Private school grief

I think schooling is only part of educational investment.

I went to a fairly average state school in inner city Brum.

When I started my first graduate job, of my intake most went to private school one of which was Eton.

Yet we were doing the same job….

We have twins - both have sen needs but one in particular could not cope with school so went to a local private where she managed decedent a levels to get into uni

not all private’s are equal - I have no doubt there are some very £££ private’s which are top class but I consider my son’s free gov education better than my daughters private - it was just right for her with the smaller class sizes

I do agree with you but the schools in my local area are bad.

My DP wasted tens of thousands on private school (unintentional, it ended up being the only school he and his ex could get their DC in due to bad choices on their part 🙄) and they couldn’t really afford it.

Their DC hasn’t amounted to anything more than he could or would have without it. It’s no guarantee of something amazing.

I think we need more clarity.

Who is saying you must hide your income, and why? Is it ill-gotten?

Are you tiptoeing on eggshells and being controlled in an abusive marriage?

Does your husband silently weep in the Louvre and wail in the Sistine Chapel?

Plays smallest violin

@anonymouselephantx - 'As a former teacher who worked in both private and public school, I can tell you first hand, there is absolutely no difference whatsoever in regards to teaching. The children will be taught by the exact same teachers. In some schools I even found the teaching in public to be better than private in some ways.'

This just isn't true, unfortunately. Depends how you define it, but generally, private schools probably will attract 'better' teachers. It's not rocket science - if you are passionate about your subject and an expert in your field, where would you rather teach? In a well resourced school with better pay and longer holidays where the classes are likely to be smaller (and in some cases, more academic kids if the school is selective), versus less pay, shorter holidays and a more challenging student body?

It's not an absolute. There are brillliant state school teachers and crap private school teachers. But to say 'there is absolutely no difference whatsoever' in the teaching is just silly. It's like saying all the tutors at Cambridge are exactly same as those who teach at Bangor. Yes, you might come out with the same subject degree and qualification...but of course there is a difference!

Don’t worry, he can open his own doors.

If it was me and I have done this I would forget his feelings and put him in. I got hammered but it was worth it.

Access to good state provision is not widespread.

Of the 25 odd kids I’ve known since being a mum that went to private school - only one has had the stellar adult life that I think many who make the financial sacrifice hope for.
In our family/friendship group, it was like seeing kids travel along a different road at 5/7/11 depending on when they entered the private sector .. only to arrive at the same place post 18. (University)
Then end up all in the same pool chasing the same post grad career opportunities. Because Uni isn’t ’private’ ..

If you have access to good state provision then in my mind you are absolutely wasting your money.

It’s far better spent on tutors to plug any holes at GCSE and A’level… and one hell of a lot cheaper .

Quite. Both my offspring went to ordinary state comprehensives, got a large number of top A Levels and then got into Oxford.

Nerve has been hit, but it sounds like it's yours!

It's extremely naive or disingenuous to pretend that better resources don't bring a better outcome. It's not BUYING and education to prioritise your children'education.

Private schools are based on the same premise that money will get a better education, better contacts, better jobs.
That is not true.
You can say that all you want, in real life I can see the opposite every day.

People wouldn't try to create exceptions and different admission criteria for some to "improve social mobility" if it wasn't true. That wouldn't be needed if money, education, contacts didn't matter.

This smacks of AI

Tell me you haven't worked in a state secondary school, without telling me

If your local state school is good, bank the money and save it for their uni education. That way they go through uni without the huge debt

You can replicate the private, if your state school is good, you get a tutor over to stay on course for great grades, sporty clubs, arty outings, and trips abroad to places like the Somme, Cario, skiing etc
Totally doable.

I understand the grief attached to school choices. I was absolutely heartbroken when we didn’t get our choice of state school, so we decided we’d make the fees ‘work’, however with the uplift in fees of 28% in the past year, we regret not making state school work. Now we have a choice to either place our child at an inferior school, in the knowledge there is far better locally, or suck up being poorer than we should be. 20k a year buys a lot of fun times, so don’t dwell for long, book a holiday or buy yourself a Range Rover - that’s what state parents do round our way. 😂

Surely it’s very area dependant. A good state school in a rich area is going to have a pretty middle class motivated bunch of kids on average so you are les likely to get behaviour problems and more motivated children on average. The differences between the state and private school might not be so marked. Very different to a school with a huge demographic spread and children with problems and lack of motivation. I doubt one state teacher has the same experience as another whereas I assume more private school teachers have a reasonably consistent experience.

Sorry OP but I think it's utterly ridiculous to have to deny your child opportunities and pretend you have less to spare your husband's feelings.

It's awfully man-child behaviour.

I couldn't do that to my son.

It would be an enormous get the fuck over yourself from me.

This. Is this OP rage-bait?

“Mother declines private education due to less successful husband‘s / father‘s insecurity“?

reminds me of SATC (yes, a rather toxic reference) where Charlotte explained that she was renting because owning would lower her chances on the dating scene / marriage scene…

Hi, not necessarily. I was a free milk and lunch child under Thatcher - pretty much at the bottom of the socioeconomic scale in one of the poorest areas in London. I went to a grammar school and saw the difference in choices of the wealthier girls. It was a time when less money was spent on girls’ education. So quite a few girls had brothers/boyfriends at fairly elite private schools. Their choices in life were so much wider and desirable.

I didn’t think sending my DS to a private school was the pinnacle of my achievements, but exercising an option that was my choice, to give my DS more choices in the future.

The state schools near me are very good, the private school is world class. The point is I/he had a choice and that is what I’d worked towards.

Having sent my children to state and them private, I can promise theres a hell of a difference between the two.
Starting with the fact chikdren are actually seen rather than ‘not creating problem=ignored’.
im surprised you haven’t noticed any difference tbh

I’m not sure how sane it is to start off on the private education journey at this point anyway OP.

Even the prep schools round me are edging up to almost £30k a year now. Just insane amounts of money.

I think a lot of people who had probably been considering private education will be rethinking.

I know many, many families where you’d assume they’d be using these schools and very few are. Almost exclusively those with family wealth - those actually needing to earn the money to pay the fees seem actually very reluctant.

I have no idea what the private school system is going to look like in 5-10 years. The cost is just getting so ridiculous.

One provocative post and OP disappears in a puff of smoke.