To not “babysit” my stepchild?

Misery loves company.

No, you absolutely can ‘pick and choose’. You may have felt you couldn’t, but once again, that isn’t a standard that applies universally (and thank fuck for that). Hell, there are posters in this thread that wouldn’t tolerate this from their husbands in nuclear families with shared children.

I don’t know why you signed up for a situation that anyone with an ounce of self respect would be dodging harder than Neo dodged bullets in the matrix, but I guess it goes to show that truly, one person’s heaven is another’s hell.

It doesn't matter if you are a step mum or not, no parent gets to decide that the other parent is the default childcare so they can just work or do a hobby whenever they feel like it.

It needs a discussion.

I can't just decide to work every Saturday and leave my husband (and their dad) in charge without any discussion about why. If I want to pick up any Saturday I run it by him first to see if he was wanting to do anything.

I would be fuming if he just decided that every Saturday he would suddenly decide to work and I'm the kids actual parent! If he said "we need the money so I was thinking of working Saturdays because it pays well" then I would say "ok but there will be Saturdays I want some time for me when you can't work"

He usually goes out on a Sunday afternoon but if there was something that I wanted to do that I could only do on a Sunday then he would have to skip his hobby just the same as I would when I was running on a Saturday or arrange childcare (which I had to do because both of us wanted to do something on a Saturday that couldn't be moved)

That's life as a parent, you are no longer free to universally decide to disappear, it needs to be discussed with the other parent.

That's wrong then. He should maybe make his child his hobby, he is being selfish then and isn't going to change.

This may come as a shock, but some people don’t want to get married.

This would be both of our second marriages, and neither of us are interested in the piece of paper.

But thank you for your concern.

@SleeplessInWherever You could just post a shorter version cos what you really mean is ..............i had to so why shouldnt you.

And you are doing all this without even being married to him? He saw you coming

I’m a step parent too and it’s nice that you want to make that sacrifice but you don’t speak for us all.

You can’t claim to have integrated yourself into a family, and then pick and choose what you do in it. Like I said - all in or all out.

I’m also not married, and don’t live in servitude. I live in a house where all responsibilities are shared, equally.

No idea. As I said before, my stepsons mum has fully opted out, legally and by all other means.

It’s horrendous, deeply unpleasant, and something nobody can change. I can’t make her want her son, but I can make sure he has loving parents in this house.

It is not about tired adults and hobbies. It’s about a little boy who needs looking after, particularly if his mother is making indications that she’ll be largely out of the picture.

I’ve seen the impact of that on a child, and as much as I absolutely acknowledge the pressure it puts on everyone, I would never have begrudged my stepson the care he needed from the other adults in his life, blood relative or not.

Ah yes, because there’s one universal dynamic all families must emulate in order to be considered family. Oh no, wait. There isn’t.

His wife isn’t his childcare, didn’t sign up to be, and doesn’t have to be now he’s trying to force it onto her. She isn’t responsible for his child, no matter how much you wish to insist that she is. Married or not, he has a responsibility that isn’t shared with his wife.

You may have accepted servitude upon marriage, and for some reasons are intent on presenting it as something to aspire to, but you didn’t actually have to. That was your choice, and it’s not a fate anyone else has to resign themselves to.

So why can his mum opt out?

His childcare lives in his house. They’re either a family or they’re not.

If they’re not - no more school runs, or nice lovely days out, or furniture choosing. You cannot be half in/half out depending on how you feel.

You’re either responsible for the child, or don’t want to be. But both of those options should be fully committed to. Anything else isn’t in the best interest of the child, which is really who all of this should be about.

If he wanted a babysitter he should employ one, he shouldn't have married the OP.

Marrying someone with a child or children doesn't mean they are entitled to use you as defacto babysitter without prior discussion.

This is really a conversation that should have taken place before marriage and moving in together. But better late than never.

