To be absolutely raging at DS17 after shoplifting today?

He doesn’t sound very remorseful does he so I’d be reading the riot act . No phone no iPad and grounded .

Daft?

It’s not daft, it’s criminal! And the police definitely would care if informed.

I can’t believe how blasé people are about this and it illustrates why people have so little respect for authority figures now.

If one of my sons did this, I would be mortified and they would not only be grounded but saving up to make a donation of whatever they had attempted to steal to a victim of crime charity.

YANBU to be furious and to impose a punishment of some sort. He's been a complete fool.

However, to reassure you - while it was a stupid thing to do and obviously not acceptable, it doesn't really mean that he's about to be a career criminal and ruin his life. Much like being brought home from the park drunk on cider or getting caught bunking off school one afternoon, it's something a huge number of teens have done or will do at some point. Appreciate that doesn't make it OK but at the same time, it's not unusual teen behaviour, so try not to worry too much.

Very upsetting.
Tell your mother to put a sock in it or you will help her pack.
I wouldn't be lectured to by someone I was housing.
As for your son, lay it on thick how disappointed you are in his behaviour and how a conviction could be very limiting for his future.

My friends lovely naive daughter got caught after a dare. My friend was devastated.
She was so upset that the security guard was comforting her. Her upset really upset her daughter and really helped the penny drop.

Lay it on thick how upset you are.

He sure as hell wouldn't be on any x box here.

Trouble is he’s acting like it’s nothing, like I’m making a big deal out of nothing, and that winds me up even more.

If that’s how he’s come away from the situation he certainly wouldn’t be sat playing Xbox at my house!! Has he had any proper consequences? It’s more worrying that he thinks it’s nothing!

I was shopping in Sainsburys with my son when he was 7 or 8 (he's 21 now). He asked for some chewing gum and I said no. I finished the shopping, paid and was unloading into the car when I noticed that my son was being a bit shifty. He had his hand in his pocket so I asked him what he had, after a couple of times of me asking, he produced the chewing gum. I was mortified that he'd stolen it.

So, I marched him back into the store and asked at the customer service desk for the manager to come down. I then told him what my son had done, expecting him to give him the serious chat about how it was wrong etc. He was an absolute bastard to both myself and my son. It ended up with me throwing the chewing gum back at him and walking out of the store.

My son never stole again and I've not shopped in Sainsburys since!

I'd change the wifi password so no Xbox for a start.

When is he 18? I would be telling him if he ends up with a criminal record, you want let him live under your roof.

As I said, he’s behaved like an idiot, so treat him like one.

My thought too, he seems to be totally blasé and unapologetic.

Yup - all of this. While it’s true that it’s “daft teenage behaviour” in one sense, it could seriously damage his immediate adult life. As an employer, I wouldn’t want someone who did something that stupid a dishonest at an age where they are actually basically an adult.

also - hate to say it - but unlikely this is the first time. Does he have anything else that you wouldn’t have thought he has the money to buy?

Please don't beat yourself up about it. Your mum is very wrong & you have nothing to feel guilty about. Shoplifters come from all types of backgrounds. Sounds like him & his mates were just egging each other on. Most of my dd's (16) friends steal. Her best friend recently got caught stealing a £30 top & is now banned from the whole shopping centre. She's from a loving, stable background.

I once stole some chocolate from a shop, was caught, they rang my mum to come & collect me. But the difference with me was that the look of disappointment my mum gave me was enough to make me feel so ashamed I never stole anything ever again. It's a shame that your ds isn't at all sorry or ashamed

I wouldn’t inflict any form of punishments. I would say, if you do this again you may end up with a criminal record. I would highlight they are responsible for the choices in their life now and leave it at that.

You can’t make people make good choices, they’ll only hide bad ones better regardless of what punishments are. If they are set on making them

I’d go down the ‘disappointment’ line rather than anger. Just quiet disappointment. No one likes that.

I'd be more concerned over him thinking it is no big deal than the shop lifting itself.

Shoplifting is not daft teenage behaviour. It's theft. It's what junkies do to feed their habit.

He needs to understand what a criminal record would do to his future and have some sort of remorse for his actions.

At 17 he is probably too old to ground, but I'd certainly make him pay back to the community. e.g. if the thing he stole was worth £40, then he should spent say 4 hours doing some sort of community service, like a shift in the food bank, or at a refugee centre or similar.

Does he have a job?

I presume they involved her because he is still a child at 17, even though he really should know better at that age.

At 17 it's very odd. My son did this when he was 12 (sweets) and was crying like a baby when I came to pick him up. The owner of the shop had given him a donut and a fizzy drink while waiting for me because he felt so sorry for him. Apparantly he hadn't even tried to hide it, he had just grabbed some sweets and walking out holding them infront of him😅. He's Asd and very naïve and went with friends who all got away because they had hidden the sweets obviously 🙄. Anyway, He's 15 and he's never done it again. He is so embarrassed that he has never been back to that shop again.

