Page 6 | To be absolutely raging at DS17 after shoplifting today?

Original poster

Cathn0 · 16/09/2025 19:28

Right, quick update after sitting him down for a proper talk (well, me ranting and him grunting tbh).

Couple of people asked so just to clear things up:

His dad passed away 5 years ago, sudden heart attack, so it’s just me and the kids now. I do sometimes wonder if DS acts out because he didn’t get those later teenage years with his dad around.
He does not have a job yet, though I’ve been pushing him to at least get a Saturday thing at the Co-op or wherever. He just says he wants to “concentrate on football” 🙄.
College wise, he’s starting at the local one this week doing a catering course (which is why it’s extra annoying he won’t even cook a bloody pasta bake at home).
He turns 18 in December so not long till he’s officially an adult. That thought terrifies me.
And yes, it’s my house that my mum is living in. She had a fall last year and moved in “for a bit” and has basically never left. Don’t get me wrong, I love her, but she’s not making this any easier.

Anyway, the talk. He admitted it was stupid but kept saying it was just a laugh and they all did it. I told him straight he could’ve ruined his future over a cheap pair of earbuds. I’ve taken the Xbox lead for now and told him no nights out this week. He’s sulking but he didn’t argue too much which I’m taking as a small win.

I’m still raging inside but I’ve tried to be calm on the outside, because shouting just makes him switch off. I’ve told him if it happens again I’ll happily let the police deal with him. That seemed to shut him up for once.

I feel wrung out but also a tiny bit lighter for getting it off my chest on here. Thanks again for all the replies, they’ve really helped me keep some perspective.

OP posts:

ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 16/09/2025 19:27

Like your son, briefly hung out in a, 'bad crowd,' and although it wasn't shoplifting, we were taking the price tags off and replacing with other price tags (very very long time ago!).

My other friends ran off, but security asked me to stay back and I did. My dad was called and he came to pick me up.

The punishment - he said absolutely nothing

Occasionally there were little passive/aggressive comments like if we were shopping and he said, 'oh you may want to just steal it...' but no talks, no lectures about letting the side down, or comments that I was led into it by the others.

Sundaymorningcalla · 16/09/2025 19:24

The fact that you try to justify it by saying 'not even a pair of air pods' says it all...

Shortdaysalready · 16/09/2025 19:07

Bambamhoohoo · 16/09/2025 18:54

Presumably it was in response to your post about consequences and implications.

of which, realistically, there are none.

Show quote history

Well of course there are consequences.

If OP's son really has no sense of right and wrong then his stealing and law breaking won't stop at stealing cheap gadgets from shops. It will escalate into stealing more and more valuable items and perhaps be an entry into other forms of crime. Especially if he has done this because of the influence of the friends he is mixing with. Because in that case he is easily led. And could end up doing goodness knows what to fit in with his crowd.
And the theft is part of the epidemic of shoplifting that is blighting the lives of retail workers. Shoplifting can cause small businesses to be no longer viable and to fold. And also contributes to price rises.

Bambamhoohoo · 16/09/2025 18:54

Shortdaysalready · 16/09/2025 18:51

Stopgo quoted my post in which I said I didn't understand the number of posters saying that all OP's son had done was have a " daft" moment. I assumed her post saying the theft didn't " count" because it was less than £1000 was her explanation of why she didn't see the theft as having any meaning.
Are you saying you think her post meant something different? If so then please explain.

Show quote history

Presumably it was in response to your post about consequences and implications.

of which, realistically, there are none.

Shortdaysalready · 16/09/2025 18:51

Bambamhoohoo · 16/09/2025 18:45

How does

no police force will touch theft under £1k

equate to

@StopGo says it’s ok to steal something under £1k

did you not understand what she meant?

Show quote history

Stopgo quoted my post in which I said I didn't understand the number of posters saying that all OP's son had done was have a " daft" moment. I assumed her post saying the theft didn't " count" because it was less than £1000 was her explanation of why she didn't see the theft as having any meaning.
Are you saying you think her post meant something different? If so then please explain.

Netcurtainnelly · 16/09/2025 18:51

Cathn0 · 16/09/2025 14:43

Hi all, first time posting and I’m honestly shaking with anger and embarrassment right now.

Just had the call no mum wants. DS17 was caught shoplifting in town with a group of his so called mates. Security stopped them and rang me to come collect him. I thought they were joking at first. He was stood there like butter wouldn’t melt and apparently he’d shoved a pair of wireless earbuds down his jacket. Not even decent AirPods 🙄

When I asked him what on earth he was thinking he just shrugged and said everyone else was doing it and it was a laugh. A laugh! I could’ve died on the spot from shame. The security guard was actually really decent with me but made it clear if it happens again the police will be called.

