Private school grief

I genuinely don’t understand why people get so angry and/or defensive about where other people’s children go to school.

I am just going to say it. I don’t want my children to judge other people and I want them to understand that people struggle. However, in THEIR formative years it’s much more important that they get on and have the building blocks for THEIR lives cos sure as shit no one else is going to help them do that when they are older no matter how compassionate or empathetic they are. And that will be key for their life going forward.

In other words this is a non problem only in your head. FFS

And what about state schools like this one?
It was Labour who are making independent schools MORE elitist: they got rid of the Assisted places scheme and now VAT is turfing out the lowe income families.
Here is snippet from court judgement which shows diversity does/did exist within independent schools.

There is huge wealth inequality in state schools eg £2m house prices in catchments of best state schools, PTAs which raise 100s of £1000s each year etc. According to Sutton Trust the top 200 state schools are as "privileged" as the top public schools. You ars focusing on 1 tiny sector eg independent schools and ignoring the existing inequality in state schools. Same old same old. Blame independent schools whilst taking no action to improve state schools.

But that’s never going to happen.

if you closed private schools tomorrow - what will result over the next 10 years?

wealthier people who would have gone private will all move into certain areas around certain schools. The demographic of those schools will be on average wealthier. The PTa will raise huge amounts of funds to invest in the facilities of that school so that they have better equipment. Parents of those schools will offer their middle class services - talks/ work experience opportunities etc. tutoring will explode and be rife. All those children will still do all the amazing extra curriculars - They will become private schools by stealth using house prices as the entry criteria.

what do you think will happen to the other schools?

On a micro scale that was the case for my children’s London state primary quite a few years ago now. It was actually very diverse due to a mix of social housing and expensive houses and it was lovely. It was a small 2 form entry school but that school could raise £30k easily via the PTA per year due to generosity of parents and highly motivated professional parents. There were plenty of parents who got involved. They also had occasional fundraisers for specific projects such as converting a temporary classroom in to a permanent structure. Some parents were donating £1k each!

Having fee-paying schools just entrenches difference, and widens gulfs in achievement and opportunity.

@LittleBitofBread most of the posts are saying state schools are better and private schools just for thick Milo. Since private schools are so inferior why will their existence ’widen Gulfs in achievement and opportunity’?

Phoenixfire1988 · Yesterday 23:36
You're insufferable in real life aren't you ! Nothing like a humble brag "I earn so much I can afford private school" kindly ( or not) fuck off

What do you think of the posters on here boasting about their DC’s’ academic achievements? That’s pretty insufferable too.

I don't have an 'idea that state schools are all calm, cohesive places where people of all demographics happily rub alongside each other' That's precisely what my post meant.

But I do think all schools should be state and therefore available to all. And they should be given much more funding so they can attract and keep the best staff and offer the best facilities, so that people of all demographics are supported to achieve and behave at their best and CAN happily rub alongside each other.

Having fee-paying schools just entrenches difference, and widens gulfs in achievement and opportunity.

I wasn't posting about the issue of children being attacked, just about the poster's seeming inability to comprehend why someone wrote the 'Milo' post.

Where we live, there are some very competitive private schools and I think these sorts of schools can be very harmful to children's welfare, particularly at primary/prep level. While there is an argument for selection/extreme academic rigour at senior school, and this is the level where private school can be very advantageous for children if they attend a school that suits them, this doesn't apply to little children though who should be playing and having a largely stress-free childhood.

I can understand paying for better facilities and lots of activities to give your children a lovely, rounded education when they're little, although it's not necessarily the best investment imo given the money can be spent on other things. But the 4+, 7+ and highly selective junior schools leave me baffled. Why would people pay to stress out their young kids (and pay again for tutoring in many cases)? These kids should be out playing.

It is one thing having compassion for other children and making friends whatever the background. It is another thing though to force your child to go to a school where there is a high level of disruption and where they can’t achieve the grades they could because there is are children disturbing the lesson. If state schools had a zero tolerance to bad behaviour then I would understand but they don’t and can’t. For some parents choosing private school is a way of ensuring that their children can maximise their potential. It is obviously very school/area dependant but the idea that state schools are all calm, cohesive places where people of all demographics happily rub alongside each other is not true.

my friend who teaches, told me that at the end of last year 2 boys got into a massive fight in the middle of the class as one cracked a joke about the other’s mum. The whole lesson was disrupted and nothing was taught whilst it all got sorted out. I can absolutely understand why people would reluctantly pay to avoid that

Where people have decent state school options, private doesn’t add nearly as much as people think it does.

The absolute main drivers of success are parental education and success (and, according to Freakonomics, number of books in the house).

