Private school grief

Of course it does however some of the cheapest are in London etc. This is just counteracting the narrative that everyone is paying 250K+ for independent schools.

It depends where you are in the country

Just not true that "anything decent" costs 18K+. There are many, many small independent schools charging around 6K, they tend to be the faith ones eg Jewish/Quaker etc but they do exist. The one near us isn't a religious school.

It is in an incredibly diverse sector.

The cheapest round here (SE) is about £15k/year but that's for shabby facilities and unimpressive academic outcomes

Anything decent and you are looking at £18k as a starting point

And then at the other end some small day schools charge 6K per year which is less than state funding per pupil

If "top end" private prep from Reception and a full boarding school thereafter you could be looking at £180,000 for the prep and £300,000 for the last five years. Add in an expensive nursery and school trips and other incidentals and half a million isn't far off the mark.

Well obviously that depends on what part of the country you're in doesn't it? Anyway, I was questioning the principle of what you and a PP were saying

jesus, how much DOES private school cost these days if saving in fees = an entire house???
anyway, OPs issue isn’t the money, seems they have enough to ship child off to boarding school even, it’s the DH that’s the stumbling block.

OP, it all sounds quite convoluted thinking to me. Firstly, if your DH feels insecure because of what he perceives to be the achievements / careers of other parents, then he doesn't need to have anything to do with them. He needs to get out of his own way on this. Lose the chip on his shoulder.

If you are aiming at top boarding schools for your son, this won't make it easier for him to get into top unis (if he's even academically capable of this, which you don't know yet). If anything these days, attending Eton etc makes it harder to get into Oxbridge etc.

What area are you in? This all sounds unnecessarily dramatic, ti be honest, and a bit odd.

It does, it's just 1 form is acceptable and the other isn't. For that poster + Labour in general

I mean so anti others choosing private school for their kids but fine with them buying a house for them instead. Surely one buys just as much privilege as the other.

I'm interested that people are so anti choosing private school for their kids but absolutely fine with buying them a house instead. Seems odd.

Agreed, though there are obvs plenty of people who can afford the fees, and give their kids £€$ for uni, postgrad, holidays, housing and on and on.

Or maybe, just maybe some people are not being completely honest.

Nah, I think they’re being honest as I’d heard from a couple of sources that there are large gangs of unaccompanied ex private school young adults roaming around the country not only unable to find jobs but too thick to fill in benefits forms or even find the benefits office.

I think it just varies from school to school

DS has never experienced bullying at state school and he's gliding along at the top of top set. I also was similar and never experienced bullying for being clever. But I had lovely bunch of friends so I was lucky. DD is at a private school that has good dyslexia provision and she is also happy

My brother was horribly bullied at private school, and it was a highly respected one. I also experienced bullying at my private school, all the girls were lovely except for one really toxic nasty girl who was mean to everyone. I hated the atmosphere she created,.left and thrived at state school (great friends and straight As).

Exactly that, I have no strong feelings either way about state or private, theres good and bad in both and different schools will suit different children as well. One of my children goes to private school and the other two to state, because different schools were right for them.

But it's hugely naive to just assume that if you pay for schooling you are paying for a a school life that is free from difficulty. I can only assume people who think like that didn't go to private school themselves and are "first generation" wealthy.

There have been some awful, recent , safeguarding scandals involving private schools. Others that are hushed up. And of course bullying can happen in the private school sector too - although it may be less overt and violent and more social exclusion and horrible comments. There are also drug problems in the private sector too -not least because some children have endless access to cash. And my friends who went to private boarding school had hair raising stories about drinking and sexual exploits that were like nothing I encountered at my (admittedly very MC) state school.

There was the child who attacked other children at boarding school while they slept not long ago.

The Winchester College student who closed the entire motorway throwing firebombs off a bridge (and as I googled that story I came across another awful story where a Winchester College teacher admitted to kissing and cuddling a student at school just over a decade ago).

Wherever your child goes to school they could face issues, you can't buy your way out of that. Parenting plays a huge influence in their life too and we can never just complacently assume their school life is safe and easy.

