Private school grief

Totally agree with this. Just thinking about the people I know with dcs at private school:
Mainly teachers
Trades - builders/plumbers
Civil servants
National rail worker
Doctor
Dentist
Accountant
IT consultant
Not one person has come from generational wealth, they are all self made, hard working, and very ordinary families.

I really don't understand your wordy phrasing. What is the issue? If you can afford it and he doesn't want to feel inferior then he can just not go to school events or socialise with parents.

To be PP stating that private schools are stuffed with kids from
generational wealth - this is just completely incorrect. Do you actually know anyone at private school or is this just a sweeping statement? Coming from someone who sends her child to a private school, I can assure you they are not all like this. Yes, maybe the larger, better known ones, but a lot of others are absolutely not so you can’t generalise. My child doesn’t come from this!

Just to add, following your update OP - I feel it might be a little sweeping to say all private school parents are competitive. While there certainly are some very high achievers or very wealthy families, in my experience the majority of parents are simply hardworking people from all sorts of backgrounds. Often grandparents help with fees. It’s not only the stereotypical “upper-class, wealthy, snobby” type of parent.

And as for the idea of him ‘falling short’ in comparison, why would he need to compare at all? Choosing private school is about what’s best for your child, not about how one parent measures up against another.

I still don't really get the issue with your DH, are you saying you earn more and can afford to pay for private school tuition for your child but your DH feels it will put pressure on him and make him feel like he is falling short because he wouldn't be able to afford to pay or contribute?

If that's the case then yes it's an issue of his ego over what is best for your child. You should both be working together as a team and if one of you earns more you can use that to make the best decision for your child rather than decide not to to avoid making one of you feel uncomfortable and pressured because he or she earns a lower income.

Does this mean if combined you can afford to live in a nice area with a lovely big house but because DH earns a lower income you have to live in a less nicer area and house that matches his income so he doesn't feel pressured?

Maybe I'm missing your point but that's how I read it.

How to say you have no clue without saying it. 25% kids in independent schools are on fee assistance and here the court case identified the number from lower income households.
This.

The problem with private schools is they’re stuffed with kids from generational wealth, and those kids have t got a clue about real life, nor do their parents in many cases.
@CallMeMessy You are quite happy to write off an entire cohort of children because their parents chose private school.
However if someone were to say ‘the problem with state schools is that they’re stuffed with kids whose parents are criminals or unemployed, and those kids wander around the town shoplifting and vandalising property muttering “fuckin’mental” and “innit”, you would be horrified.

@Movingonfeelssad - not sure how old your child is, but at senior level you don't really have much to do with other parents! 😂 I know a lot of parents at my DC's private school because my kids have been there since primary age.

While there are many very, very rich and very successful parents - people just aren't comparing! You find your crowd if you are looking for one. Yes it might be occasionally galling to say 'no we aren't off to our second home in the summer/going skiing in half term/flying to Barbados at Christmas' - no-one really cares, and it's certainly not something to be intimidated by fgs!

What a stupid post.

As a self made person from a very underprivileged background, it took so much grit and determination to get to where I am right now financially and I find it slightly challenging not to aim for the best for my child

Then you'll also know that it's perfectly possible for your child to be very successful with a state school education too. You can still give your child lots of opportunities in addition to their schooling using the money you will have saved.

Your entire OP is very contradictory though as you talk about private school grief and having the money and that it's from your earnings and that's why your DH is upset (or something, it's not very clear). Yet then you say this:

But the value for money makes no sense with today’s fees and increasing costs, lifestyle creep etc…

So if you think it's poor value for money as implied in this sentence, why all this grief.
You've decided it's not worth it so that's it.

Your child will do perfectly well going to the local state school and you can use the money you have saved for tutoring if necessary, music or sport coaching, cultural activities, language lessons, or whatever he's interested in.

