Haven’t rtft but have read all OP posts. Don’t really know where to start with this the thinking appears so confused…
If you want to give your child the right school and best opportunities for them, you will need to look at all kids of schools to determine what that is. You don’t say how old your child is, but this is not a ‘one and done’ decision - there are entry points to private at various times and you can always see how you get on, and indeed move in either direction depending on circumstances.
I don’t feel it is helpful to look at education as a purely input/output situation (the ‘value add’) you keep speaking of. You don’t know what that might look like for your child, so ant this point if is partly unknowable and, as you have identified, much is intangible. Some of it is also just that a lot of the children you’ve met at these schools experience privilege in many areas of their lives, it is not just because they are at private school.
There seems to be an aspiration about the “elite” and a comparison that other privates are just like state with fees. To some extent this might be true but be careful not to confuse traits that can quickly become arrogance/entitlement with an excellent education. You don’t say where you are but eg. there are top London day schools which I would say are educationally superior to places like eton/harrow in terms of producing well-rounded pupils. Also, if your son is not yet at school you have no idea of the weight the state system in many areas is currently dealing with and the impact of long term chronic underfunding not just in education but also in health etc. CAHMS waitlists here are 40 months at the moment and this impacts children, families and schools. What you perceive as “just like state school” may in fact be “just like you’d like state school to be - but it often can’t be that right now”.
More importantly than any of this is that the ‘grief’ you feel doesn’t appear to be about education per se - as someone who has built their own success I imagine you would be able to navigate a change of school at 7/11/13/16. I suggest it is far more about the route feeling closed off entirely due to your husband’s attitude. And this is something I think you’re struggling with and using ‘value add’ to avoid confronting it. First, what a prejudiced attitude he has to assume all parents at private schools are arrogant, entitled, snobbish etc etc. I mean, pick your school (and some doubtless will be) but is that what you find at work? Are all your successful colleagues (those you seek to admire in terms of confidence etc) this way? If anyone suggested all parents at state schools were any particular way they would/should be savaged. As a parent it is part of your job not to let your insecurities impact your children’s attitudes and opportunities. Is your child not to play at a someone’s house because it is bigger than yours? Or go somewhere with them because they have a fancier car?
Your husband’s fears are understandable, but he needs to deal with them himself. He will meet people he doesn’t like in all kinds of places - as well as those he does. If he feels emasculated by your success perhaps he should have considered that a while ago… I daresay there are other elements of your success he quite enjoys?!
importantly, you don’t have to allow his feelings on this to rule ywhat should be joint decisions in your child’s interests. That doesn’t mean it has to be a hill to die on either. But it is this which I would raise and monitor, with a view to agreeing a compromise (eg. that you will keep things under review and both be open to a change of tack). Being in a relationship where you don’t feel able to really see things from each others’ perspectives, or where you feel your child’s interests aren’t fundamental is indeed very upsetting and a loss.
As a cautionary tale… I know someone who went to a comp. After leaving, and initially going off to a low rung uni which he did not enjoy, he decided to apply to Oxford off his own bat. He got in and saved his acceptance letter to share with his parents on Christmas Day. His dad’s response? “Oh you’re all fancy now are you, and don’t want anything to do with the likes of us?”
That was over 30 years ago and his dad hasn’t seen his granddaughter in 8 years (not just because of that, but it sets the tone…)
Sorry this is so long, but can I suggest your husband needs to work on himself and try not to let his hang-ups disadvantage his child both in general terms and on this issue in particular? He’s not much of a man if he can’t see that this is his problem - not yours and certainly not his child’s. Don’t make it yours - you shouldn’t feel you just cave wholesale to his feelings.