Private school grief

Does it make you feel better if I say I went to a top university but I’ve had pretty much no ‘career’ 🙃🫠🤣

Your DC is not missing out.

This is a valid point and you've raised issues I hadn't considered. My secondary school was also awful. But, I still think: nothing changes if nothing changes. We are letting down the poorest in society by enabling a two tier system to exist.

Well it isn't going to happen. All that's happening currently is that independent schools are becoming more elite and more pressure on overstretched state schools especially with SEND children.

Banning independent schools does nothing to improve state.

The point is a concerned parent wants to do her best for her child, and is posting here for advice.

The clue is in the title of the site: 'Mumsnet'.

Agree.

Ninety three percent go to state schools and are just fine. Save the money for your children. Invest it wisely and one day they'll be grateful.

Apologies I meant a regular state school. I’m from elsewhere originally and still slip up using ‘public’ to mean non-fee-paying schools

OP if you’re paying for private school for career reasons, think again. No one knows what the world of work is going to look like in the next five years let alone beyond - and I include the master of the semi elite school one of my DC attends. Both of mine are at private but only because they are both thriving with all the activities they are doing. I have zero expectations of what jobs they will go into. I have always reasoned that if they fell under a bus, they’ve had a nice school life up until now. I would add we are in a relatively deprived area with dire secondary choices. I also do not see moving house into a ‘good’ catchment as any more ethical than paying for private school directly. Indeed it’s worse. I wouldn’t hesitate to switch schools or sectors if it doesn’t work out and nor should you, if money is not the real issue.

If your child is supported at home by parents who value education the chances are that they will thrive at this state school especially if as you say the school is good. You can use all the money you have saved by not going private to go on lovely holidays which will expand their horizons, you can pay for hobbies, music lessons, sports tutiton, whatever they are into You could also be glad that they will be mixing with kids from all walks of life rather than being in the bubble of private education. This will help prepare them for the world of work because they will meet and be expected to get along with people from many different backgrounds. So chin up and cheer up!

Like I said, it's an imperfect system. Most things are. Clearly you can't ban people buying houses in particular areas and so on. But I stand by my view that a two-tier education system should not exist. It is a start.

If you can easily afford it you should do it. No question.

I'm the parent of an SEN child and I don't necessarily feel differently. However, and it's a big however. We have an extremely good secondary school right on our doorstep. All that will happen if we abolish private and grammar schools is that property prices in catchment areas for those schools will go through the roof, and parents will still invest in private tuition which won't achieve the objective of levelling the playing field. No matter what we do, we are not going to eliminate the problem of 'tiering'.

As for parents who have children in the struggling schools, I had a friend survive 5 years' teaching in one of those places where some people barely make a day. They are brutal. If most parents - at least those who value education - had a child in such a place, they'd be pulling out all the stops to find better opportunities for them in whatever way possible.

My secondary school was hell on earth and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Thankfully I went to a wonderful middle school until the age of 13, so at least only had to suffer three years of it. But at 13 to 16, that felt like an eternity.

I've lost faith in successive central governments to improve the mess they've made of the education sector over decades. The whole sector is also far too much of a political, ideological football - professionals can barely keep up with the changes from government to government - and the national curriculum IMO is unfit for purpose.

I'd suggest that the whole thing needs devolving to LEA level but that alone will simply bring more problems: not least of which, in terms of investment, is that a north-south divide absolutely does exist.

Public = elite independent schools eg Eton.

As a former teacher who worked in both private and public school, I can tell you first hand, there is absolutely no difference whatsoever in regards to teaching. The children will be taught by the exact same teachers. In some schools I even found the teaching in public to be better than private in some ways.

This is one of those OPs where they manage to piss off, just about everyone of all opinions, for some reason. Isn't it?

Then you also have to ban tutoring, buying houses in catchments of best state schools and make sure that all state schools are at the same standard as the top London ones. Because those things also create 2 tier systems. Actually more so than independent schools.

Instead of dragging everything down by banning things, why not pull up ALL state schools?

