Private school grief

Welcome to the 93 soon to be 94/95 % club! That’s the percentage of children going to normal schools.
Welcome to sending your child to schools that are genuinely reflective of society, where money doesn’t always buy privilege, to opportunities that are increasingly closed off to private school children through widening participation schemes, to school populations where competition is real, where the children have all sorts of skills sets.
The number 1 most important influence in whether a child does well in education is their parent’s engagement in that education.

congrats!

Hi, private school mum here. You said you will wonder what doors private school could open, what did you mean by that?

From what I see a lot of people who have no experience of private school think it's all like the famous boarding schools and you'll meet aristos and get your foot in the door of a bank, but the vast majority of private schools are just normal run of the mill schools who rarely get anyone into Oxbridge even.

So unless you were planning to send your kid to Harrow or something you're not really missing out on door opening.

What private schools can provide (depending on the school) is single sex environment, better offering of extra curriculars, potentially better SEN provision, instilling better manners and confidence, probably less disruption in classes, and better food.

The teaching in private schools isn't much better than state schools, private schools that get impressive results are highly selective and have the advantage of smaller classes. If you are worried about academics you could get a tutor and maybe just do private school for A levels if your kid wants to go to uni?

Also for reference, my mother went to one of the "best" private schools in the world, yet never had a proper job and and has no money...

OP if you are viewing this - all these anecdotes all come back to the point to forget about everything but simply to look at all schools, local and private and decide where is the place my child will be happiest. We did that. We saw about 15 schools for each child and weighed up the pros and cons of each. One of my friends simply gave her children complete choice over where they wanted to go. 2 ended up private as they wanted all girls schools and there were no state only girls schools nearby and the 3rd wanted to stay with his mates so went to the local comp. They are all happy and thriving. There is no right answer to what is individually best for your child.

Why doesn't your husband want your child to attend the private school? Perhaps discussion on the pros and cons needs to be had in comparison? I personally would overrule my husband if it was the best fory child, and he didn't have a good reason. You obviously feel strongly about it.

@Movingonfeelssad are you going to come back and actually explain what the issue is between you and your DH?

Some state schools do a lot for Oxbridge applicants. My DD is in an Oxbridge group, started in year 12. The head of sixth form runs it and he went to Cambridge. He knows a lot about the process and it’s been really helpful for DD. Overall though yes, private schools do more to prepare, but there’s a lot of info online about the process / tests. Even on Tiktok etc, lots of students you can follow who talk you through it.

Yes, i’m talking about my DC, saying they don’t have that superior i’m smarter than anyone attitude. God forbid someone states a fact about their DC without being jumped on. State school kids achieve too, and absolutely nothing wrong with being proud of that as a parent. I won’t ever apologise for praising their efforts and ability, especially my DD who has been unwell and missed a lot of school year 7-9. I certainly did celebrate when she achieved 12 x grade 9’s and I don’t care if someone thinks it’s bragging. Bragging is surely when you praise your own achievement, her success if hers and as a parent surely you celebrate that. Not sure if it’s just UK culture where you can’t say your child has done well without being jumped on. Very odd.

Being a humble teacher, I could never have afforded private school for my 3. However, I was employed at a very prestigious and highly academic school when my eldest was about to start Secondary, and one of the perks was 75% fee remission. Had my eldest gone to the local state school, he would no doubt have fallen through the cracks, despite being extremely clever. He was shy, tall, musical, non-sporty, awkward and nerdy. The boys at the school were cocky, confident, surfer-types, and getting good marks was to be sneered at. At the independent school, he absolutely blossomed. In the top stream, he revelled in Latin and French, discovered traditional English ecclesiastical music in the chapel choir, became the school cross-country champion, and outstanding swimmer. His talent was picked early by the gruff Scottish sports master. In his final year he was Head of House - a much sought-after honour. His younger brother, chronically ill, struggled with attendance, spending more time in hospital than the classroom. He discovered English as a talent, though, and writes beautifully. DS2 hated being singled out, and no-one ever teased or embarrassed him. When it came to the compulsory whole-school cross-country event, the deputy-head would say..."I need four officials to collect and co-ordinate results. Hmm...Smith, Jones, Brown...oh and Glot...you'll all do." He was supported by the kind and intuitive staff in a manner for which I am forever grateful. He did win the Fly-tying cup! Fly-tying and fishing, which he did at the school, became a huge passion for him. DS1 was later singer and drummer in a very popular rock band at Uni, and taught himself to speak 4 languages as a hobby. Both boys became surfers in their late teens, and real party animals. I attribute it all to the school.

Ok I think you may find it helpful to reframe your thoughts on this and look at another point of view.