Totally agree - why is it ok for his mother to opt out and yet you’re just expected to absorb whatever load. Your DH should be asking if you’re happy to assist each and EVERY time and he should use childcare or reschedule his work around his parenting responsibilities.

‘Should’ doesn’t come into it when you’re responsible for a child. He isn’t at liberty to just pick up extra shifts and a hobby without sorting out childcare. And if he can’t sort out childcare? Then tough shit, he can’t pick up extra shifts and a hobby. That isn’t OP ‘banning’ him, that’s just the reality of what he signed up for when he became a parent.

Picking up his childcare slack and being a parent to his child isn’t what OP became responsible for when she married him. YOU may have agreed to do that for your husband, but that isn’t something that anyone else needs to follow your lead on.

MN is mad sometimes.

Are none of you allowed hobbies, or shifts at work? Do your husbands not play 5 aside, golf, breathe independently?

Biological kids or otherwise, does all parenting happen with oversight in your houses?

It should be something both parties have access to, by no means do I think that only men are entitled to rest, a break or a life outside the home but are we really all this bothered when the menfolk leave the house?

Get your own hobby, both parties would then have something to do and a break, but I cannot imagine banning a grown man from having a life outside of his house and children 😂.

OP - talk to your husband about your visions for the next year and 5 years, and whether they are shared.

If you suggested taking on an important commitment (e.g. training course) at weekends that would help the household get ahead longer-term - what would his response be?

You need to test these things now before having children of your own, to make sure you're on the same page.

I didn't do this. And while I'm grateful for the positives in my life, it was a mistake not to have been clear upfront that the things I wanted out of life - real needs for me - would very likely no longer be possible.

Which is still not a reason for OP to stay.

Young enough to start again op, because even if he changes now I honestly think you will end up back in the same position if you have a child with him… with more painful options

Some people on this thread seem to think the term 'wife' is a job description, it's not.

Also to all the entitled parents who seem to think that that getting into a relationship means you can shirk all of your parental responsibilities and emotionally blackmail your partner into doing it all for you - YOU are the ones who need to be upfront about your expectations on marriage, you are the ones who should put on your dating profiles that you're looking for a partner/nanny so that you can get on with working extra hours or taking up a new hobby. It was YOUR choice to have kids, the buck stops with you, and you should be grateful for support others offer you.

@holrosea , yes, ideally these two parents who don't give much of a damn about their child are going to stop being parents who don't give too much of a damn about their child!
It's not going to happen though is it. If she tries to push back he will keep pressing on the guilt button. He will do anything rather than give up his new free found freedom from the drudgery of spending time with his 5-year-old son.

I understand where you're coming from, of course she has bonded with DSS. However, that's not a reason to accept DH's behaviour or to stay.

This relies on OP feeling a responsibility to DSS - which she clearly does as she appears to be the only one parenting. However, as PP have pointed out, for all her care or good intentions, she is not a parent and has no parental rights to DSS.

The ideal solution, if OP wishes to remain married, is for her DH and his ex to actually parent their son.

Yep Totally agree They dont want the village that includes telling their kid off for running round a coffee shop when hot drinks are being carried around

Im watching Loose Women on ITV one +one They are shortly about to discuss whether family should provide free childcare

If his extra shifts were financially motivated then he wouldn't be swapping them for a hobby. Where did the OP say the Saturday shifts were just a few hours?

They had arrangements the OP was happy with. Why are you ignoring the changes her husband made without discussing it with her or his dismissive attitude when she did try to raise it?

And now you've moved on from the OP not understanding her obligations when marrying a man with a child to "they rushed things and didn't discuss how things would work which was a mistake". Once again, they had an arrangement which worked for OP, her husband changed it without discussion and now he assumes he can take up a hobby because OP needs to be a good little wifey and suck it up.

A vagina does not obligate a woman to pick up the parenting where the actual parents are too lazy to bother. When entitled parents lament that they have no "village" what they usually mean by "village" is free childcare.