Private school grief

People pick private schools for a host of reasons. I went to a terrible state school. Expected my children to go to average state schools. DC1 struggled at state primary as he was constantly trying physically attacked by a child who had severe behavioural problems and aged 5 he couldn’t cope. Back and forth to school. Nothing done. Moved to private where discovered DC1 extremely academic and now on academic scholarship to a superb private secondary. Felt if did for one child should do for other. DC2 struggled at school and wondered if worth it. Diagnosed in year 7 as severely dyslexic. Moved to a more suitable private school and DC2 is thriving. It’s all about right school for child. Most people don’t get any real choice as it’s done on distance. Private buys you choice. I would keep an open mind depending how your child is doing. I would not let my DH’s ego play any part in educational decisions. It’s not a relevant factor. And on MN as in real life there’s lots of independent school bashing by people who know nothing about them. Having an “admin job” after a fee paid education is only relevant if you equate education to jobs. I have been amazed to see the sporting, academic, musical, drama opportunities available. Great behaviour. World class facilities and a true love for learning and getting the best out of the whole child not. Education can never be taken away from you. It’s not just about your job. I went to a terrible school and am a lawyer now. I remain poorly educated- as in have very poor general knowledge, was never able to learn music as not possible at my school, never played sport in a team etc. if judging by job and earnings I’m winning at life. If judge by experience and education then I’m a loser.

One of my old friends parents for a start. Sent her to private in 6th form, she went to Oxford to read Classics.

If you have the money and the where with all to know the difference between your school options you can always revisit the decision.

Why doesn't your husband want the best for his child?

Same here. That summer between primary and secondary must have fundamentally changed their DNA

I grew up in a tatty part of a city, got an academic scholarship into a good private secondary school. DH left the local comp at 16, did an apprenticeship. We work at the same company and he’s a higher grade than me. It’s complicated, it always is, but your school is not automatically a springboard or a barrier. I’d agree private schools can give a better all round experience, but with the £20k+ you will save you can fund that yourselves.

What does your son want? X

What a weird post. It's not really clear what you are asking. Are you saying that you earn enough to send your son to private school but your husband is embarrassed that you earn more than him so doesn't want you to pay for it?

I'm sure your son will do well in the good state school. You did fine without private education so I'm not really sure why you are yearning for it so much.

and you believe that kids mix with everyone even in state school? You believe that kids don't stick with others from the same background, from the same neighborhood, going to the same clubs, invite others on holiday when parents don't mix?

hahaha

Well my children went state primary and private secondary- did they become different people at the age of 11?!

And ironically if all children went to state and some had tutoring and others didn’t- the system would be far more unfair. Private school acts as a filter (whether or not people agree with that) for instance for universities. Take out that filter, how would they know if you had been tutored extensively and had greater advantages than others? My money on that it would dramatically decrease social mobility.

Do you genuinely think that all private school children are of the Earl Spencer ilk and never mix with the other 93% or with families who have very little?

I can assure you that is not the case for my daughter and cousin, both well-rounded children too.

30 kids per class, no budget, recruitment crisis and specialist teachers missing...

I love how posters fall over themselves to pretend that kids do well in "any" school. Just look at the school performance tables 😂

Private school doesn’t guarantee anything for a child. If your local state school is good, send them there and use a fraction of the money you would have spent at private school on extra actives for your child outside of school hours that makes them happy and if needed a tutor for any subjects they need it for.

That's what I'm deducing as well, which would be a bit 👀.

Maybe the OP will clarify.

what is the point of being successful as a professional if I need to hide it all the time?

What exactly is it that you are 'hiding'?

A two-tier school system is ethically indefensible.

Really?!

I think you should read The Making of Them and Earl Spencer's A Very Private School to see what it does to boys. Yes they're about boarding and your child may not board but the ethos is the same.

As for well-rounded? Don't make me laugh. How can a child be well-rounded if they don't mix with 93% of other kids, let alone meet children whose families have very little?

No they haven’t. Your first comment is plain spiteful.

This. 100%.

I could not be with such a fragile controlling ego.

And in a broader sense, personally I think the whole system is unfair (very aware I'm part of the problem yes). I wish our education system was more like it is in Europe and there was equal opportunity for all - but it's difficult to undo centuries of history it seems.

Is sending your child to private school the only measure by which you can determine your success? Because that seems to be what you are suggesting here!

Me too. Good school results, good university but minimum wage jobs.

OP, what is your husband’s issue? I’m not clear.

I think it’s perfectly understandable to want the best for your kids. It’s perfectly acceptable to want more than ‘fine’, especially if you can afford it. It’s why people put choices down for state schools, hoping for the most suitable one for their child. FWIW, I think VAT on school fees is another example of how poorly education is valued by successive governments.

Coming at this from a slightly different perspective. I think it's understandably difficult if the OP is comparing, say, results and facilities of the private school she had in mind over the local state school...and feeling that her kid would 'do better'/be happier in the private school. We all want the best for our kids - that doesn't automatically mean private school of course, and we simply cannot know what lies ahead for them, whichever school they attend. As many have said, the vast majority of children in the UK do attend state school.

OP, if it helps at all - I have/had DC at private school. I'll be honest and say it has been completely brilliant for them in so many ways - they have thrived academically (eldest just going off to Oxford), they have made wonderful friends, they have so many co-curricular opportunities available (my youngest one is very musical and they have amazing orchestras etc etc).

HOWEVER - the money has been crippling. The costs have gone up every year and with VAT it's insane. If I am honest it has affected our marriage as we are so stressed all the time. We have to keep to a very tight budget/frugal lifestyle in order to keep them there - and will be looking at state options for sixth form, when our local options become much better.

I can't say I regret it, because it's been great for them...and bluntly, the state schools we are in catchment for (pre-sixth form) are pretty challenged/don't get great results. But if I was doing this all again, I'd be moving to an area where there are fantastic state/grammar options. Particularly now as the cost is becoming so prohibitively expensive for the vast majority of people - in a few years, bursaries aside, private schools will be exclusively made up of the kids of the uber-wealthy - and this won't benefit the schools in the long run.

If you ban independent schools then you also have to ban private tutors. 25%+ of children are now tutored, surely that's 2 tier?

https://www.thetimes.com/uk/education/article/quarter-of-children-tutored-as-parents-pay-40-an-hour-for-help-2ttsl0ffk