Private school grief

Support all their interests. Let them try out sports and instruments. Unless you are comfortably affording public school it seems that there is a huge gap in experiences at the secondary level between those who are just clinging on and the super wealthy.

If it is just about your husband's pain over your income tell him to put the interests of your child first.

Mine too, state all the way and a First from Oxford.

Realised you've posted exactly my point just above!

In my experience it mostly opens (more) doors for people already from privileged backgrounds.

I don’t think it opens more doors really unless you already move in upper class circles. Some relatives of mine have gone and it hasn’t made them any richer or happier in the medium to long term. It just gave them a complex about not being good enough!

Many don't "manage" though hence huge and rising numbers of school refusers and home education

Sorry, I do not understand why, if you can afford it, you won't send your DC private.

What "pain" will it cause your husband?

Skip private school. Bin the husband.

While private school doesn't sound like it would necessarily be a good investment in your case, as there are good state schools locally that would be fine for your DS, I'd be damned if I was prevented from doing something I thought was in my DC's best interests by my husband's ego. If he has an ideological opposition to private education, that's different and in your case I would respect that so long as there was a good state school for my child to attend.

Boohoo, the other 95% of the population manage in state school, what makes your kid so special?

his created so much pain in my husband
what kind of parent put their ego before what's best for their own child?

That said, can you really afford it, or just about/ if you easily can, go for it.
If it will be a bit tight, once you add holidays, trips, and all the extra, just use the money to enchance your child's life.

Get him private tutors if he needs, travel, finance all the hobbies and clubs

Private schools (the good ones..) are much better because they give a better education, support and encourage the kids better, don't let them settle but push to reach their maximum potential. You make better connections, have more interesting friends.

But it's still a school, you can get a lot of the above by yourself if you make the effort, with the right clubs, living in the right neighbourhood.

Private school is causing your husband pain? In what way?

Deep seated beliefs in state education for all or having a problem that a successful female is the one funding it?

I'd be very wary of both issues. If it's the first one - Beliefs so intense that they prevent others making free choices are not good. What happens if you would like private medical treatment in the future?

If it's the second one and he resents your successful financial position. Well he can just jog on or grow up can't he.

Provide for your son in the best way you see fit.

Sorry I'm not sure what your issue is?

I wouldn’t waste money on private school.
several of my friends have. My child is the one who went to a below average state school and is now at Oxford.

If the state school is good, I don’t see the problem? He will be able to do very well. My DD is in private because our catchment school is a requires improvement school with a reputation for knife crime! If it was decent I’d be utterly delighted not to be paying an arm and a leg and would be able to treat her to holidays and all sorts of other opportunities and experiences which we currently can’t afford on top of paying for her school.

That said, I’m not sure why your husband comes into it?

If you can afford I don't understand why you wouldn't do it for your sons precious education. I am not one to say private school is the best thing I have ever done I hated every minute of it and put full blame on it for my poor self-esteem and later depression but then I also know that had I not gone to that school I would not have got the GCSE grades that I got. I know a lot of teachers some state and some private school, there a few great teachers at state school but they become disillusioned by disruptive children who have no interest in learning, so they don't have the energy (or in some cases the inclination) to put in the extra work with those who want to learn but need extra assistance, the amount of evening i stayed late at school with my maths teacher because she was prepared to drag me by any means possible to a C. May be your son is not like that but don't take from him the opportunity to fly.

From your own description it sounds like you want to send your kid to public school but have decided not to because it bruises your husband’s ego.

It doesn’t sound like this decision sits well with you. But I wouldn’t blame society forcing you to hide your success. What you are dissatisfied with is a decision you and your husband have made together.

Grief? what you on about OP this makes no sense?

I’m confused. Your DH is ideologically opposed to private schools and it would pain him to send his child to one? Or, he is not happy that you earn good money that can afford this and doesn’t want your child to go, to try and hide the fact from others that you earn good money? Can you clarify which scenario this is. If it’s the first, I get it, if it’s the second, that is really messed up.

It’s not a one-time-only decision. Surely the best approach is to enrol DS in the good state primary now and then agree that both of you remain open minded about whether it’s the right decision. If he thrives and does well you may come to agree that it was; if you’re unhappy with his progress or the environment of DS struggles, then DH has to be willing to consider other options. You can revisit again when it comes to secondary and when DS’s abilities and strengths / weaknesses are clearer.

Private school isn't all that. Especially in primary. My child is doing better out of it. 65k down the drain. It left her 18 months behind and with anxiety.
Look again at secondary or college and make a decision then. If your kids are young budget for 25k to 40k per year in secondary to account for rising fees and vat.

YANBU to be disappointed but YABVU to describe it as grief. You can’t afford it, tough shit, same as over 90% of the population.

This makes no sense and is also ridiculous. Your child will be fine or not, regardless of schooling. Some children thrive in private; others do not. Most are fine wherever they go, especially if they have a loving, supportive home. That being said, if you earn enough to go private and want to pay for that yourself, why the hell is your husband's 'pain' an issue? (My DH and I disagree on private schooling on political grounds. I think it is a social evil and would never send my kid's private. DH thinks you do what you can for your own kids, it would help them overall in life and so F* the social consequences for other people. However, as we don't earn enough to send children to private school, it's an academic argument. I mention this because if it is political rather than pain, that's a different thing, and a larger conversation about the values you want to instill in your family and live by.

And for me the advantage of private is a safe, calm educational environment. This allows my child to get good grades while developing into a happy, well rounded individual. Private do ‘happy, well rounded’ really well. Future career is less of a concern for us.

To be honest, if you have decent state schools you are far better off using your money to top up with tutoring (if required) and sports/ hobby/ music clubs. A lot of private school demand is due to dire state secondary school provision (poor GCSE choices/ lack of teachers/ poor teaching and learning outcomes/ poor student behavior).

As for the old myth of doors opening up and networks - this is only really the case if you are sending your child to somewhere like Eton. Those students at Eton already have those networks (they were born with them) because their parents have siblings/ friends already in very high places. It's very easy to find work experience when someone in your family owns / is a major share holder/ is willing to make a large donation/ is best mates with the owner/ is a friend of a friend of the owner to a business.

Unless you are very wealthy and the fees don’t affect your lifestyle the way I see it is that the luckiest of people have an excellent state offering. If you don’t have an excellent state offering but can just about afford private then that’s a good second option. Then there’s those who have to make do with a poor state offering. I have a child in private due to a dire (supposedly outstanding!) state offering. If your state offering is good, think yourself immensely privileged.