I feel like the worst mum ever. I work hard, I’ve tried to bring him up right and now this. I know he’s not perfect, he’s been hanging round with a rougher crowd lately, but I never thought I’d be the parent of a shoplifter. My mum is living with us as well and of course she’s giving me grief about how this is all my fault. I just want to crawl under a rock.

So… AIBU to be raging at him and ready to come down hard? Do I ground him? Take his phone? March him down to the police station myself? Or is this just one of those teenage daft moments that I need to let him learn from?

I genuinely don’t know what’s fair and what’s over the top. Any advice very welcome

Not your fault, they make their own choices.

Ask him how he'd like it if he ever had a business and people stole from him, might make him think?

2dogsandabudgie · 16/09/2025 18:45

Friendlygingercat · 16/09/2025 14:58

What a pity you cant allow him to get arrested and spend the night in jail. That would probably concentrate his mind wonderfully on the possible consequences of shoplifting.

Yes sometimes a short sharp shock is what's needed. A year or so ago I was in Sainsbury's and a teenage girl aged about 13/14 had been stopped by security for stealing make up. Have no idea if she'd done it before, but she was at the front of the store by the tills and was crying. Security had no sympathy for her and she had to phone a parent to come to the shop so that she could be interviewed by the police. She was in school uniform as it was after school and there were other children in there from different schools. Hopefully this awful experience will make her think twice before stealing again.

I do know my local Sainsbury's take shoplifting seriously. I have been in there another time when they caught a shoplifter and told them they were now banned from any Sainsbury's store

Bambamhoohoo · 16/09/2025 18:45

Shortdaysalready · 16/09/2025 18:31

So are you saying you think if you steal something that's worth less than £1000 it's ok then?

So OP's son can go and pinch some old ladies handbag or some child's bike and so long as it doesn't involve anything worth a £1000 that's not wrong?

I don't know what your moral code is like in general but in mine stealing is stealing is stealing . And it is wrong.

Edited

Show quote history

How does

no police force will touch theft under £1k

equate to

@StopGo says it’s ok to steal something under £1k

did you not understand what she meant?

Newbutoldfather · 16/09/2025 18:37

@Bambamhoohoo,

‘It is useful if you are the one in control of the “punishment” yes. Pulling up posters when none of you are is harder to understand’

That’s kind of how this whole site works. Different people offer and discuss advice.

The OP can do what she will with it.

Shortdaysalready · 16/09/2025 18:31

StopGo · 16/09/2025 18:26

Since no police force/service will touch a left below £1k

Show quote history

So are you saying you think if you steal something that's worth less than £1000 it's ok then?

So OP's son can go and pinch some old ladies handbag or some child's bike and so long as it doesn't involve anything worth a £1000 that's not wrong?

I don't know what your moral code is like in general but in mine stealing is stealing is stealing . And it is wrong.

OhMyGiddyAnt · 16/09/2025 18:30

17 is way too old to blame this on being a teenage daft moment. It’s not your fault though. I’d be mad with him but at 17 it’s difficult to know what you should do about it.

Megifer · 16/09/2025 18:27

Bambamhoohoo · 16/09/2025 18:27

How is that relevant to the discussion?

we are talking about the legality of withdrawing a job offer due to a criminal record. What you’re saying doesn’t seem to relate to that at all.

Show quote history

Thank you I was starting to wonder if id missed loads of posts!

Megifer · 16/09/2025 18:27

m00rfarm · 16/09/2025 18:25

Perhaps I was not clear enough. The vetting agency followed up several times to get contact information for relatives of the applicant. THey were not allowing themselves to be brushed off with "I don't have the contact details any more".

Show quote history

Who's said anything about brushing off vetting officers with "not having details anymore"?

Bambamhoohoo · 16/09/2025 18:27

m00rfarm · 16/09/2025 18:25

Perhaps I was not clear enough. The vetting agency followed up several times to get contact information for relatives of the applicant. THey were not allowing themselves to be brushed off with "I don't have the contact details any more".

Show quote history

How is that relevant to the discussion?

we are talking about the legality of withdrawing a job offer due to a criminal record. What you’re saying doesn’t seem to relate to that at all.

IrritableBowelCraps · 16/09/2025 18:26

Cathn0 · 16/09/2025 14:43

Hi all, first time posting and I’m honestly shaking with anger and embarrassment right now.

Just had the call no mum wants. DS17 was caught shoplifting in town with a group of his so called mates. Security stopped them and rang me to come collect him. I thought they were joking at first. He was stood there like butter wouldn’t melt and apparently he’d shoved a pair of wireless earbuds down his jacket. Not even decent AirPods 🙄

When I asked him what on earth he was thinking he just shrugged and said everyone else was doing it and it was a laugh. A laugh! I could’ve died on the spot from shame. The security guard was actually really decent with me but made it clear if it happens again the police will be called.

