To not “babysit” my stepchild?

RTFT He is now taking up a hobby on a Saturday Hoist by your own petard

OP - listen to @MySweetMaggie.

Marriage does not have to mean self-sacrifice. Life is short. These should be the years when you are thriving and exploring, and earning well so that you can provide for your own retirement.

If he is working extra shifts because you've been hit by unexpected costs as a household, that's one thing. If it's for a more impressive car or stag dos, some reflection might be useful.

Your DH and son come as a packet. I can't believe you both didn't discuss the set up before getting married!
You are his step MOTHER. I honestly don't know what you expected. Poor child. Hope ne never finds out he was considered a nuisance at times.
Of course his father has major caring role but he isn't out having fun while you are looking after his son. He is working.
I suppose you could insist on a nanny or baby sitter but that would be expensive.

I’ve only read op’s posts and agree that this isn’t you signed up for. You had 18 months ‘trial period’ before marrying dh, whereby you looked after stepchild when needed, but wasn’t the de facto parent. Now that has gradually changed, and Dh taking up a new hobby at the weekend is a p-s-take.

I agree, serious conversations need to be had, and boundaries put in place.

If you're 29 and your husband is happy to act like this, get out while you can. You've still got time to have children with someone who will be a good parent and husband. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but those of us who have been there, can only warn you. I feel so bad for his little boy that his parents are so ridiculous. You seem really caring and a good person.

Sounds like he thinks he has you trapped now. Him taking up a hobby when the child is there is absolutely a piss take. Time to have your own plans on a Saturday- make sure you’re not in.
although tbh this relationship is doomed as your husband is showing you a total lack of respect and if this is after only 3 years, god help you after 5, 8, 10, etc.

His child, his responsibility. My children's step mother has really clear boundaries. She always made it very clear they weren't her children and my ex had to do everything for them. They all get along well and the kids really like her. There's no resentment from her towards them because she made it clear from the start. Looking after young children can be relentless and your husband might be taking extra shifts deliberately to avoid childcare.

Im afraid you're being used. Sounds like you're doing more childcare than either of his parents.

He's a shit husband and a shit Dad. Id probably leave. What is your financial/housing set up?

You're young. Move on whilst you still can.

The kid has two parents.

She married her husband- to have an adult relationship with HIM.

You need to nip this in the bud now as far DH is concerned. Have a proper conversation telling him that DSS, lovely as he is, is DH's prime responsibility, not yours, and that you will not be available this Saturday, or any other, to babysit while DH goes off to do his new hobby, or extra shifts. Then make sure you are not there.
If he persists, you'd want to think twice about having your own DC with this man, as he's showing you what you can expect.

I think you hit the nail on the head OP when you said that you’re happy to parent WITH him not FOR him.
I stepped up with My DSS many years ago but my DH would never have expected me to carry the load.

I think it's time to go away for a few weekends "with friends". I would also schedule jogging/gym trips for when your DH is apparently having his new hobby.

He's turning you into default "parent" for a child who isn't yours.

So @namechangedcusillbeflamed can you answer the question of what you said when he announced that with the few hours left to see his son and you, he is now going to do a hobby?

Weird how both the kids mum AND dad are now unable to have him at the weekend ... are you sure they aren't back together and using you for free childcare while they are at it?

You absolutely should not be taking on the bulk of this. I'm not sure what's going on with the mum but his dad should be re organising his schedule to account for this sudden change in contact. It feels like this has all worked out too easy for him. You're a free nanny!!!
Time for a very firm chat. You will be busy at weekends from now on (take up a hobby or just go out) & the evenings don't work for you.
And don't have a baby with him unless you want this all again. He's going to do exactly the same thing if you have one of your own.

This x 100. Please listen OP.

What you are deciding right now is whether you will tolerate your life being made far worse and you being mistreated for years. A lot of women wish they could go back in time and fix what went wrong when they are trapped with children in an inescapable tug of war over children with selfish men.

This is your moment to stop things from going wrong for you.

Stop babysitting his child. Right now. You're not a mother, you're not a parent and you did NOT agree to this. Only you can stop him from using you and making your life a whole lot shittier, and only you can allow it. If he objects to you not doing his job, you now know who and what he is.

Wife means a woman in a marital relationship. How exactly a woman ‘performs’ that role when it comes to a stepchild/stepchildren is down to the individual in question. As a married couple they will certainly have shared responsibilities that require them to act as a team, but his son isn’t one of them. That you chose to assume responsibility for your stepchild is your choice and your problem, and doesn’t oblige anyone else to do the same.

I missed your question. No, I’m not. I dealt with many stepparents in my professional life as they went through the process of jettisoning spouses like OP’s DH.

God love you OP.
You have been no doubt targeted by him as a soft touch.
How quickly did he bail on his ex and child if the child is 5, you are married since January and with him 3 years?
He was gone when tjzt child was tiny, but quickly found a soft touch to do free childcare.

You need to realise that women with self esteem and self respect do not tolerate being treated like free childcare for men and their Ex.

They must be thrilled with themselves having caught you for all this.
She won't have her child and he works/hobbies and the foolish new wife gets caught for childcare.

Unbelievable.
I presume you are realising that this loser is not ever going to be dad material.
I hope so.

So what happens God forbid if one of @namechangedcusillbeflamed own relatives happens to fall ill just on the cusp of a weekend How do we think he would react.

Wife is supposed to be analogous with supportive and team player. As is husband.

I notice you didn’t answer my question.

It’s not being a servant being an active participant in your own home and sharing all of the load.

I have plenty of aspirations, and absolutely no requirement for judgemental comments.

This situation should have been discussed before you got married. Dss isn't your responsibility but as a married couple you in this together. You dh sounds like a thoughtless man re his comments...

Oh do you know the mental illness that only manifests itself on Saturdays and Sundays then. Because some of us have tried to find out what it is but been unsuccessful so far. So please do tell.

What would happen if you told DH that you were going away for the weekend with your friends .that it couldn't be changed and he have to sort out babysitting for his ds

It doesn’t matter what he was doing on Saturday. If he wants to work or take on a hobby then it’s on him to source childcare that isn’t OP.

So what that she’s his wife? ’Wife’ is not analogous with ‘childcare provider’, and he didn’t even care to ask her.