To not “babysit” my stepchild?

I don’t think you are being the least bit U. The two parents need to sort this, it needs nipping in the bud.

I’m not blaming the woman. I’m blaming both of them. The official custody split is 50/50. The child isn’t just a visitor, this is his home fifty percent of the time - what exactly was OP expecting ? And now here we are talking about farming him out to childcare on his dad’s watch. OP and her DH need to sort themselves out and maybe dad needs to go back to court to sort things out with his ex and clarify custody as it sounds as though she’s taking the piss and he doesn’t want to confront her. There’s a little boy in the middle of this and he seems to be his actual parents’ last concern.

to start with I was thinking why marry someone with young child if you don’t want to fully integrate
but then I saw his rude comment of

welcome to my world, first time you’ve done a full parenting shift”

how rude and entitled
he can’t just pick up extras shifts and expect you to look after his kid

perhoas it’s time to consider if this is what you really want before you end up pregnant yourself you can divorce but if you have kids with him
you’ll always be connected for life
is that what you want ?

Surely she can do hobbies when he isn’t.

I cannot believe there a people complaining because someone wants a hobby for a few hours on a Saturday. If your husband told you you weren’t allowed a hobby or break, we’d all call him a dick.

Coordinate your breaks around each other, we’re all tired, just work together to make it work 😂.

OP is working, nobody has told her she can’t. Her complaint appears to be that she’s tired from working and parenting, and as the child isn’t hers would like less parenting.

Her husband has to work, I can’t believe anyone actually has an issue with that part of it. He’s “allowed” a job. What’s he going to do, resign because his ex wife has dropped her custody?

What I have actually been saying is that both OP and her husband should be “able” to work and have personal lives outside of the home, because they both should be working together to meet the child’s needs. I’m aware that’s not a legal responsibility, but I honestly believe it’s part and parcel of introducing yourself into an existing family. Get on board, or get out.

OP is “allowed” to work, pick up hobbies, whatever, but she has responsibilities that she took on when she took on someone’s child.

I actually find all this talk of “allowed” and “able to work” ridiculous. Put your big grown up pants on and get on with it.

There’s a 5 year old at the heart of this, with a group of adults arguing about who cares for him. Do you not think that’s a shame?

Good for you. When does the op get a break if her dh now spends his weekends alternating between optional extra work and hobbies?? And what do you even mean by when does the dh get to work? It’s perfectly clear he gets to work Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday and Friday while being actively supported in parenting by the op, who very normally objects to that support being extended to solo parenting a child who needs his dad all weekend? Do you know something we don’t that this dh is just so special that he should be enabled 7 days a week? You say you and your partner support each other to get hobby time- why don’t you think the op deserves any support from this man then?

Exactly

Somehow it seems you both forgot to have a conversation about expectations around this. I think you both need to communicate better. In your position I would be happy with during the week but I would definitely want my weekends to myself. Dh needs to stop the extra shifts as you are not a babysitter. You do have a life of your own.

Fortunately op has realised this sooner than later, hence posting.

But prior to actually getting wed, op lived with her now dh for 18 months, and helped to look after the child, but wasn’t the main carer. Since getting a ring in her finger, Dh seems to have dropped his parental responsibilities, taking up an extra hobby, and expecting op to take up the slack.

When is the OP supposed to work? And why isn't that one of your questions?

I don't think you have read all of the OP's posts. I think you are using this thread to tell us what a wonderfully accomodating wife you are. Good for you.

If you'd read all the OP's posts you would have noticed how many hours she's working too so I'm not sure why your comments imply this is a SAHsM situation.

He’s chosen you because you’re obviously a kind person, he now has a built in nanny for his child and free childcare, can pick up extra shifts at work and do his hobby. You are facilitating all this for him.
you will grow to resent him whilst feeling guilty about the child who has 2 ineffective parents who are happy to pass him off to you. This won’t end well.

Plenty of women criticise men for saying they are 'babysitting' their own kids. How is this scenario any different? The OP is complaining about 'babysitting' a child she is responsible for. If the issue is truly because the father is not around as much as she feels he should be, then why mention the child is a step child at all? Although, also why ask on here? If it is just that the father is not pulling his weight for childcare, then that is a discussion for the two of them and something that is so common in heterosexual relationships that it should not be a surprise.

However, the issue seemed to be a lot more about the fact that the child belonged to the father, not her

when do you get time for yourself? Join a gym/ take yoga classes/ start running tell DH you will be going to your class at x time and he’s in charge.

From OPs updates it sounds like the custody is swaying heavily in their direction - it looked like they’d only have today “off,” and that was only if his mum took him back for the one night.