I feel like the worst mum ever. I work hard, I’ve tried to bring him up right and now this. I know he’s not perfect, he’s been hanging round with a rougher crowd lately, but I never thought I’d be the parent of a shoplifter. My mum is living with us as well and of course she’s giving me grief about how this is all my fault. I just want to crawl under a rock.

So… AIBU to be raging at him and ready to come down hard? Do I ground him? Take his phone? March him down to the police station myself? Or is this just one of those teenage daft moments that I need to let him learn from?

I genuinely don’t know what’s fair and what’s over the top. Any advice very welcome

It's a silly teenage moment the police will think you're being ott. I knicked makeup from Superdrug as a teen and my friend stole sunglasses. We had pocket money but thought we were being cool after watching edgy movies about rebellious teens and bought a pack of fans from the local corner shop and smoked them all in a day. Teen brains are still growing. It well probably sink in better if you dont lash out at him, just sit him down and say what he did wasn't right and maybe take his phone away for a bit they hate that even though it does them good

StopGo · 16/09/2025 18:26

Shortdaysalready · 16/09/2025 15:33

I'm amazed at the number of posters dismissing this as just a " daft moment"
Since when was stealing just " daft"?
I wonder what they have taught their own children about right and wrong? Not a lot by the sound of it.

Absolutely he should have some form of punishment.

And also OP.should be having a good discussion with him.about right and wrong and the consequences of dishonesty. And the impact of it : shop lifting isn't a victimless crime

Since no police force/service will touch a left below £1k

m00rfarm · 16/09/2025 18:25

Bambamhoohoo · 16/09/2025 18:23

But this isn’t the same as withdrawing a job offer for a criminal record or family members criminal record? It’s hard to follow your point. Asking for more information doesn’t mean anything apart from… they want more information?

Show quote history

Perhaps I was not clear enough. The vetting agency followed up several times to get contact information for relatives of the applicant. THey were not allowing themselves to be brushed off with "I don't have the contact details any more".

Megifer · 16/09/2025 18:25

m00rfarm · 16/09/2025 18:21

I was involved in a police vetting a year or so back, and they returned several times to ask the job applicant for more details relating to address and other contact details.

Show quote history

Ok cool!

Bambamhoohoo · 16/09/2025 18:23

m00rfarm · 16/09/2025 18:21

I was involved in a police vetting a year or so back, and they returned several times to ask the job applicant for more details relating to address and other contact details.

Show quote history

But this isn’t the same as withdrawing a job offer for a criminal record or family members criminal record? It’s hard to follow your point. Asking for more information doesn’t mean anything apart from… they want more information?

m00rfarm · 16/09/2025 18:21

Megifer · 16/09/2025 18:20

And if youve been involved in high level security clearance you'll be aware that the vetting officer will already know what the details are 😉

Show quote history

I was involved in a police vetting a year or so back, and they returned several times to ask the job applicant for more details relating to address and other contact details.

Springtimehere · 16/09/2025 18:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 16/09/2025 18:21

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/09/2025 15:38

If you really want to punish him - Lock him in a room with your mum and no wifi or phone for a few hours.

there are limits, you know! cruel and unusual punishment is not allowed.

Megifer · 16/09/2025 18:20

m00rfarm · 16/09/2025 18:12

If they are not relevant, then why are they done? Of course they are relevant. And when full contact details are not supplied, the job applicant is followed up until they ARE supplied.

Show quote history

And if youve been involved in high level security clearance you'll be aware that the vetting officer will already know what the details are 😉

Bambamhoohoo · 16/09/2025 18:20

Newbutoldfather · 16/09/2025 18:17

@Bambamhoohoo ,

‘I agree with you on language mattering. But I’m wondering why you have found it so outrageously offensive that some posters (who are strangers) have used the word daft when you feel the word criminal is more applicable and what you think the impact on the overall situation- for another stranger- is. It feels like an unhelpful contribution tbh.’

I’m struggling to understand what you are getting at here. We are all strangers engaged in a conversation with other strangers.

Why does ‘daft’ vs ‘criminal’ matter? Because that description will make people decide what the consequence should be.

If my son did something ‘daft’ like forgetting his PE kit, I would say ‘that was daft’, accept whatever sanction the school gave and leave it there.

If my son did something criminal like shoplifting or punching someone, regardless of what consequence he got from the police or school, there would also be a serious consequence from me, making him realise the gravity of what he had done and making sure he didn’t do it again.

So ‘daft’ vs ‘criminal’ is a very important distinction to make and I feel is helpful.

It is useful if you are the one in control of the “punishment” yes. Pulling up posters when none of you are is harder to understand