Private school grief

So is your DH against private education and you for it?

How old is your DC?

Could you go state for primary and look at options for secondary?

I honestly think private primary is a waste of money unless your local primary is dire or there is a certain need your child has that is better in a private setting e.g. gifted at music, they need smaller classes etc

Hit a nerve, did I?

Private schools are based on the same premise that money will get a better education, better contacts, better jobs.

That is not true.

They are damaging as has been evidenced in many places including this thread.

Don't pat yourselves on the back for "doing the best" for your child just because you have money when it's just not true and others don't have that option. Far better to stay and improve the school.

In my home town the local secondary modern had a terrible reputation when it became the local comprehensive. It quickly became one of the top 100 schools in the country because wealthier parents got involved and forced up standards.

That's a much better use of time and resources than buying an education and social standing.

Speak for yourself

@Redpeach - bluntly, I'm not sure I've met anyone who is 'so against' private schools who can actually afford it. There are good state schools and bad private schools, of course...and as I said the whole system is an unfair one.

BUT - if your local comp was in special measures and there was a brilliant private school in the same area and money was no object, I don't think many parents would be opting for the former as a matter of principle tbh.

Its not years of private school to become a handyman

Well we’re white middle class with professional jobs and financially very comfortable, one of my daughter’s best friends at school is a hijab-wearing Muslim girl whose family don’t have much money as they work in “unskilled” jobs. I’d say that constitutes mixing with children from very different backgrounds.

It’s usually those with under privileged backgrounds who think private schools are some sort of mythical Valhalla. They are the ones that looked on with envy at other better off kids at school and now want to attempt to elevate what they see as their social standing.

What is the definition of money well spent? A new car? Holiday?

Parental engagement and how much education is valued is a far bigger predictor of outcomes than the type of school. He’ll be grand.

Money well spent.....

im not talking about boarding school which is a whole different kettle of fish.

I speak from bitter experience of my child bearing the brunt of a violent, chaotic state school then sending them to a beautifully calm and pleasant private school. Because kids with nice middle class lives generally don’t throw chairs around the classroom and hospitalise their classmates everyone is far more happy and relaxed and respectful of other students and teachers. That’s the sort of school I want all children to be educated in but sadly where I (Scotland) violent in the state system is soaring.

I kind of feel all the 'ooh Eton was so awful 20 years ago' posts are missing the point.

And there are those who just don't agree with private schools

I have two nephews privately educated at the best schools from 4-18. They’re lovely boys who work hard but they don’t have well paid high flying jobs either. One is a handyman of sorts and the other a salesman.

I do wonder if you understand the true meaning of the word grief

Please don’t base all your views on Eton. I assure you most private schools are not like that and there is often a mix of demographics. Yes some are very rich but there are those on bursaries and most children, in my experience, have parents who are doing bog standard average not set the world alight jobs. I don’t think me being a senior surveyor makes my children elitist and I keep telling my children off for not getting the black book of contacts I was promised. Quite a few of the children there are children of the teachers themselves as they get the discounted fees.

Why do self made people want to send their kids to private, when state worked well for them

Am very tempted to give you an absolute slating for your ridiculousness (“grief”? Really??) However I’ve decided to be nice and give some advice - you’d be much better using your wealth to pay for your child to go through uni so they’re not starting a career with a huge amount of debt.

I didn't mention the OP's husband in my earlier reply because I was just giving my experience. He might indeed be a controlling dick, or he could be uncomfortable with his child going into an environment that he sees as exclusive/negative.

He might be threatened by it - there are so many posts on here where a parent says 'I'm worried private school 'isn't for the likes of us'' even though we can afford it etc etc.' In my experience, that's quite misguided. Yes there's snobbery everywhere but you get cliques in state schools too! It's not like all private school parents are sniffing around what everyone else's background/income is!

I went to private school year 7-11. It was fine but I thought the quality of teaching and opportunities were so much better in my state sixth form for years 12-13.

A muddled opening post then OP disappears 🤔. OP, if you are reading, I sense you won’t send to private because your income outstrips your husband’s and you don’t want to highlight that? You need to own that fact and come back and discuss things if you want a useful exploration of the issues.

They are at least exposed to people with different socioeconomic and political backgrounds in a regular basis.

There is a great book by Musa Okwonga called One of Them that shows the arrogance and racism at Eton where he became a prefect. He talks about how his fellow pupils never saw any of the lifestyle of others different to them. And these people have governed for the whole country.

Private school limits children rather than expand their horizons.

Your language is a bit confusing without explaining what you mean e.g. why is your DH in "pain" and why does that mean you can't send your kid to private school?

I can empathise a little bit. You have worked your socks off to be able to give your child the privileges you couldn’t access and you now could give them all the help you would have loved, but your DH disagrees <for pretty misogynistic reasons> and has vetoed the idea.

I came from a very poor background, but was lucky to be bright - that was my ladder to success. I did send DS to the school that fitted him best … and yes it was private. However, in hindsight the main “success” indicator for his generation (he’s 30 now) is whether their parents help them out financially to buy a property. It will mean they can choose the job they feel will satisfy them most, rather than one that will pay for a home - this is doubly so in the SE and London. Of his peers about 15% are homeowners. The 15% consist of a fairly even split of parents passing on inheritance from grandparents and parents just being very wealthy- with the odd one or two with huge salaries.

if private schooling is out, start putting money aside to buy/help buy a first property post university.

i think in the future, the difference between bank of Mum and Dad kids and struggle alone kids will be wider than private/state educated kids.

So you can afford to do something but you're choosing not to and... you want sympathy for this?