@Allthefruit ds was bullied all the way through state primary school and it was escalating. There were a couple of small incidents when ds first started prep school but they were dealt with immediately and he really bloomed there. They seemed to really get him and encouraged him in his music (he ended up leading the school orchestra), pushed him to find sports he enjoyed (rowing, fives) and he also thrived in the ccf. Dd2 also told me years later that she was bullied at her state primary school because she was clever.

Or maybe, just maybe some people are not being completely honest 🤔

@38thparallel I was talking to an Indian masters student yesterday who has to work to fund her course. She was surprised when I said ds had a job so soon after graduating as she was also working at McDonald's and most of her fellow workers were UK graduates struggling to find a job. We have no 'contacts' so definitely not due to networking!

Maybe it's good that most job applications are judged blind now.
@Manthide

Thats interesting as according to @callmemessy, her graduate programmes only hire state educated applicants.
There’s another poster that pops up from time to time who also will not hire privately educated applicants but as he/she won’t answer any questions as to their company’s hiring policies, I’m not sure if it’s not a fantasy.
The other thing that’s odd given that apparently employers shy away from privately educated employees, is that all my ds’s friends from his fee paying school have got good jobs and as far as I know found work quite quickly after leaving university.
Maybe they are an anomaly.

I agree, @Allthefruit - I was bullied to the point of suicidal thoughts at state school, and dh was bullied at his first private school, but flourished at the second private school his parents moved him to - where he wasn’t bullied.

Looking at academic results, dh and I both have a similar set of O and A level grades, we both have a professional qualification - he’s an engineer and I’m a registered general nurse - and we both have 2:1s. But I am convinced he has succeeded more in life because he didn’t get bullied at the second school, which massively boosted his confidence, whereas my parents left me prey to the bullies until I left secondary school for sixth form college - and it was too late by then - the damage was already done.

But the lesson I take from all this isn’t necessarily that it is private school that makes the difference - I think it’s the ethos of the school, and input from the parents. My dad did help with the academic side - he was a maths teacher so I did get help with that - but my mum gave me no support or help with the bullying. Dh’s mum saw he was being bullied, and the effect it was having on him, and took prompt action to move him.

My brother got bullied relentlessly at his public school

He only spoke about it later. I am not saying your son was bullied, and I am glad he wasn't. But you can't buy freedom from bullies, they exist in every strand of society

Ds went to a public school, just graduated from a Russell group university with a first class MEng to go with his A*s and 8s and 9s. His people skills aren't great as he's ND but at least his secondary schooling wasn't marred by years of bullying. He had delayed speech and an IEP with a one to one at primary - he applied to 3 internships and is currently doing one (rejected by one after much deliberating and the other decided not to offer an internship this year). He only applied for one permanent job and he got it, starting when he finishes the internship (different organisation). The university wanted him to do a PhD so he was late applying. Maybe it's good that most job applications are judged blind now.

agreed. Can’t remember the last time a private educated candidate was hired into the grad programmes - certainly not in the last few years.

@callmemessy for what line of work are these grad programmes?

These conversations are so ridiculous. Every child is different no matter which school they go to. Entitled people in state and private. Oiks too. Lovely, well rounded kind individuals in both. Ambitious, driven people from all backgrounds. Kids with real resilience because of life experiences or natural or learnt grit in both. People making huge generalisations have no understanding of humans. In other countries, many of which have the same levels or higher of private v state education just don't spend so long naval gazing. Generally their state education is better across the board, maybe that's why. State education here can be excellent or truly sh*t.

I agree that extras (ie uniform, music classes etc) can cost quite a lot so need to be factored in. Fees are high. Vat makes them unaffordable for us. Keeping up with the Joneses in my experience nonsense. Could easily be worse in state in wealthy catchments and more ready cash.

These discussions are quite boring but I feel the need to come on from time to time to try to counter some of the generalisations but honestly have much better things to do with my weekend. I need to turn off the mumsnet notifications