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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not “babysit” my stepchild?

669 replies

namechangedcusillbeflamed · 16/09/2025 17:54

I am recently married (since January) after being with my DH for 3 years. He has DSS5.

Custody is set at half with dad, half with mum. Mum is in and out the picture quite a lot, has MH issues, and sometimes says she cannot have DSS on her days (she’s working/needs to clear her head/needs to take her DSD somewhere… etc).

Anyway, me and DH have lived together for around 18 months. Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really. I would obviously spend time with him and DH together, and would be there if DH nipped the shop etc. DH always works on Monday and Tuesday until 8pm, so he usually left DSS with his mum (DSS grandma) on those nights. Since we moved in together that has slowly stopped, and he is with us now. This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed.

We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts meaning that I am now de facto baby sitter. I looked after his all day Saturday as DH was working.

I feel awful. I really do love DSS, but it’s such a step up doing all this, and I feel like it is taken for granted. When I said to DH that I was knackered after working 7am-6pm and then doing bed time after not having much of a weekend. He said “welcome to my world, first time you’ve done a full parenting shift”

aibu to that this plan isn’t fair on me?? Or am I being a shit stepmum 😭

OP posts:
MoominMai · 16/09/2025 20:16

Mandylovescandy · 16/09/2025 18:37

Exactly, the step child factor is irrelevant here. He is taking weekend shifts and assuming you will solo parent. I am with the father of my DC and would be really unimpressed if he did this without discussing it with me

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The comment I was looking for. To many people keen to slap OP with the overly simplistic ‘shouldn’t have married a man with child then’ 🙄.

This here is the issue not OPs unwillingness to embrace SC.

femfemlicious · 16/09/2025 20:16

namechangedcusillbeflamed · 16/09/2025 18:00

i just think that the arrangement needs to change and/or DH work schedule so he doesn’t work on his contact days? He’s here to see his dad, not me!

I think helping on Wednesday is OK but extra shifts at the weekend should be once in while , no more than once a month. Sit down and have this conversation with him or else he will take things more for granted. Keep helping within reason, marriage is compromise.

usedtobeaylis · 16/09/2025 20:15

Of course YANBU. Nothing about a marriage certificate suggests that you automatically take on additional parenting tasks and responsibilities that haven't even been discussed. He's taking the piss.

Advocodo · 16/09/2025 20:14

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 16/09/2025 18:44

When I got married DH had his 8 y.o. DD. We had her every weekend from Friday evening until Sunday evening because that's when her DM worked.

DH worked every Saturday until lunchtime so I was left with DD all morning. At first I found it very difficult. I knew nothing about kids and had no interest in them. But I got in and made a big effort.

Soon found out she was a dear little girl and our relationship gradually deepened. Travel forward 30 years and DH is sadly dead but DSD and I are very close, she's one of my heirs and I'm now a step granny twice over.

My advice is to work to make a relationship with the child. I have a richer life because of my DSD and my sons have a beloved older sister. My love for his DD brought DH and I even closer together. Love is everything in this life.

What a lovely person you are. I would be the same. If you really love your partner I feel you would love his children too

Cherrysoup · 16/09/2025 20:14

If mum is dumping their child when it’s meant to be 50/50, should she not be paying maintenance to dad?

The original arrangement has changed so pp saying the OP shouldn’t have married her dh is not really fair.

PondLurking · 16/09/2025 20:14

Some of these commentors are incredibly delusional. There is a significant (and legal) difference between being the bio parent, and being the stepparent.

Not to mention the complications of expecting someone who really has no background in childcare (that we know of) to just... take over? She's not a stranger but holy hell, that's a massive expectation simply because she's a woman who married a man with a child! This, coming from the same people who wouldn't trust their own siblings or in-laws to provide adequate, informed childcare for their own kids! Laughable.

3456DDF · 16/09/2025 20:13

SoOriginal · 16/09/2025 20:05

She should have been clear! If you intent to marry someone but don’t expect to be a family, then you need to be upfront about that.

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She He should have been clear. If you intend to marry someone but don't expect to be a family, and then leave your son with your new wife and f off to work, then you he should be upfront about it.

Corrected it for you.

Moonnstars · 16/09/2025 20:12

Sorry you knew he had a child yet still married him. What if something did happen to the child's mum, if she is citing mental health issues what if she did harm herself? What if she chose to cut contact completely, leaving the child's dad to care for them all the time?
There is even the possibility that illness could affect anyone at anytime.
If you were that against being around and helping raise his son then you should have walked away before things got serious.

Festivespirit85 · 16/09/2025 20:11

InterIgnis · 16/09/2025 18:13

She said in the first post she wasn’t expected to provide childcare before she married, and he’s now trying to dump it on her as if it’s something she must accept. This isn’t what she signed up for at all, and it isn’t something she has to accept.

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Exactly this! Folk berating the OP when the issue is the mother who picks and chooses when to parent, and the the father since being married has suddenly decided to work more on his contact days, so another picking and choosing when to parent!

InterIgnis · 16/09/2025 20:11

SoOriginal · 16/09/2025 20:05

She should have been clear! If you intent to marry someone but don’t expect to be a family, then you need to be upfront about that.

