Private school grief

@BananaPeels - hmmm. If you put two equally clever children - one into St. Paul's and one into a failing state school - who do you think is more likely to 'do better' with their exam grades and uni applications? Of COURSE teaching, resources and surroundings makes a difference. And of course - every year there are kids that do brilliantly against the odds, without any of the advantages that private school might offer. But to suggest it won't make a difference is misguided.

Also - remember that Oxbridge are highly aware of the advantages that private school kids have. Rightly so, they will take that into consideration when it comes to offers etc. And yet, statistically private schools are still over-represented, even with these tougher requirements, so...

Binky thought reindeers were a mythical animal made up for Christmas.

You won’t get much sympathy here bc Mumsnet hates private school people, but I do understand. Because of the vat and rising fees we’ve just put our daughter in state school as a year 6. It was gut wrenching and it still is- I grew up in the states in hillbilly country, hungry, poorer than poor, and none of my siblings made it out, none graduated high school and are all meth addicts. Sending my child to private school felt like I was giving her the world I was never able to have. I will say so far she’s doing well, she’s 2 years ahead of all of her classmates and bored, but she’s in the catchment for the top non selective state secondary in the country, so I’m hopeful she will have a great future ahead of her, despite not going private.

To be fair I know quite a few people who went to private schools and are just average people with very average jobs. You wouldn't really know they had been to private school at all.

Nerve has been hit, but it sounds like it's yours!
@CalmHiker that’s what I thought.

@MyrtleLion
They are damaging as has been evidenced in many places including this thread.
Don't pat yourselves on the back for "doing the best" for your child just because you have money when it's just not true and others don't have that option.

Do you somehow have proof that every single person who has been privately educated is ‘damaged’?
Not sure why you felt the need to write such an unpleasant post, unless maybe it’s an opportunity to have a go at people richer than you.

But that doesn’t prove it’s the school rather than their family background that gave them the advantage. It's true that most private schools have smaller classes and probably fewer behavioural problems, but I don’t think the teaching is necessarily better.

If I ruled the world I would ban private schools because I think they are divisive, entrench privilege and act against social cohesion! Luckily for private schools, it’s not likely to happen…

I've been (belatedly) watching Pilgrimage, the season with Spencer from Made in Chelsea. He went to Eton. And he was amazed to learn on the pilgrimage that Jesus was a real person.
It's not necessarily the best use of your money.

I had a similar thought today. Saw three kids crossing the street in uniform of a very expensive private school: the bag, the hats, everything! And just felt sad for all the opportunities they are getting that my kids won’t.

The thing you have to remember is your husband won't appreciate your sacrifice.
He won't reward you for it.
He won't feel bad and think 'I'll be kinder'.
He won't see your suffering and think 'I'm a piece of shit'.

He will just be happy he ground you down and provide more pressure.

If this is about you being the higher earner I think he needs to meet you in the middle. I would consider private school for secondary education. No you shouldn’t have to hide what you earn. Particularly from your dh if that’s the case I think you need to look at your marriage.

"what is the point of being successful as a professional if I need to hide it all the time"

What are you on about here? Does the above comment mean that sending your child to Private School is an important status symbol for you?

Impossible to discuss the important thing here-that the OP is being controlled by her DP-because the word “grief” is so wildly inappropriate.

If you want private school (one vote)
If husband wants state (one vote)

Why is he the deciding vote?

What are you actually talking about?

You believe private school is in the best interests of your children but you're putting your husband's ego ahead of that?!

If THAT'S the example they are learning from at home I don't think they have much chance regardless of where they go to school.

oh come on not true. Your core intellectual ability is not changed by the school. Schools can help improve some children’s grades but if they entered a school clever they come out clever. Do you think the children who attend St Paul’s school are not the absolute brightest children going into the school to start with? Do you think the school is value add grade wise?. Same with the other schools- the entrance exams are very difficult - yes children can be coached through to an extent but there has to be a raw ability to start with.

My mother always said you are either a wife, or a mother, but it’s hard to be both. Quite apart from the pros and cons of the private v state debate, the thing I notice about your post is your putting your husband before your son; if you want to send him to private school and you can afford it (out of your finances not joint) then do it. Otherwise you’re just being a wee wifey and I pity your son.

Send your actual child to private school and get rid of the man child. Your husbands fragile ego needs to get in the bin so you can you send your child to private school. Yes there are state schools that CAN compete academically but the all round education, the networks and support can rarely be topped by a big standard comprehensive.

but WHY do they have academic capacity? Because of the education they received, that's all - exactly the reason why parents support them as much as they can afford.

If you have access to a good state of schools, i dont think your child will be that negatively impacted.

We've been looking into whether we buy in a good catchment area, and spend our money on travelling and activities. Or buy closer to family, have a bigger house and pay for private school. There seem to be more benefits from the state school option

Yes but since most of the private schools that those children attend are academically selective that means that pretty every child in the 6th form has the academic capacity to attend oxbridge rather than a relatively small proportion in a non selective state school. Therefore I would expect statistically for private schools to be over represented in the numbers

then add grammar schools - which around here might as well be private, when you see the amount of tutoring and extra resources and activities paid by by parents (who can blame them!)

There's not that many spaces left for those coming from state comprehensive...

TBH private school isn't always the opportunity it is sold as. I know 5/6 people who were privately educated and none have had better prospects than I did, and I went to some of the roughest schools around, and didn't even get GCSEs.

Infact, DDs BF is 18, and I'm seeing that the Education he gained has opened exactly 0 doors for him. He hasn't got contacts, additional opportunities, better GCSE grades.

This may have been different if he attended a high profile private but honestly. I'd let it go.

If you have funds, use it to help your DS to get into their career of choice, maybe put the money towards giving him a comfortable start to adulthood.

Well done to them both, but it doesn't change the fact that about a third of Oxford students come from private schools despite only 10-12% of A-level students being educated privately.