To not “babysit” my stepchild?

This is it in a nutshell, basically.

Why do the child's actual parents get to opt out, but the stepmother doesn't? 🤔

In the world where she wasn’t asked to do it when they lived together for 18 months before they were married.

He’s pulled a bait and switch on her and you are blaming her for that?

This is a bit mean. The OP is making a perfectly reasonable point about how much the actual parents are dumping on her. Without discussion or agreement. That's not fair or reasonable for her or DSS

Sorry to be blunt, op, but you really should have factored this possibility in before you married a man who has 50/50 custody of his 5 yr old son. You couldn’t seriously have expected not to play a major part in caring for him, could you? Surely when you marry someone with young children, you accept that they’re going to be part of your life together, don’t you? I think anyone in your situation needs to be prepared to take on parental responsibilities if circumstances dictate. What would you do if, for some reason, the child had to come and live with you full-time for a while?

He is a shit dad BECAUSE HE ISN'T THERE!!

How is that hard to understand?

He has decided to take on extra shifts with no discussion with his wife to see if she is ok to care for his son!

OP seems to be the only adult who cares for the boy, and yet is getting pilloried on here for not being ecstatically thrilled about it and being told "why marry him"? Because that wasnt the arrangement until the ring was on her finger.

DH needs to stop picking up weekend shifts. It’s his time with his son.

It is a package deal but that said, I couldn't imagine many guys who married a single mom
doing most of the childrearing of her kid. It is OTT. Your husband should be doing 60% of it minimum

This. The SDC is the husband’s child. It was up to him to inform OP before they got married that he would expecting OP to give up her weekends to look after his child. And for her to decide if this was something she wanted to help with. It was not for OP to ask. The responsibility sits with the child’s parent.

No extra responsibility or change happens after a girlfriend gets married to someone with a child. The DGM isn’t expected to automatically stop caring for her DGC as her son has got married; the new wife isn’t automatically expected to step in.

OP doesn’t have to step up because her DH’s feels she needs weekends to herself. You don’t get this luxury as a parent. The ex and DH need to work out a plan which doesn’t involve OP.

I don’t read the OP’s posts this way at all. She’s just complaining that her DH - DSS’s actual father - feels free to work late and take on extra shifts where he wants to, and expect that OP will look after his DS.

She shouldn’t be looking after him more than his Dad does - or more than either parent - his Dad should be looking after him for the vast majority of his agreed time, unless explicitly agreed with the OP than he will work more for the benefit of everyone.

I never know what the right answer is when I read such posts. And I think about the kid too. OP I think you're stuck in a world where both actual parents are proceeding on the assumption that you'll make it all work (for them) by stepping in. Your DH assumed you would parent his child and his ex sounds a teeny bit flaky. You need to have a proper convo with your DH and come out somewhere you don't get put upon but also where small DSS is looked after well.

I say this on every thread like this, and often get cried down, but what is the point if being with a partner with small children if you aren’t willing to be a parent? Especially when their other parent is unreliable in some way.

Yes, he’s the dad, yes you aren’t the mum, but the reality is you’re a family.

If you aren’t interested in parenting a step child don’t marry someone with kids.

I was a step child. It’s shit most of the time.

I would never be a step parent.

You’ve chosen it so get with the reality.

Uggg - I feel for you.

I'll be blunt: there is little sympathy around for stepmothers. Because, I don't know, maybe there's an assumption that you knew what you were letting yourself in for/should count yourself lucky not to be single/all women love all babies/it's too hard for the poor mens on their own when it's not in their nature to wipe noses/what else would you be doing with your little free time. Or people think of their own relationships with step-parents. Whatever it is, it's not supportive, and that goes for the male partners too.

Be clear to your current husband about what you need and want. If he continues to exploit your good nature, you have choices.

Exactly. He just wanted a "nanny with a fanny", not a wife

God the comments! How on earth was it deduced that the DH is a “shit dad”?