Show quote history

Being a family =\ taking on responsibility for his child.

Why do you think she wasn’t clear? He’s the one that pulled the bait and switch, not her. He knows full well she wasn’t (and isn’t) responsible for his child, and led her to believe he didn’t expect her to be.

JimmyGiraffe · 16/09/2025 20:08

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 16/09/2025 18:12

Then you can also announce it’s too difficult for you. If his own mother gets out of it, then you certainly can.

The issue is for his parents to sort.

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THIS - with bells on

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/09/2025 20:07

SoOriginal · 16/09/2025 20:05

She should have been clear! If you intent to marry someone but don’t expect to be a family, then you need to be upfront about that.

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No, it was on him to be clear.

SoOriginal · 16/09/2025 20:05

InterIgnis · 16/09/2025 19:48

That’s not how that works. His son wasn’t and isn’t her son.

He should have been clear he expected her to assume responsibilities for his son, but instead he led her to believe her didn’t, and is now trying to unilaterally dump his responsibility onto her. I’d be telling him to go fuck himself.

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She should have been clear! If you intent to marry someone but don’t expect to be a family, then you need to be upfront about that.

JimmyGiraffe · 16/09/2025 20:03

namechangedcusillbeflamed · 16/09/2025 18:00

i just think that the arrangement needs to change and/or DH work schedule so he doesn’t work on his contact days? He’s here to see his dad, not me!

Totally agree, I never see the point in access by proxy. Only on Planet Stepchild do you visit someone who’s not home ….

3456DDF · 16/09/2025 20:02

Outside9 · 16/09/2025 20:00

YABU.

Don't marry someone with kids if you have no interest in bearing childcare responsibilities tbh.

Where does she say she has "no interest in bearing childcare responsibilities"?

I must have missed that gem

Onthemaintrunkline · 16/09/2025 20:01

It’s this little boy I feel most for. How long before he realises he’s being pushed from pillar to post, Mum, Dad, Grandma and now Dads new wife, wondering who really wants me. It’s not about the adults here, it’s about a little boy who I daresay didn’t have any say about the position he’s in.

Londontown12 · 16/09/2025 20:01

He isn’t your child u don’t have any parental duties your husband is using you ! He has not discussed this just expected it that is rude !
put your foot down and say No

DearHorse · 16/09/2025 20:01

YANBU. Even if you were the child's actual mum, it would still be unreasonable for the dad to just unilaterally decide he is going to be doing weekend shifts, without checking with you. Exactly because you are a family now, he should be discussing these things with you, and not just decide on his own that you are going to watch his child.

MayaPinion · 16/09/2025 20:01

I wonder if he picked up those extra shifts to get out of parenting.

3456DDF · 16/09/2025 20:01

IOweMySanityToBasilParsley · 16/09/2025 19:57

Why do the child's actual parents get to opt out, but the stepmother doesn't? 🤔

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Because us parents are allowed the choice and can abdicate our responsibilities to the other parent, step-mothers apparently have to accept the rubbish thrown at them.

Outside9 · 16/09/2025 20:00

YABU.

Don't marry someone with kids if you have no interest in bearing childcare responsibilities tbh.

Gymnopedie · 16/09/2025 19:59

DH also didn’t do extra weekend shifts until recently.

I wonder why that is?

Let me think...

Got it!

OP you need to be very busy at weekends. Whilst you knew he had a child this is NOT what you signed up for. Being part of the boy's family, yes. Being default parent while the actual parents swan off, no.

Foodylicious · 16/09/2025 19:59

I dont know that you are entirely unreasonable, but think you have been naive not to realise that his sons primary home is with his Dad, and he stays at mums a few nights a week most weeks.

I do think DH should discuss with you re picking up extra shifts, but if he is doing this to financially support you as well as his children, I'm not sure what else he can do to bring more money in.

I think you need a proper sit down chat/family meeting on a night when dss isn't there.

I think it was naive of you to not consider yourself as part of dss family with some parental responsibility given he lives there most of the time.

Roosch · 16/09/2025 19:59

maudelovesharold · 16/09/2025 19:55

Sorry to be blunt, op, but you really should have factored this possibility in before you married a man who has 50/50 custody of his 5 yr old son. You couldn’t seriously have expected not to play a major part in caring for him, could you? Surely when you marry someone with young children, you accept that they’re going to be part of your life together, don’t you? I think anyone in your situation needs to be prepared to take on parental responsibilities if circumstances dictate. What would you do if, for some reason, the child had to come and live with you full-time for a while?

She is free to leave and have nothing to do with this child.

The child’s 2 parents are responsible for him.

Roosch · 16/09/2025 19:58

BananaPeels · 16/09/2025 18:22

i get where you are coming from but once you are married and live together you are official the step mother and I would argue there are responsibilities that come with that as you are expected to slip into a ‘mother’ type role. It isn’t the full role, obviously, but I’d expect that you would look after them child if your husband isn’t there with all the relevant tasks associated until the father gets back. You are the de facto parent in that time.

if you weren’t up for it, I’m not sure you should have got involved with them as they come as a team.

Edited

No, she’s not the child’s mother or responsible for the child in any way.

OP can do anything she wants on her weekends.

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