To not “babysit” my stepchild?

The 'welcome to my world' comment suggests he sees himself as the victim in this.

I would anticipate the time coming where step son is with you full time. Every weekend on a 50/50 split is not a 50/50 split… but you can’t do anything about that

Except inform the DWP

Sorry this is long, but wanted to give my view a few years down the line, both as the SM and the DM, as I was in this situation about 15 years ago. Extremely stupid, immature and naïve and wish I'd had a strong group of internet women to tell me to leave or accept it. DSD was passed around way too much and I strongly felt that as she had two parents, they should do the bulk of the childcare. She was passed around between them, MIL and left with me a lot.

Name changed because this is shameful, but I ended up resentful of the whole situation, DH, MIL, the ex and sadly DSD as well (although I tried not to show it). By the time I had my own DCs, I was done. The situation was awful, I was knackered with new babies and anxiety and refused to "babysit" anymore. Wrong for all the DCs I know. I tried to encourage DH to do more with DSD on their own, she was older, they could go out and do stuff together, and also to try and build relationships with her friendship group but he was rarely interested.

Unsurprisingly I'm divorced now. DH was lazy with our DC too and had a lot of hobbies. He's now in a new live in relationship. Guess what, he quite often arranges extra shifts during DC contact time. I'm painfully aware that this is wrong for his new partner and my DC. So whenever I possibly can, if I know he's not there I'll just bring the DC home. It's not my "turn" to have them but I am their DM and so time off doesn't apply to me as far as I'm concerned.

As an aside, I've never left my new partner with my DC and won't be moving in with him until they're adults. I actually have a surprisingly ok relationship with DSD who is grown up now. But know I wasn't there when it counted and am trying hard to incorporate her back into our lives and be there if she needs me. She doesn't seem massively close to either of her parents either which is sad but to be expected.

You’ve married a lazy gobshite who can’t be arsed to parent. He will be as bad, if not worse were you to have your own child with him. All changed when that ring went on your finger eh? Conveniently got himself live in childcare who pays the bills to boot? His comment to you about a parenting shift is disgusting and the hobby thing just demonstrates utter contempt for you.

You’ve seen his true colours, you’ve only been with him 3 years and you’re still only 29. Please don’t tell me you moved him into your house? In your shoes I’d be ending this marriage and leaving the selfish prick (and his selfish ex) to it. This won’t get better.

Simple you tell him he cant do his hobby saturday as theres nobody to watch your stepchild as your busy. His choice to have a kid not yours.

Some of the responses here give me shades of a snarky colleague who also did the "welcome to my world/you signed up for this" responses when a newly married colleague mentioned anything to do with her stepdaughter and trying to juggle shifts around school pick ups. Same snarky colleague also thought the newly married one shouldn't get the Christmas holidays off because she wasn't a "real" mum. You can't win OP.

Your DH is taking the piss. Unless the shifts are because you need the money he should be prioritising spending time with his son. The hobby is ridiculous. This would be a deal breaker for me. Please dont have children with a man who actively avoids parenting the children he's got.

You are blaming the wrong person here op.

The only person who is being an arsehole here is your husband.

not the exwife who is still doing 50/50.

it is not the exwifes fault at all that your husband is palming his half of parenting off on you.

im sorry for you that you didn’t spot that he is only with you to use you before you married him.

To be honest, I'd not be able to stay with someone who doesn't care for their own child
@holrosea but she is bonded to this child. She knows that if she disappears from his life then he will be neglected because his parents clearly don't care that much about him. She is trapped between resentment if she obeys and fear of what will happen to the child ( for which he will no doubt blame her) if she tries to push back.

It was the "welcome to my world" comment that stood out for me.
This man has deliberately played the op.

PART 1: He facilitates a 'honeymoon' period where she bonds with his son. During thIs stage there is no pressure on her, no expectation that she should make any sacrifices of her personal time.
Presumably marriage will have been discussed and there has been no indication that his expectations of her (in regards to his son) will change after they are married.

PART 2: They get married and ....YAY🥳 she fell for it, hook line and sinker!!
His patience and playing nice has paid off and now he gets to live the life of a single man, going out and indulging himself whenever he likes whilst she has to stay at home and look after the kid. When she complains he laughs at her and does it even more. He knows that she's bonded to the child and she'll feel too confused and guilty to push back.

"Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really."

"Since we moved in together, Grandma taking care of DSS has slowly stopped... This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed."

"We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts"

"DH has now appeared home and said that he will be taking up a new hobby next Saturday."

You are being taken for an absolute mug, OP.

Ignore the harsh responses, it is clear from your posts that you like and care for your DSS, and it looks like you are very involved in DSS's day to day.

Your DH has hoodwinked you. Pre-marriage and cohabitation, he didn't expect you to look after DSS much, and his mum stepped in. Since marriage, without discussion, he has actively sought to be out of the house when DSS is with you.

Side note: is he sharing the proceeds from working extra shifts? Do you have a shared pot or is he just taking advantage of free babysitting to have his own money?

DSS is lucky that he has a stepmum who cares about him and is frustrated by his parents' lack of engagement and responsibility. DSS has TWO PARENTS who should be caring for him. I do agree with PP that you need to sit your DH down ASAP and ask him what his childcare plan is for his extra shifts and his new hobby. He absolutely knows that he is taking the piss, and he clearly just believes that some woman - you, his mum - will unquestioningly swoop in to care for children.

To be honest, I'd not be able to stay with someone who doesn't care for their own child.

Any updates, OP?

I do feel for you though. The parents are failing to realise they are the parents, but this needed a stern conversation pre marriage to discuss the kind of parenting arrangement you would be willing to do.

A bit late now that you are married but no way would I have ever been mid 20s dating a man with a young child.

You need to arrange a proper conversation with your step-sons parents and say you never intended to do their job for them.

DH has now appeared home and said that he will be taking up a new hobby next Saturday. He is taking the absolute piss. I am happy to (step)parent with him but not FOR him.

I hope you asked him what he has arranged regards looking after his son as you have your own plans for the weekend.

You were silly to marry a man with a child.

Whilst I totally agree with this, the chances of it happening are minimal. I suspect the DH is one of these men who takes the child whenever his ex tells him to, and its particularly handy now that he can hand the child to the OP

Yes, and when he starts getting expensive in a few years guess who will be expected to help pay for fancy trainers, etc. Not the flake of a mother I bet. If you are not 100% into being committed to this child maybe leave now. For the kids sake not just yours.

My response to "I'm starting a new hobby on Saturday" would be "what a coincidence - so am I!". Then get yourself out on Saturday morning - even if it's to spend the day walking / drinking coffee or whatever.

You didn't necessarily make a mistake in marrying a man with children however it looks like you made a mistake marrying THIS man. He cares nothing for your well-being, only that he can continue life relatively unencumbered by his child.

If mum needs time out it should be up to mum to pay for childcare. If she isn't having him for her allotted days I would certainly look into whether he is actually paying too much cs. This could cut his costs so he could work less.

I believe it's called "lazy-itus".

Read the update, he wants to do a hobby. Also you have no idea what his motivation is for working. He wouldn’t be the first to pick up shifts to get out of childcare.

It's not his free time though. He's working, that could make a difference if he is working for the good of the family unit, such as doing ot so they can save for a house or something.

Missed the bit about new hobby. I stand by the rest of my post ,but agree that this is totally selfish. Maybe she should make arrangements at weekend or take up a new interest and tell him she is unavailable.

I'm a step-parent with the kids with us full-time. My partner and I consider ourselves equally responsible for parenting the kids.

Well yes indeed. Although in this instance the child is just being left with his step-mum when it is his dad's time to have him!!! Not exactly "equally responsible"?!

I would also question why the dad doesn't want to spend any time with his son at all!!

Don't you think that it's a bit of a coincidence that as soon as his ex-wife/partner started saying that she can't look after their child at the weekend due to her mental health, he suddently starts picking up extra shifts at the weekend and taking on a new hobby? It sounds as though he is also avoiding looking after his own child at the weekend like the boy's mum has done. That just seems to leave OP to take up the parenting slack which doesn't seem fair when there was no discussion and OP works very long full-time hours all week. She is happy to co-paret with her DH at the weekend, she just doesn't want to do it all on her own.

Sounds like he saw you coming, in all honesty.

It's correct that if you choose to marry or at least cohabit with someone who has a child, there's always a possibility said DC will be with you more/full time, and you signed up for that part. But your DHs disrespect is beyond that.