If you have two successful professional parents, odds are that their children will be similarly successful, regardless of school.

A lot of wealthy successful professional choose private and, especially, highly selective private. So it is no wonder these schools produce successful alumni. People mistake the causative factor here.

What about why Jayden attacks your child? What are you going to do then? Because that’s what happened to my child and the state school had no power to do anything about it whatsoever.

Lmao you think kids in independent schools are all 1 homogenous group with no differences?
25% are on fee assistance and hence fro lower income households
20-25% are SEND
Many are international ie from other cultures and ethnicities.

Our local state secondary is 99.2% white British. DDs independent school is 71% white British with the remaining % from all over the globe + backgrounds

Are you serious?

If you do genuinely need it explained to you, then OK:
It's an example of another offensive stereotype, to point up why the Jayden one is offensive.

Couldn't agree more with this. 'Jayden with his half shaved head', FFS.
I don't have kids, but if I did I'd absolutely want them to realise that there are all sorts of different backgrounds and that a lot of people struggle, for various reasons, with various things. And I'd want them to have the compassion, imagination and resilience to be able to make connections with anyone, or at the very least not to judge and shun people for their names or appearance or backgrounds.

We sent our daughter to a private primary school and it was amazing for her. Small class sizes (no more than 14), permanent TA in all classes, incredible opportunities both inside and outside of the classroom. We have just moved her to a local state school for the start of year 4.

It wasn't a case that we could no longer afford it but we realised she was struggling when joining activities outside of school where class numbers were higher. Socially, she is incredibly confident but got very frustrated when faced with having to be heard when there were 30+ kids in the room.

The behaviour in her school was impeccable and apart from the odd normal child experience of falling out with friends there were no altercations in school. She absolutely freaked when something quite minor happened in a holiday club outside of school.

We realised then that as amazing as the school was it was not equipping her for outside life. She has always done lots of activities outside of school, dancing, swimming and drama but again class sizes were small.

It was an easy decision to make for her. It took her a couple of weeks to settle in but she is now thriving. Loves her new school and new friends and is much happier in scenarios of lots of people in one room.

Private school can open lots of doors but so can state school if the parents are behind their children, allowing them to explore and experience lots of things

We have said that if her grades start to slip from where they were (performing at 2 school years above her age) then we would get private tutors for her but her new school is pushing her to continue achieving but without the pressure, despite not being the best state school in the area.

There are benefits to private school but there are also a lot of benefits for state school too

In my experience, my children (who attended state primary) were often taught by TAs - especially in the mixed year group classes. Now they are both at private secondary and the ‘teachers’ who are not by trade qualified teachers, normally have a PhD or extensive industry experience in their respective field. This compares to my friends’ experiences of the local state school, where teachers, albeit qualified, are often teaching the wrong subjects to cover deficits.

I appreciate this is anecdotal, but I know which system I think my children will do better from!

This is so true.

Around here the ‘cheap’ private schools boast massively about their excellent exam results, and they do get the best exam results in Scotland. The really hugely expensive schools don’t talk about exam results but the enrichment offerings (sports, debating society, range of subjects etc etc). The posher the school the less they care about academics. Probably as the parents are so rich their kids don’t need to get a good job to survive.

I think OP meant DH was giving her grief?

Sorry to burst your bubble but wealthier people in state schools are far more privileged than rich people in private schools. Those children will have all that money not spent on the school fees spent on tutoring and extra curriculars. Oxbridge application- pay a specialist, struggling with Spanish- pay a specialist! the competition is absolutely not real- the children will be starting from completely different bases.

All that money saved on fees - here’s a lovely cheque for the money for the deposit for your first property.

Don’t worry about having to take a job through uni, we can cover it - just put all your efforts into study with all the money saved.

I 100% believe that when you put wealthier people into state schools, you reduce social mobility by a massive amount.

Really? Cos academies don't have to employ qualified teachers and over 80% of state secondary schools are academies.

This is such an outdated stereotype!

Are you aware of the huge recruitment + retention crisis in state schools? Many GCSE years aren't even taught by subject specialists, let alone other years!

I went to state school and have done better than all the people we used to hang around with that went to private school and I am in no way very well off, our combined household income still falls below £100k.

School means very little unless you are talking the elite of the elite and all the secret handshakes. As you yourself have proven, grit, determination and dedication stand you in far better stead! Out of the people we know, and some are rich, most who are the most well off had a state education (my husbands job means he works for a lot of very well off people) and DH son is in state education and smashing it, and I don’t say that just because I am biased 😂.

Oh, and all your teachers will be properly qualified to teach, that’s another advantage…