Private school grief

Exactly this 👏🏻 My state grammar school was excellent for the area in Bucks, but i actually hated it for so many reasons including the fact that a lot of the teenage boys were immature and disruptive.

I was studious and probably considered a swot by those boys, some of whom were quite nasty and a bit bullying.

In hindsight, I'd have been better suited to the top girls' state grammar down the road which might not have had so many pupils who didn’t care about learning.

My DD is conversely thriving at an all girls private school, and tte atmosphere of the school is very conducive to studying well. Small classes, only 6 in her French GCSE class, and such devoted encouragement from the teachers.

The difference even between a very good state grammar school and a private one is huge.

I’m honestly struggling to understand, you can afford to send your child to private school and really want this for them, have worked hard and thrived for this.. but you now won’t because of your husband’s pride? That is utterly ridiculous. I know private schools aren’t always popular on MN, but I send my DD to one, and my advice would be: if you can afford it, do it. Obviously, some schools are better than others, but what I’ve found is that her school provides a real sense of community built on respect, kindness, and encouraging independence. It’s not just about academics, they nurture confidence and individual strengths, whether academic or not. They can do this because they have better resources, more staff, and better facilities…on a completely different level to state schools. Private education offers so much more than classroom learning, the opportunities, friendships (also no disruptions in class), trips, and extra-curricular activities are amazing. When I compare her school with the state school I attended, the difference is night and day.

The fact of the matter is (although many on this would attempt to disagree) private schools are better than state schools. So my advice remains the same, if you can afford it, go for it. Your husband needs to put his ego aside and recognise that this could be the best choice for your child’s future.

Shall we stop with the offensive stereotypes

Why write one if you’re opposed to them?

No you've got Milo with his floppy hair sharing his class A drugs instead.

Shall we stop with the offensive stereotypes?

My kids got top grades in state school, DD quite literally, she got 12 x grade 9’s. Maybe private school would open some more connections, but to be honest, they won’t need it as both incredibly driven and intelligent, and best of all, very modest with it.

That's exactly it. Mostly well behaved, well mannered,confident children. I never hear screaming and see the running around chaos that I do in state. It opens doors because you are surrounded by other motivated, successful people and haven't got Jayden with his half shaved head causing disruption in the corner. It's not about the Eton network, it's about small, focused, motivated classes building well rounded children.

You seem obsessed with Oxford.

Maybe you measure success and education that way, not all of us do. It's more important for me that my child is happy at school because a happy child will more easily fulfill their potential anyway.
I don't judge her success merely on grades and which university she ends up at.

So you’re one of the 93% of however many it is who send their DC to a state school.

At the age of 11 my best friend went off to private school and I stayed in state school. We were very similar children from the same demographic although her family were better off than mine. We ended up getting the same A level grades and studying at the same university.
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I really disagree that this is always the case. My own son was relentlessly bullied in his private school. I had no choice but to move him after 3 years. He was eventually stabbed trying stop the bullying of another child.
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Of the 25 odd kids I’ve known since being a mum that went to private school - only one has had the stellar adult life that I think many who make the financial sacrifice hope for
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in fact if you put all those kids into the local state school my money is even more of then will get into Oxbridge than they do now.

Those are a very small selection of comments on what a waste of money private schools are.
That’s fine, but if private schools are not only inferior but also extremely expensive, why the desire to ban them? (Also they offer an opportunity to sneer and deride rich people wasting their money and their thick, entitled children).

But unless she has asked you for a loan, why do you dread to think about it?’She could have fluttered that money away gambling. Then you’d have a reason to dread how much she’d wasted.

The same here.

@Buddingbudde - depends how one defines it, I suppose. I don't consider myself to be 'cleverer' than my cleaner, for example - she speaks three languages fluently, which I could only dream of doing!

On paper, I am more successful in career terms yes. But I think in many ways that's down to the different hands life has dealt us. Part of that is the advantage I had with my education... I wouldn't for a second automatically say I'm cleverer than she is.

Exactly. I dread to think what my sister spent on school fees! She’s very much a keep up with the Jones type person though.

If you live in the right postcodes.

Er, no they haven't.

The nasty cravens are out in force today.

On average wealthier people will be cleverer though. It’s a fact that a large part of what people are paid is down to their intelligence. Like it or not we can all agree cleverer people are - on average - paid more.

As long as those good state schools are available around where you live.
There are no grammar around us. State isn’t great all.
So saying there are ‘plenty’ is naive and only reflecting your own environment.

That, ofc, doesn’t include the fact you might have children who will benefit from another calmer environment, smaller classes, etc etc….

@BananaPeels - really uncomfortable with the sentiment that 'wealthier people, on average, are cleverer.' They've had more advantages in life, yes. That's different.

Yes the boys at St Paul's WILL be bright - it's academically very selective. But put one of those clever boys at a school with a -1.5 progress 8 score, are they just as likely to get Astars and an Oxbridge offer? Of course not, come on...!

Interesting.
I had two dcs both at state school and then private.
dc1 was getting bullied and finally found his feet ‘as a nerd’ at his private school. Hed have been confident at the end of secondary in state. But not happy.
dc2… was the quiet child no one ever noticed. Absolutely not confident. Shy, not speaking at all. He came out confident, happy from his years at his private school and with much better prospect than if left in state school. Fwiw at last parent evening in his state school teachers actually apologised to him first having ignored him and not supported to acheive his potential (yes they just had an OFSTED review). That was a true picture imo and would have carried on if he had stayed there.

So for us, private was what allowed both dcs to become happy, confident and fulfilling their abilities.
Both at Uni now, doing very well, good Uni and more importantly happy in themselves.

So … my experience is that they spend a hell of a lot of time at school. You can put a lot of effort into cultivating indeoendence, self confidence etc…. outside school (which we had btw) but saying that the place they spend most if the day at has little impact is naive to say the least.

Plenty of good state schools where going private wouldn't be good value for money. Far better to save the money towards a flat deposit in future

Why? Those 2 things are not mutually exclusive.
Have you looked at the stats- St Paul’s boys 91% were A*A. So most of that school are straight A’s! The school did not turn average children into academic machines . Most of those kids can teach themselves if needed to.

i don’t have any stats but would hazard a guess that wealthier people, on average are academically cleverer. Academic ability runs in genetically plus parents who are educated will be passing on work ethic and knowledge to their children as well. I would also expect more academic children to earn more over their lifetime and for that wealth to perpetuate. You might not like it but that is what I have seen played out. Children don’t enter schools equal.

Are your kids in private schools?

I was recently at what would be considered one of the poshest boarding schools for a visit. I was surprised how many London accents I heard - and I don’t mean posh London. I also know that the day schools churn out kids who do their best to sound ‘street’ so you’re possibly wasting your cash if you are sending DC private to sound polished. They will probably have more sport and drama and music and a wider variety of clubs at an independent school. The teachers are not necessarily better at all but they are largely unburdened by having to restrain pupils who throw chairs across the room.

There are a lot of ways to raise a happy, confident child with good future prospects. I dont put private school on the list at all.

you can't say that most children in private school have the ability to be accepted at Oxbridge,

and at the same time say that your core intellectual ability is not changed by the school.

Yes, everyone starts at the same level but the difference in education means the ones in private (not all private..) are miles ahead. It's not about being "clever", being wealthy doesn't make you especially more clever (no one mentions the Royal Family and their grades on here, thank you 😂), but it's about a better education.