I haven't a clue what you are moaning about and what on earth do you have to hide? It sounds as though you are doing fine.

Most people choose private education because their local schools are not up to scratch. You say yours is good so no problem. If your child had got into the private school, there's no guarantee that he would have done well. Plenty of kids drop out of school, any school.

You've done well for yourself, congratulations. Please enjoy it and stop worrying about something you cannot have because you do have quite a lot more than many. Chill and have some fun.

@Movingonfeelssad - if your son goes to a state school, you can still do things to help him, to support his education, and to provide activities that extend his learning and growth - your income will mean you can do more in this way than many people.

Both my sister and I went to a state school, and she ended up going to Oxford. I became a registered general nurse, then went to university and got a degree in music and politics. All three of my sons went to state school, all three have good degrees and good jobs. An intelligent, well supported child will do fine.

What on earth are you talking about?

What is the point of this post??

"And if it’s true, your child might even me more likely to achieve their chosen uni place as uni’s try to balance from state vs private sector - if your child is heading for uni that is."

Indeed - my niece went to a school that whilst she was there went into 'special measures'. She achieved very good GCSE results but moved herself to another school for 6th form. Because the school she attended to GCSE was in SM, she got a lower offer from her RG universities than their standard offer. She easily achieved the 'standard grades' offer, mind.

Assuming this is about secondary education. A good state school - a happy place with, yes, decent results but also a good ethos - is worth a lot. As someone said, you can top it up with trips, tutoring etc if absolutely necessary. Then you won't be stressed if something happens that makes it less easy to pay fees which are going to keep increasing by more than inflation. As someone says, the connections thing isn't really relevant for schools outside the so-called top top tier. Most universities won't care and neither will employers, indeed many take action to increase enrolment from state school children.

You have a good state school, be happy.

As for the husband thing, dunno.

Oops, forgot to type a few words. I meant to say I am sure they would have done equally well if they'd gone to the local state school.

Private education isn't necessarily the best thing: it depends on the child. What benefits do you believe a private school would bring that a good state school wouldn't? Your OP tends to suggest you believe this would open certain doors, which I'm interpreting to mean in terms of networking and contacts (correct me if I've got that wrong).

In which case, anecdotal experience (as a university lecturer) tells me that it likely won't. If you're not in those circles already, attenting really exclusive schools like Eton, Cheltenham or Marlborough, then attending public school isn't a golden key to buying your way in. (DH's cousin had a child at Eton. I can assure you it isn't always what it's cracked up to be - they've had all manner of problems with him).

We've opted for other ways to maximise our DC's educational benefits (just started secondary this year), and decided the local state school was the best choice. DC has dyspraxia (sensory processing disorder) and dyslexia, and is possibly autistic (assessment for that is coming up this term, which we are having to do privately owing to huge waiting lists). We've chosen to invest our money in the right diagnoses, our LEA being woefully underfunded, and specialised tuition targeted to help his individual needs. He attends weekly dyslexia classes and physical classes with a local Occupational Health clinic to help his balance and coordination.

Dyslexia was only diagnosed toward the end of Year 5 and he's been having these classes since Year 6. He received the highest possible score in SATS for reading and comprehension, plus 'greater depth' in SPAG and Maths - and was barely scraping 3-10 in his spelling before the tuition started. For a kid with SEN, which we've only known about for a year, I was blown away, not to mention very proud. He's now in the top sets for English and Maths (and I do believe very much in streaming as the most effective method). I also don't believe my bookish DC would thrive in the sort of sporty environment often embraced by the private sector.

Just an alternative viewpoint if that helps you, of educational decisions made very carefully and taking into account all our child's individual needs. We are also a self-made couple, and I do totally understand your desire to do the best you can for your child.

I think we should abolish private (and actually grammar) schools, have a standardised system of education and focus on improving that. I understand that parents of SEN children might feel differently (which I understand - it is difficult), but a two-tier education system is wildly unfair. I know some schools are better than others and catchment areas are problematic. It's an imperfect system. And I say that as someone who attended an awful comp.