To not “babysit” my stepchild?

I wouldn’t tell him to cancel his new hobby, I’d say ‘how lovely dear, who will be babysitting your son?’

Why should he get a hobby on a Saturday rather than parenting the child HE CHOSE TO HAVE.

Yet on the thread about the low birthrate childfree by choice women like me are told WE are the selfish ones. Rampant misogyny

What is your Saturday-hoarding husband like, OP? How does he work out how to balance people's needs?

My partner likes being a 'rescuer' because he takes for granted that I'm very capable. He pegs other people as being vulnerable/in need/tragic victims and rushes to the rescue, leaving me to carry things at home.

I've had to explain repeatedly that I'm very tired and that if he keeps helping only those in a crisis, seeking them out, I will end up having a crisis of my own. Not intentionally, but because up until that point, my needs are just not breaking through.

Or, he may just be a piss-taker.

This!

Edited to remove duplicate post.

Tell him that you have already got plans on Saturday so he will need to cancel his new hobby.

He is a cheeky fucker. How dare he just decide that he has weekends free to either work or do a new hobby because you are now the default child care for his child.

And don't let him guilt trip you by saying that he thought you loved his son so he thought that you would love looking after him. Tell him that you didn't expect to become a single parent to somebody else's child.

Id be threatning this bone idle pair with Social Services if this were me

Hobby on a Saturday? He's a cheeky bastard. Tell him to get to fuck.

You're already doing more than your fair share, please don't let him guilt you into doing even more.

Will she be handing over some of the Child Benefit to reflect that

What have you said to your H about this new hobby lark?

I hope by now you have made it VERY clear to him that you are unavailable to do his parenting for him and his ex

DH has now appeared home and said that he will be taking up a new hobby next Saturday. He is taking the absolute piss. I am happy to (step)parent with him but not FOR him.

Absolute fucker. You are being used @namechangedcusillbeflamed Can i ask how old you and your H both are

It’s not inevitable that it happens at all. Not if the parent respects their partner’s boundaries, and the partner holds firm to their boundaries, anyway.

Despite the popular refrain, this is explicitly not what she signed up for.

What was "always going to happen"?

The parents abdicating all care for their child to the step mother in the
guise of "mental health issues" and wanting to work more?

Are you another parent who needs weekends off for wellbeing

Have you read where OP looks after her step child every weekend because the child’s mum apparently “can’t cope with the weekends” and DH is working. So every single weekend she looks after child whilst the mum is out swanning around and DH is taking on shifts at work?

You got involved with someone who already had a child, so it was always going to happen, shocked you are finding it so hard, maybe get some parenting lessons so you are more able to cope with life.

As I've said, she needs to talk to her dh about it. It won't just resolve itself. And if finances are an issue, then they both need to come to the conversation with some ideas about how to make it work.

Did you ask him why you should be doing a full parenting shift and about the inference that there would be more occasions it would be expected? Yes, you married a man with a child. However, that child has two parents already and are the responsibility of those people and those people alone. Anyway you help out is a bonus, not an obligation. Both parents need to step up and figure it out between themselves.

Does anyone know the name of the mental illness that only manifests itself on weekends but not weekdays

Look, OP shouldn’t be looking after DSD every weekend whilst her DH works or his ex is out having her freedom. End of

There are a few dynamics going on here, really, and nobody comes out of it well.

A 50/50 custody arrangement is not just 'seeing his parent' (whichever one). It's essentially creating two homes for that child, in which they feel equally 'at home' and part of the family. Anything else is 'just visiting'.

Op is not babysitting him in the sense I thought it might be (dh going out on the piss with his mates). He's taking on extra work - presumably to contribute enough to pay the bills on the home they share as a married couple/ family. Only op knows whether this extra money is needed, or whether her dh is doing it to dodge his parenting responsibilities.

When you marry someone, you do so knowing that the relationship, and your responsibilities within that relationship, will evolve over time. You accept that your chosen partner comes with a child with whom you will both be spending half of your total time (creating a home for). Inevitably, there will be times when the step parent assumes a parenting role, given the amount of time the child is spending in their second family. This acceptance of evolving responsibilities is generally assumed and doesn’t generally require being spelled out prior to marriage.

In this scenario it seems like op views each person involved as a separate unit (the Venn diagram is a good analogy) which is clearly at odds with her dh's view. Maybe it's because the marriage is still very new, though, and it takes time and effort to compromise and work as a partnership - or family - rather than just separate entities who share a house.

Op's dh is, however, the child's parent. He also has another parent (accepting that there are clearly mental health issues that impact on the mother's ability to parent). In this situation, primary responsibility falls to his father to step up and fill the gaps being left. If op gets no time at all to herself then that needs addressing, because it's not fair. However, if there's a shortage of money, then op may instead need to herself take on more work in order to pay the bills and stop feeling like she's being dumped with all the childcare for a child that isn't hers.

Ultimately though, while all the adults in the boy's life squabble about who is (or isn't) taking care of him, he'll never feel like he has a home, or a family. And it's this conversation that op needs to have with her dh. They're doing irreparable damage.

My 26yo dsd still enters the house without knocking, has a key to let herself in (even though she now has a life - and a home - of her own), and goes shopping/ out for a coffee with me. She also has an amazing relationship with her younger brother and sister. Because our expectations, responsibilities and commitments in life have evolved with 20+ years of marriage.

No one’s pointed out that DH is also happy for his ex to have her weekends to herself and get out of parenting but apparently would rather upset OP and be nasty if she says she doesn’t want to do it

I think two evenings are more than generous to have dss by yourself.
Dh def should not be picking up overtime with out checking with you that your ok to have dss

THIS ^

OP who is not the child’s parent is looking after 5 year old on her weekends whilst the dad is taking on extra shifts and the mum apparently “can’t cope”. Both are unreasonable and taking advantage of OP in my opinion.

I am very much a “you married a dad with a young kid, you’re family now” person but I’m sorry this takes the mick. OP is doing 50-50 with her DH. Taking on the bed time shifts and doing school drop and pick ups.

OP has gone from enjoying her weekends to babysitting someone else’s child whilst the mum is out having fun or having freedom and her husband is taking on shifts that he clearly is unable to do because he should be with his child.

DH should never of agreed to letting his ex off the weekends, he is working and unable to parent.

Both are taking the p out of OP