Private school grief

I'm Scottish, and so did 'O' grades, 'H' grades and CSYS. Only 'H' grades remain. After university, applying for jobs, I remember application forms asked about 'S' levels. This mystified us. What were they? Thanks.

Nope not just one school (they went to different schools anyway!) - there's actually been a lot of research done on the topic (primarily around boarding schools tbf - I'm sure that not all day students experience trauma to that level). Google Nick Duffell and you will see what I'm talking about.

Congrats on the remark implying I'm stupid btw - hope you're super proud of yourself for being snide to a stranger on the Internet!

How do you know? Have you attended got inside knowledge of every private school in the UK? Bollocks.

I don't understand this post at all. If you can afford it and want to send your child to a private school, then just go for it. Are you keeping yourself small so your husband stays comfortable? He should have married somene else if he cannot accept your success, grit and ambition. Private is a world apart and why deny your child this chance FOR THE WRONG REASONS?

This is great advice and is absolutely true.

So you are taking 1 school, presumably 20+ years ago, and extrapolating that across all 2500 independent schools?
You realise 1 school doesn't = ALL schools?
It's like me saying all state schools are shit cos the 1 closest to us is. I wouldn't say that cos I'm not that stupid.

Just go state grammar?

In my opinion you’re not / my parents as first generation immigrants did this for me with a lot of sacrifices - albeit in the 90s / 00s… I’ve done well and always assumed I would do the same - now I have no idea as the costs have really spiralled up and despite a high household income… it doesn’t feel doable and I feel sad about that - it’s okay for you to feel that way too

@CallMeMessy
Over everything else, too much privilege.

Can you define too much privilege? You’ve said on this thread you can afford private school so why are you less privileged than those who opt for private education?

You 'buy' the private school effect by putting your child in a toxic and judgemental environment where they have to build a shield of confidence around themselves so that the other children don't have anything to bully them for.

My husband and his brother are currently going through a lot of counselling to try and get over the trauma that private school caused for them (this was boarding school but it won't be much different as a day student)

State education is often better than private anyway

You're just spouting bollocks now
"private schools encourage neither grit nor determination, in my experience. Too much handholding, too much kowtowing to parents who demand ‘results’"

So kids in independent schools never go through mental health issues/ill health/lose a parent or suffer anything to give them 'grit'?
How about the kids who mix state and independent schools? Do they have grit in the state school but then lose it when they move to independent? What happens if they move back to state, do they develop that grit again?

Jog on.

‘As a self made person from a very underprivileged background, it took so much grit and determination to get to where I am right now financially and I find it slightly challenging not to aim for the best for my child’

private schools encourage neither grit nor determination, in my experience. Too much handholding, too much kowtowing to parents who demand ‘results’
Over everything else, too much privilege …
Your kids will be fine with motivated parents, and quite frankly the money you have for extra curriculars…

I think it is about the right school for the right child always.

Both have pluses and minuses, aside from the actual cost of private.

These debates always turn unpleasant though, with snobbery and superiority on one side and resentment and jealousy on the other.

I am really pleased my older son went to a comprehensive though I, like you OP, assumed private was better, but my ex wife had no interest, and he wasn’t cognitively ready to sit entrance exams to the best privates in any event.

He achieved a fantastic set of GCSE grades (maybe he would have got a few more 9s and a few less 8s at a private, but he did it substantially independently, developing a fantastic work ethic in the process and I am convinced will get better A levels because of it), he got into a very competitive grammar which I only learnt he was applying for at one of his parents’ evenings, and he gets on with everyone from what he calls ‘road men’ to scholars at one of the very upmarket local private schools.

My younger son is also doing great at the same comprehensive but his needs are different and, though I am convinced that he will do fine at GCSE s, he has some needs which I feel might be better met doing his A levels at a private school, but we shall see.

The one thing these threads do all have in common though are parents interested in their children’s education, which is a massive win in itself. You would be amazed how many parents just aren’t that invested (at private too; they feel that they have done their bit when the bank transfer goes through).

I also agree with this. And would also add that there will be a lot of independent primaries closing over the next few years as people choose to spend only on secondary. I recently advised a close friend to send her children to the state primary after she was told that the reception year for the independent school her DD was registered at only had 5 children in. A school with very low reception intake is unlikely to stay open for long.

But OP, if you are looking for a reception aged child, then you don’t need to stress about your decision. It isn’t set in stone and you can change it whenever you like. It is very common for kids to start in state and move to independent for year 3 or year 7 or year 9. These are very normal entry dates for independent schools.

Totally agree with this. The whole of year 6 at a selective private in a nearby town recently sat the 11+ for state grammar. Prior to the VAT on school fees the majority of them would have stayed on to year 8 and sat the ISEB in year 8 for and elite private.

@Movingonfeelssad - honestly, the parental mix is broad. There are kids on full bursaries who live on estates and kids with oligarch dads who live in mansions. Most families fall somewhere between the two - and the point is, no-one is particularly thinking about what other people's financial situations are...

What I would say is that I think, within a decade at most, you will probably see the make-up of private schools change. They will probably become less selective because less families are able to afford them. The very clever kids of doctors, criminal lawyers, journalists etc are becoming priced out of private already and going for grammars instead - I've seen this in my time having kids at private school. This in turn will impact the overall results at the independent schools and could influence where the great teachers want to be...so I would just think carefully if this is the start of the journey.

My DH retired on 200k, he went to a completely bog standard comprehensive.

My children go to 2 of the top independent schools in the country. One went from an independent prep school, the other from a lovely state primary school. Both were tutored to pass the entrance tests (although I probably wasted money on tutoring as they likely would have passed anyway).

Our schools aren’t filled with rich parents. Yes there are a few in each class, but most are just normal, hard working people with 2 incomes. A lot have grandparents paying the fees, a lot are on bursaries and scholarships. Many are international families. It’s a completely mixed bag. But no one is comparing their wealth. No one looks down on anyone. And everyone moans about the cost of the trips, the annual fee increase, the cost of the uniforms, the addition of VAT. I don’t think anyone is laissez-faire with the cost of a private education.

Just go to the school, see if you like it, speak to the boys/girls and make your mind up. The kids aren't a different species. The 'elite' schools have a cohort of students on anything up to 100% fee discount so there will be all wealth brackets.

This made me laugh. I was at football with another parent who was going through the whole should I send my kid to private school angst. She told me at length how it was a difficult choice as you know everyone at private school is either a stuck up twat or a gangster. She didn't want him thinking he wasn't good enough or getting into organised crime 😂
Honest to god, the things people come out with. Had she actually bothered to go round the local private school she'd have realised she already knew half the parents from football and not found them either stuck up or shady.

And if he wants to feel he must ‘compete’ with the other parents then he should just get on and do what he needs to do that.

The reality is the fees sets the bar. Once you are at a school like that it’s a family.

Just do it and tell your husband to stop allowing his fragile ego to get in the way of your children’s education, wellbeing and future.