If it remains like that - when is her husband “allowed” to work? Never? Not allowed hobbies unless he gets external childcare in?

I wouldn’t dream of it. We now have our stepson full time, his mum gave him up last year. We’re both entitled to a break, and surely everyone is “allowed” to work.

This is about to get a whole lot more difficult if the custody stays so unweighted and he’s “not allowed” to be away from his son.

This is unacceptable OP. The child’s parents are both enjoying free weekends and hobbies and you’re using your weekend to look after their child.

You need to sit your dh down and say that you will no longer be available at weekends as you need your own downtime. He can speak to his ex and go back to eow or spend the time with his own son.

Ultimately you’ll probably need to split because he is selfish and does not care about what you want. He sees you as being there to look after his child while he lives his life.

Split now before you have children of your own and find someone that respects you

Good luck

Ha ha.
Yes, I read the posts. You do realise that in a two parent household, sometimes one has to work and the other one looks after the kids?
Your outrage is funny

He’s taking the mick. Well they both are. You need to put your foot down. Start doing a few things for yourself at the weekend. He can’t just expect you to do all the childcare.

What have I just read!? And the wild responses you’re getting calling you selfish!? It’s not a coincidence he’s now suggested a Saturday hobby - it’s a natural progression after he tested the waters and found you would do the four-day weekend shift even if you weren’t happy about it. This is line in the sand time - lay out very clearly (and put in an email so it’s black and white how much you’re already doing) what you will do, so the stuff you were happy to do before, and what you won’t,ie solo parenting all weekend. Ppl treat us how we let them - and he’s trying to treat you like a mug. You are a good stepmum, but not an unpaid nanny!! Good luck OP

If he was your bio child and you wrote this post you would be having a husband problem. Somehow a lot of the posts make it a you problem. Your husband and his ex partner need to re discuss custody arrangements, if he wants to take on extra shifts and a Saturday hobby. I feel sorry for the child as neither of his parents seem to be giving a crap about him and you are stepping in to fill that void and then receiving shit on here about not doing enough 🤷‍♀️

Sound like he wanted a nanny for his child rather than a life partner.

Some of the martyr-like responses on here make me realise why men get away with what they do 🙄 one must look after any child in one’s house like their own if one has a womb. But if you’re a man, just hire a Fanny/new wife and do what you want. Pathetic. OP you are NOT in the wrong but you do need to speak up. His ex just tells him she can’t look after him and he accepts it because you are at home to do it. If you say you will no longer commit to looking after him at all on a weekend then maybe he’ll stop being so generous to his ex with your time! You are currently bottom of his list and a default nanny. He has no respect for your time so it’s time to take away any say on what you do with it. Toughen up to this using nob ❤️

This is from the OP yesterday. Note all she does with the child and the underlined portion where she explicitly says she is happy to parent WITH her husband but not FOR him. IF you have read the OP's posts you will see that she is working long hours 5 days a week and sometimes finishing admin in the evenings. Did you assume that she's reliant on her husband for money so she should just shut up and suck it up?

Her husband and the child's mum are taking the piss and neglecting their child, could we take a moment to acknowledge they are shit parents and recognise that OP seems to be the only one prioritising the child's needs.

I love my DSS, I have always fully embraced him and built a really good relationship with him. I pick him up from school, drop him off, make packed lunches, get him little gifts when he comes over, decorated his room with him in the way he wanted it, bake with him, take him to the park, take him to my family for meals, arrange birthday parties/drop at other parties, facilitate play dates, get up in the night with him when he’s unwell, take him for his haircuts, take him the Gp if he’s not well. Etc.

I have never expressed that I don’t want DSS because it’s not the case at all. DSS is not resented by me.

My issue is that I appear to be doing a huge bulk of parenting, whilst DSS mum has free weekends, and my DH can decide he won’t be here at the weekends either.

I am TIRED. I have a stressful job, working every weekday, usually into the evenings to finish my admin too. I am more than happy to be a stepmum, but not a primary caregiver for a child that isn’t mine. Sorry if that’s harsh.

DH has now appeared home and said that he will be taking up a new hobby next Saturday. He is taking the absolute piss. I am happy to (step)parent with him but not FOR him.

DSS’s mum doesn’t even have him tonight because she said her partner isn’t well and can’t be at home. So that’s us having him Friday - Thursday (if she picks up tomorrow) and then Friday - Tuesday again. How is that fair?

Your DH is absolutely taking the piss. So is this child’s mother.

Decide you are prepared to do e.g 2 pick ups and bath time per week. Which in my opinion would be very generous of you. Tell him. Stick to it.

him that this is not what you want from your marriage. And make sure your birth control is top notch.