Private school is not necessarily better it is just different.

you are paying to open doors yes.

but what you get for free in a non-fee paying schools is generally a wider mix of people, probably more local which is great for friendships and a much wider understanding of society. You’re getting all that for free. In private school you are paying for some things but you are missing out on others.

yoh just have to work out what you value most. Personally I went to private school and yes it opens doors for some people but for many many others including myself it is detrimental and can knock self esteem. My children go to a local state school and if I want to spend money on their education I get them some tutoring before exams etc .i also had a tutor at private school because the teachers were rotten! I’m sure the results are so good because there is a lot of extra cash spent on tutors

Honestly I think private makes much less difference at primary unless we're talking SEN or the type of child where smaller classes and a calmer environment (which not all private schools guarantee!) make a real difference. Or I suppose if you want something very unusual like a bilingual education. For one of my three I wish I could have afforded something private, but the sort of school they needed was particularly expensive.

At 11 you have a better idea of what suits your child. Even then of course it depends on the child and the schools available; it's not a guarantee. But you've got much more experience to draw on. When we were going into primary I felt like it was about what I wanted, in secondary I felt like it was much more able to be about what was good for them. (State school all, but not in the UK, though I went to school in the UK)

If I had the money I would have sent DC1 private. The state schools around here don't have a great rep and you need a million pound house to get into the least worst one.

DC1 is also dyslexic and may not have passed entrance test to selective private schools.

BUT they are so happy at the local state school! They are thriving. So far it's been the right choice. There are some areas the school is weak in (team sports and sporting facilities, I would say not as good as private in music either) but they are areas we can try to fulfil outside school.

Nauseating.

I have a child at private school and one at the local state school (before anyone says I'm a horrid parent, other child had the opportunity to go private but didn't like the vibe). State school child is doing really well in all exams. State school lacks the interest from teachers for extracurriculars or preparation for exams but child is coping well and is happy so I'm happy. Private school child is well prepped for exams but has had trips. In short I have the right school for the right child and while private school is great if you have a good one and can afford it, it is equally possible to be miserable there as you would in state school. If you have a good comp and your child has a great friendship group he will be absolutely fine

You're insufferable in real life aren't you ! Nothing like a humble brag "I earn so much I can afford private school" kindly ( or not) fuck off
Oh and it doesn't matter the education if your kids thick as mince it doesn't matter where they go

Your husband is not supportive of you. He is a jealous ........ (fill in the blanks).

I think this is right. Playing a decent game of rugby or tennis; learning a musical instrument and joining the orchestra or band or singing in a choir; joining CCF; recording an album in the recording studio; choosing exam subjects which are of interest (Latin, Ancient Greek, Drama) rather than default STEM (because those subjects get you a job with a big salary) are reasons why they want a private school education. The really wealthy want their children to have breadth of interest and aren’t trapped in the ‘exam, exam, exam’ grammar school mentality. They expect good grades but education is seen as more than this. It is a different perspective and I feel the difference is becoming more and more stark. What you see as best depends on your personal values, I guess. Disconcerting when you realise your values are not valued by all.

Another influential factor is maternal age which is another berated topic on MN.

Leave the insecure man child and educate your kids how you want t

I read years ago that the most influential factor in determining a child’s academic success is the level of its mothers academic achievement. So by that criteria your kids should be fine.

funny, I agree completely with @User21548967

i am not paying for my kids to have a certain income.i pay the fees to ensure they have a full, enriching education suited to their specific needs and interests. No signs that either of mine are Oxbridge bound, and just fine with that.

TBH as someone who has been to all three types of school- comprehensive, grammar (selective) and private to tell the truth there is a great difference between comprehensive and the other two, but very little between selective state schools and private- the opening of doors you are talking about only applies to the very top eschelon-Harrow, Eton, Charterhouse Marlborough etc- this is to do with the people you meet not the education you receive, and does not apply to 905 of private schools.

Our local private school is the worst in the county for drugs… privileged kids who’s parents throw money at them.. I don’t think private school is all what it’s cracked up to be.

I was simply struck by the irony of you saying “best of all, very modest with it”.

OP, unless there’s a particular reason your DC needs private education (such as they would really benefit from smaller class sizes due to SEN for example) or the local state school has a reputation for a real bullying problem or something; then all the canny parents seem to pay for tutoring instead.

Put them in the local state and save your money for extra private one to one tutoring at home for the most needed GCSE and A Level subjects. Then your child will likely get similar academic results to a private school education, you’ll save money overall and many top universities seem to prioritise entry of state school students over private ones now anyway. It’s perhaps an unfair way of cheating the system but lots of parents seem to do it if they can.

Private schools kids do better more because of the better peer group than teachers, resources, class sizes etc. Studies show that a child’s peer group is hugely important in moulding their personality and outlook. At a typical state school you’ll have some kids who enjoy learning, some who hate it, and some others in the middle. The lack of discipline or valuing of high achievement is what does for many.