To not “babysit” my stepchild?

He doesn’t accept shifts that impact his ability to parent his child. He’s being very unreasonable and you need boundaries now otherwise you will be expected to do all the work but when it comes to major decisions etc you will be told you aren’t his mum so it’s not up to you. Do not accept this.

DH is using you as a child minder while he builds up his savings and avoids spending time with his own son.

lol what did you think would happen? You married a man with a child. When you got married, you signed up to taking on his child too. To say you don’t think it’s your responsibility is ridiculous. You are supposed to be a family unit.

But the actual MOTHER of the child sees having him on the weekend as a burden.

It is fair to assume that marrying someone with a child doesn't make you de facto parent when the dc's two actual parents dissolve themselves of responsibility. Only on MN would OP be considered to be the one at fault here.

OP if the DM can't take the dc on her days it is on to her to arrange alternative child care. If your DH has contact then he needs to be at home. If you are all at home then you treat it as family time and spend time with the dc too.

In your shoes I'd divorce because this will not improve. You will forever be the bad guy for not wanting to be responsible for their child, while everyone around you feels it is fair and in fact right that they (the actual parents) shouldn't have to be responsible for their child because they are busy/need a break etc. I bet you do all the domestic chores too.

I would think the penny should have dropped with his ex not always being present in stepson’s life. Straight away you would know that there’s potential for you both to be covering a lot of the parenting. If there comes a day when he’s living with you f/t, then you’d have to work as a team. That’s what marriage is about. You can’t just pick the bits that you like, as your dh came with baggage which is obviously going to overlap into your life too.

Just say there was never a discussion about you taking on more childcare responsibilities after getting married , you are not happy with the current situation and you would like to reach a compromise.
You could agree to do two evenings a week but your dh needs to arrange childcare or alter his shifts the rest of the time.

He shouldnt EXPECT anything. The child is his responsibility. He needs to ask you if you are prepared to look after his kid so he can take on extra shifts at the weekend. He also needs to check what you are happy to do on the week days. You are not the NANNY WITH A FANNY.

Oh my goodness that poor little boy. His own mother doesn’t want to look after him on the weekends? She can’t spend much time with him in the week if he’s at school?

That's great. But did you absolve yourself of all parenting responsibilities and expect him to do it all, or were you a proper parent alongside him?

'Cos the first is what seems to be happening here.

There's a reason why men very quickly shack up with a new woman just after they've fathered a child to someone else. You are one of many, many women chosen by these feckless fathers to do the "women's work" for them and raise their offspring, whilst they very conveniently pick up extra work shifts during their 'parenting' time.

I do think you are unreasonable to not think you'd be parenting this child when you married a man with a young child who had 50% contact, but he is also unreasonable to now dump his child on you whilst he fucks off to work on the days he should be parenting his own child, and not so much as discussing this with you.

You, I'm afraid, are the mug he chose. Now you need to decide if this is what you want from life. If not, you need to discuss it with him and make clear your boundaries. If there is no improvement or he continues to expect you to mother his child, then you have to decide if you wish to remain in this marriage. Bear in mind, if you have a child with him, and he leaves you for the next woman, that next random woman will be raising your child on his contact time.

Step parent here and biological mum. I would not be the de facto parent for my step child and nor would I expect my DH to be step parent to mine. My DH has 50:50 and arranges his work to be there for his children. I do likewise. We help each other out, have family days out and discuss things but it’s never been assumed I’d become a nanny and I never would. Nor did I expect him to be a parent. And I know lots of other step parents and this is mostly the case unless the other parent is totally off the scene.
I think you need to gently raise with your DH that as much as love him and child you are not a parent and need to move back to something closer to your previous role of step parent - ie he needs to parent his own child!

OP doesn’t have to step up because her DH’s feels she needs weekends to herself. You don’t get this luxury as a parent.

Surely they shouldn’t have the child every weekend? Why does the ex’s well-being trump everyone else’s?

Because being a stepparent doesn’t mean that in reality for many stepparents, and OP was conned into believing it wouldn’t mean that for her.

The mummy martyrdom is strong on this thread! OP of course you aren't responsible for looking after his child on weekend so he can work. He needs to arrange his shifts around his childcare responsibilities. Doing the odd pick up or couple of hours here and there is fine but you're not the parent and it's not your responsibility.

Hence "if".

I feel horribly sorry for this boy, sounds like neither parent can be bothered and fobs them off onto whoever is around. Sadly OP, you're enabling your DH to be this man.

Hopefully now he's shown you what sort of parent he is, you'll be making sure you're using contraception.

No. The person who brings a child to a relationship has to be upfront if they are looking for their partner to become another parental figure. You can be a blended family but if you’re looking for your new partner to be childcare, you need to be upfront - you’re the one in need of the favour and extra help.

Getting married doesn’t fundamentally change anything when it comes to stepchildren. The parent still has to organise childcare, including asking others to help. A gf doesn’t pick up any extra responsibility just because they get married.

Fair enough, she can leave and divorce him, but why did she marry him in the first place? If you marry a man who is actively involved in his 5 yr old child’s life, I would say that implies a willingness to be involved too. Unless you are too dense to realise that if you marry a parent you become a step-parent, and that, realistically, means looking after your step-children some of the time. You can’t expect to have a child-free life if you marry someone with children.

He’s taking the piss.

The weekend shifts are the problem, why has he started it all of a sudden?. tell him to knock it off!.

I guess the question is how much do you need the money from the extra shifts? I also agree that I would be annoyed if DH unilaterally made this decision without any stepchildren being involved.

However I would frame it as DSS needing to know that he is DH’s priority. Which is true.

This is really tough on you

I agree this can sometimes be the case. However, my husband met me, fell in love with me, accepted that I came with a child, invested loads of time and energy building a strong and loving relationship with her (despite not having wanted children prior), and is now a million times more her dad than her actual dad ever was. She adores him, they have a strong as a rock relationship, he willingly spends hours/days with her when I can’t, and their relationship has totally transformed her confidence and faith in men. It can work - with the right people and chemistry.

Say no to the weekend shifts for sure, it's not your responsibility, and it's a choice.
But I can't really understand how you got to that stage without it being discussed, it's quite unusual. It does feel like your husband relied on his mum to care for his son, and then just transferred that charge on you... It's a massive red flag in your relationship.