are not welcome. Especially ones that have so much in common.

I hope he unfollows her, stops this whatever it is - in its tracks and prioritises his relationship with you.

Oh good grief, so now he's scheming using his toddler ..well known seduction technique that. OP you sound like you have a brilliant guy who has done exactly what most people are saying he should do to prioritise your marriage. Some people on here are honestly bonkers. There's been dozens of posters giving examples of random and unlikely meet ups but still some insisting it couldn't possibly happen.

A smokescreen? Have you ever tried to have a romantic experience with a toddler? 😂

Actually , I’m going to backtrack on the comment about their daughter because you are right about that one. I know someone who cheated on their partner and would take their baby to meet up with them.

But , I do think if it was planned - then it was planned in secret . He lied to his wife about where he was going and knew what he was doing was wrong , hence not saying anything. But to then tell her ? That part makes no sense when he had no need to as he already had an ‘alibi’ and the daughter is too young to say anything . I also don’t know why he would then suggest meeting up with her and her partner - if the intention was sinister then surely he would continue meeting up in secret

The child is a very convenient smokescreen, given her age she can’t report back either.

It could well be that they bumped into each other. It seems odd that he would arrange to meet her , in secret , but then tell you about it after ( and take your daughter ) .

I don’t see the issue in stopping for a coffee and a catch up - she’s a part of his life and if they ended amicably, then he could well have happy memories. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you and it doesn’t mean he wants her , it just means she was a part of his life.

However, I think it should be left at that. To then have a friendship with an ex , after all this time , and start meeting up etc is inappropriate. She is his past and you are absolutely not unreasonable to not want him building a friendship with her when their mutual connection is a past romantic relationship . For me, this would be crossing a boundary of mine - to carry on messaging and meet up. I wouldn’t have an issue with an occasional message , a chat about shared interests , but that would be it for me

I bumped into my ex randomly in Victoria station ( at the time we lived 350 miles apart and neither of us in London)…I was dolled up to the nines as on my way to a wedding.
I couldn’t believe my luck that I didn’t look a right state ( like I do 90%) of the time!
So it can and does happen.

On the other side of the coin, I see my ex and it really is nothing. I don't know why. Feelings have just died, but I still like him. Has he got mentionitis? Or is he pretending he didn't see her? As I would tell my partner if I'd seen him but wouldn't necessarily tell him about messages in the same way I don't tell him if other mates message me.

OP, I think your DH sounds caring and trustworthy.

My DH didn’t bump into an ex but she contacted him after many years and suggested a meet up. He told me straightaway, said he would go but what did I think. I said I wasn’t happy about it and he didn’t go. And that was the end. He was more than happy to prioritise my feelings and for my part, I’d never meet 1:1 with an ex. It’s loaded and I agree with a previous comment, you’re not friends you ex-lovers. It’s different. Especially if you haven’t maintained any kind of relationship since the split.

But if it was a planned meet to would he do it with his daughter in tow and then tell his wife ?

He has said he will if she'd prefer he didn't. Literally that.

You haven't bothered reading OP ' updates, have you?

It's not really a "coincidence". You meet any people in life and sometimes you unexpectedly bump into them. A coincidence would be if he'd just that morning said it would be nice to see her and then he bumped into her.

They broke up 6 years ago, had a brief catch-up, with kids present, and have since exchanged a few texts about books and TV. I see nothing to worry about in this situation.

If someone was planning to meet up with their ex for the purposes of rekindling the relationship, they wouldn't be taking a toddler or telling you about it!

Regardless of whether their meeting was accidental or not, his dismissal of your feelings over his friendship with her, is a cause for concern. Why does he want to be friends with her? Why is he not considering your obvious discomfort over their relationship? I think it is a big red flag if he refuses to cut communication with her.

I'm so bemused by the posts expressing horror at any interaction between exes.
As others have said, they're exes for a reason. But presumably there was also enough of a friendship to have begin the relationship. I don't know why they're suddenly seen as toxic.

A friend of mine actually was wedding planner for her ex and his new wife, and they're all best of friends. I love stories like that. People actually being grown up.

I would have been uncomfortable too with my DH catching up with an ex so I am glad your DH has been open and then put a stop to further visits taking your feelings into consideration.

Good Lord. If I did any of that to my partner, he would pack his bags and leave me straight away. And you could hardly blame him.

I'm still in touch with a couple of exes from many years ago - MrG has met both of them once or twice and is fine with it. If we meet up for lunch or drinks, he doesn't want to join us (I do invite him). And vice versa for his exes. If he wants to run off with one of them, that's okay by me! 😆

No, I'm very good friends with several of mine from back in uni days. As I said upthread we see each other for drinks, even food and on a few occasions whole weekends back in our uni town.

I've been cheated on, I get why some might be suspicious and overly alert for red flags but far too many have stated categorically that this guy IS cheating or soon will and the OP should prepare for it. Some sound almost like they will be disappointed if he isn't. Sad.

You need to nip this in the bud, I'm afraid. I doubt if anything unforgivable has happened yet, but trust me it will if you don't intervene and it'll be easier to now than later. Tell him you weren't born yesterday and do that Robert de Niro "I see you" gesture.

The worry is the romantic fiction of having run into her by accident. He didn't want to tell you they were meeting for coffee because he was afraid you wouldn't like it, she probably told him to tell you and not be silly because they weren't doing any harm, and so far there is no harm. But this is not okay and it mustn't happen again. Be clear.

I have only read the OP’s posts and I don’t see an issue.
I mean, I have bumped into people I know on holiday. It happens. It was a station so people wait for trains and there is time for coffee.
There is literally nothing here to be anxious about, in my opinion.
Personally, if my partner said I should not have had a coffee with someone I had not seen for six years ago when I wanted to, ex or not, I would find that controlling.

But can i just also say;
me, hubby, my father n kids went to Morocco, hubby bumped in to an old mate he grew up with.
we went to Mexico, i bumped into an old Matron.
went to Turkey, we bumped into an old Nursing mentor of mine.
iv decided we should holiday on the moon in future, so things do happen 🤷🏼‍♀️

Defiantly a planned meet up and he defiantly still holds a torch to keep in contact . Red flags all over the place . Sadly, sounds like a common married family man’s effort to feel young again . Say “actually I was thinking of Dave ( any ex’s name ) recently and how much l enjoyed having a laugh with him. You’re right - we are grown ups and there’s no reason to be jealous - thanks for being upfront so that we know we are stable enough to have outside friends ! “