@BananaPeels and @CallMeMessy - you say that, but I bet that if your choice was similar to ours - London independent that gets great results and provides an enormously well-rounded education over a state school down the road that gets poor/mediocre results and has a lot of challenges - AND you could afford it, there's no way you would choose the latter 'on principle'.

I'm guessing that those who can afford private but say they are 'against state schools' probably have their children in an excellent state school. If I believed that our local comp was as good (or even, almost/nearly as good) as our private school, I wouldn't be spending the enormous amounts of money for any of the ridiculous reasons some posters on this thread think we might be doing this - 'keeping up with the Joneses'/connections/status symbols. The point is their educational offering is, in this case, poles apart.

Yes I know . I did both.

the point I was trying to make, in a roundabout way, is that we have the money. I can’t help that we have the money- I studied like a dog until I was 24 to get good qualifications to earn a reasonably high salary relative to minimum wage. We chose to have to only have 2 children as we felt that was the amount of children we could afford to be able to have choices about education comfortably.

we’re lucky that we had a good state primary school and went with it.we chose the schools that our children would be happiest at. No more, no less . That should please so many people on here as the children got the worldly real life exposure than allegedly is missing from private schools. But what they also got was the money we didn’t then spend on their education. The money has to go somewhere.

I personally think for society that is far worse than if we had spent it on a private primary school. To me, encouraging people to spend their money on education takes the burden off the state, pumps money into the economy, and reduces wealth transfer between generations.

Which is great if you are lucky enough to have good state schools. Not all of us are that lucky!

FYI most independent parents actually mix and match state + independent. Very few do all through. So many do state primary then independent secondary then back to state 6th form. Or any other combination of those. It isn't a binary choice.

@CallMeMessywe were definitely people who could have afforded private primary school but chose state

we put the money that we would have spent on the fees into their junior isa’s each way so they could put towards a house deposit when they got older. Seems a much better use for the money.

‘bluntly, I'm not sure I've met anyone who is 'so against' private schools who can actually afford it.’

We are. And I know lots of friends who can afford it and choose not to. Some are politically against private education, some see it as a waste of money ( just because you can afford it doesn’t mean you see it as good value for money), some think state schools are a more enriching and rounded experience… Obvs if you look at % of income versus % of kids going to private schools it’s clear that not everyone who could afford fees wants to pay them.

I don’t understand the not having a clue about real life line.

are different people living in an different universes? Is the implication people who are less wealthy live in the real world? Are middle class professionals not living in the real world? Their lives and experiences don’t matter? Why are people who are not as wealthy or education more ‘real’ than people who are?

No it isn't which why banging the drum of anti-independent schools is bollocks.
Life isn't equal, life chances aren't equal and state schools aren't equal. See previous posts of mine.
There is huge inequality in state schools, I don't hear anyone using top state schools in London, campaigning for the improvement of state schools in NE. They simply don't care because their children are OK.

‘Terrific state school’

That actually got me thinking - is it conceivably possible to make every state school brilliant and equal?

in the country, you have lots of space. In cities you don’t. A government could throw all the money at a city school but they are never going to have the experience of space and playing fields and better quality air and outside learning etc.

city schools do,however, have greater access to to culture though and more extra curricular on their doorstep.

even with all the money being thrown at the system, is it ever possible to give children an equal education?

"The problem with private schools is they’re stuffed with kids from generational wealth, and those kids have t got a clue about real life, nor do their parents in many cases"

How to say you have no clue without saying it. 25% kids in independent schools are on fee assistance and here the court case identified the number from lower income households

The Sutton Trust status that top 200 state schools are as "privileged" as top public schools based on the wealth of their cohorts.

And yet here i am

Someone will be along in a mo’ to talk about the ‘sacrifices’ they’ve made and how they’ve ‘strived’ to get their fees paid etc but the reality is - people with money send their children to privates schools and swapping your long haul holidays for a couple of weeks in France instead isn’t much of a sacrifice.

Better spent on nice holidays