But I do agree with those who asked why on earth you married someone with 50% custody of a young child when you don’t really want much to do with the DC and consider him a nuisance. I honestly don’t understand the animosity some women feel to their own DH’s children and it doesn’t say much about your compassion and kindness that you don’t feel able to take on a pseudo parental role to a little boy who’s clearly had a shaky start to his family life.

Do the kid and yourself a favour and leave and find someone without DCs.

I agree with those who feel you should be “a family” now and share care / make the child feel “at home” with you both. He’s had a pretty awful family life so far!!

BUT that still shouldn’t mean doing more than half the childcare when dss is with you and dh without explicit discussion and agreement. Your possession of a uterus does not make you responsible for more than your dh is responsible for - and wouldn’t even if you had birthed the child.

But why is it down to OP to give up every weekends to care for the kid whilst his Mum apparently can't cope and Dad has suddenly taken on extra shifts? Surely his parents are the ones who need to step up and not make him feel like a burden.

That’s not how that works. His son wasn’t and isn’t her son.

He should have been clear he expected her to assume responsibilities for his son, but instead he led her to believe her didn’t, and is now trying to unilaterally dump his responsibility onto her. I’d be telling him to go fuck himself.

Whose idea was it to get married and move in together OP?

No, it doesn’t. ‘Stepparent’ is a title, that’s it. A stepparent may choose to take on responsibilities, but they don’t have to at all. What step-parenting means in practice varies dramatically from person to person, and it’s on a parent to be upfront with their expectations and not just assume their partner is obliged to fall in line. They’re not. TBH it sounds like OP’s husband didn’t just fail to tell her what he wanted in a stepparent, but purposely misled her.

As a girlfriend I would absolutely not expect to be parenting this child. But you are now his wife, this man is your husband and this is his son. If I remarried and my husband said he didn’t want to be a part of my family and didn’t see my son as his responsibility in any way… that wouldn’t work for me. You should have been clearer when you married.

When your husband picks up these extra shifts does the money go into your joint funds? I would expect so, in which case you are benefiting. But if the funds aren’t joint and you don’t see yourself as a family unit then what was the point in getting married, your basically living separate lives!

I am mostly with you OP.

Your DH shouldn’t be expecting any of these things from you, he should be asking you (and happy to accept no for an answer) on each and every occasion. No expectations, and no just falling into habits of doing things.

I wouldn’t go down the road of complaining about what his mother does or doesn’t do- that’s between your DH and her, and it doesn’t sound like she’s the best person to look after a child if her MH is so bad. But it’s for your DH to arrange things with her, and to be on hand for the time he’s agreed to, unless he’s arranged and agreed childcare.

I do hope this money from extra shifts goes into joint funds!

Edit - I would be against it if you were complaining about time all together but it doesn’t sound like you are, just the solo time with DSS.

I think I'd help on on DH 50 percent when you have family time but refuse to do so when his Mum should have him. Just arrange to go out and tell your partner you won't be available for babysitting on his Mum's time. It will either be his Mum, Dad or Grandma.

I personally believe that if you marry someone and they have children then you are taking them on to an extent. Your DH shouldn’t be assuming but I feel that you knew he had a very active role in his life and so you would come in to that. If your DH stayed home to look after him and earned less , how would you feel about that?

I have children , fathers involved , but my DH is the main earner in the house. He pays the rent and majority of bills ( I make a fair contribution in proportion to my salary) - if he was single , or I had no children, he would need a 1 bed place yet he pays the rent on a 3 bed . We spoke about it and the fact is , if I was single I couldn’t afford this house and would be have to go through the homeless process to try and get a council home or I would maybe just about scrape by as I would get some universal credit - but none of those are an option because I am married to him so therefore he has taken that on . I just feel that that is marriage - I know it’s different but it’s the same kind of thing . I came with children , he married me as a mother . Your DH came with a child and you married him as a father .

It's a tricky one, I think if I was marrying a man with a child I'd expect to be fully joining his family and stepping into a motherly role as for his child as support for my husband would involve looking after his child but I imagine I would have probably stepped into this before we got married.

I can understand it feels off that an assumption has been made that now because you're married, you're expected to do more. I think it's the lack of discussion and agreement that is the big problem.