Somehow I don't think your ds did this for the first time at 17. Go through his room to see if there are things there he might have stolen. I think pp had a good suggestion on him reading up on statistics for first time offenders and their future.

Tell your mum that you're a good parent and a bloody nice daughter putting up with her antics. Show her where the door is if she keeps putting you down.

Oh ffs. He's 17 not 7.

It's bit late for take his phone and Xbox for a week to learn consequences.

Take his Xbox for 2 weeks. If he’s stupid enough to shoplift, then he can be treated like a child and lose his privileges.

It’s his attitude that would annoy me more. If he was genuinely apologetic or embarrassed, I might be more inclined to be lenient.

To be honest i think it’s a bit silly to threaten presentations about criminal records and arrest. We all know that he won’t get any police involvement for this incident and there is only a thread of a connection, which is that you think he’ll now become a career criminal.

but also it’s like- should you only worry about doing something illegal because: police? Is that really what we want our children to be worried about? I’d be hoping for something a bit more emotionally mature at that age.

The ship has sailed on punishment and consequences now. He's 17 so mere months from being a legal adult. If he hasnt learnt right from wrong by now it's too late for a punishment from mummy to make him realise.

Just tell him if he does jt again you wont collect him and the police can.

I think getting him to research the consequences of having a record is a very good idea.

You want to insert a chink of doubt in to his cocky self confidence that it was nothing, focusing on how weak it is to be easily led by others. Tell him how disappointed you are in him.

I’d also be getting him to look at the effect on prices of retailers having to accommodate shop-lifting and apologising to the shop manager if appropriate. However embarrassing for him.

Op why is he playing on his x-box now? He has to earn that back for a start. If he complains about you taking it away; just reply that it isn’t nice having things taken is it?

I very much agree with others that at seventeen you shouldn’t be involved in this sort of hands on parenting , but op’s son just behaved like a fourteen year old, and you are still funding him, so punishments apply according to that age and until he demonstrates that he can behave maturely, learn right from wrong and not behave like a sheep.

Tell your mum very directly and calmly that you feel bad enough as it is without her criticism and you could do with some parental solidarity right now. If she is not able to offer that, could she kindly bow out?

You sound like a great mum op! Your instincts are right about this. Be confident in yourself and your parenting decisions and have the courage of your convictions and follow through.

If your ds protests just say “I love you too much to let you get away with this without learning from it” .

Hopefully this is one of those stupid teenage mistakes that he’ll learn from. I wonder if he got caught up with his friends doing it and thought “well if they’re doing it I will too”. But definitely a need here for consequences and a firm talk. I’d be asking things like does he know how lucky he is to have what he has? How would he feel if someone came and stole from him?

Though I never did anything as stupid as a teen, one of the times I messed up was when I went and got stupid drunk at a friends party on my mums birthday, came home, said stupid drunken things, threw up lots and ruined her big birthday plans. We laugh now because it seems like nothing and my parents admit that they were aware of my peers doing much more outrageous things, but at the time given I was such a good kid it was received as though I’d killed someone by my parents. I initially shrugged it off at the time but what made me think more deeply about it was seeing my mum visibly upset, over hearing her talking to my dad about how disappointed she was that I’d done this on her birthday and not spared a thought for her, and how she had brought me up to have more respect for other people’s feelings. That was worse than any telling off, I felt genuinely ashamed that the woman who’d tried so hard to raise me right felt upset at herself for my pathetic judgement.

Just made me wonder if you could channel some of that. Let him know how upset you are, don’t hide any crying or difficult conversations with your mum, he needs to know how much this has shocked and upset you, not least because of how you think it reflects on you.

i find many of the replies lenient and rather strange.
Mine would have to endure a long long lecture. The friendship group paired back and even them lectured if I laid eyes on them.
Everyone suffers from the higher costs of shoplifting.
You OP are strong and indeed it’s an overall parenting issue. Lack of morals and values.

I think a hell of a lot of teenagers will shoplift, even well behaved ones.
I was such a good child, so well behaved and I stole a tamagotchi from asda and got caught. It was the third time I did it.

Not my finest moment but when you're young you do all kinds of things. I thought I was cool and told people in my class who were all like aw get me too so I did.

I never did it again after getting caught.

He's a minor - they have to either contact a parent / guardian or let the police deal with it and they will contact parents/guardian.

OP, I don't think he's been daft - he's been a criminal. Odd how everyone rants about the cost of shoplifting, but he's just daft. So at what age do we stop calling it daft and move it to being theft. It isn't a victimless crime and it costs us all.

That said I get why you are angry, but it probably isn't going to make any difference now. I also liked the idea of simply showing him what a criminal record will do to his future. And having done that I would tell him straight that the next phone call you get, you won't be coming to get him and the police can have him.If that doesn't dissuade him from thieving than nothing you do will, and he must sink or swim for himself. Sometimes people only learn through experience.