Private school grief

SiL does work as does my dd2 - she is a high earner. Dd2 qualified for fsm and lived in a council house growing up and we are on UC. It is different not having to worry about paying a mortgage/rent when you are only 30.

Yep it's really up to the individual to decide how they spend their own money and what their priorities are. It's difficult though if a couple disagree

Private school, as has been debated here really isn’t the ‘best start’ in the opinion of many, and perhaps the father just doesn’t believe in it either.

State school and then Russell group Uni here. Having said that , your DH is not much of a father or a man if he puts his anxieties/ issues in front of giving your child the best start possible. And frankly, I'm not impressed that you as a Mum are putting his issues before your child's interests. Tell him to man up and enrol your child.

Great - may I ask, are you in a FT career or a teacher?

I pointed out that it is perfectly possible to be happy, successful and well rounded despite the apparent horrors of state school education.

Yes you did point it out in a sarcastic post that was intended to put down the poster you were answering.

They do these activities in school.
I did not suggest that I am a better parent. I did not judge and I did not comment on anybody else's child or their choice.

I pointed out that it is perfectly possible to be happy, successful and well rounded despite the apparent horrors of state school education.
It's not me that's judging.

That is brilliant. The more well rounded, happy members of society we have the better. But why does supporting your child with extra curricular etc outside school, while ensuring they are able to reach their potential in their state school, make you better than a parent finding the right environment for their child (which may be private) and supporting them in that way? Why can't we all make choices for our children without judgement? Yes there are some children in some schools who have unbelievable levels of advantage (maybe they have other things to grapple with) but for the most part we are all just doing our best so that our children can thrive in whatever setting that is. On another level there are the children that we all need to be concerned about and support but that's for all of society to do, not just a few

My child was in a high performing one in an expensive catchment and chairs would regularly be thrown around the classroom. School would regularly call me to drive my child home if the unruly children had had a bad day as they were a target for bullies (ASD, socially awkward) and the school feared for their safety on the walk home.

Exam results at my child’s school were high purely due to the very well off middle class catchment ensuring that tutors made up any lack of learning. School suggested that if mainstream private was an option then I should do that as although they could offer to move my child to any school in the council area, all schools had similar issues with pupil safety and classroom disruption.

I see the Commission on School Reform (leading educational experts) have reported today that the decline in educational performance in Scottish children in the PISA rankings is directly linked to the decline in behavioural standards in the classroom and that heads in Scotland need to be given the power to exclude pupils (which the Scottish government claims heads have - they don’t). The Scottish government continues ignoring a serious and growing issue, and continues to fail Scottish school children.

I’m really glad your kids had a good state experience. I feel very strongly that a good state education should be available to all but it just isn’t.

Yes but Not easily depending on sport. One of my children goes to school and does hockey from 7.30 -8.30am, 3 days a week, several lunchtimes and then after school 3 days a week. Then Saturdays mornings. I can’t find an outside provider that could do that to that level.

Other child does football so does about 5 hours during week at school but then about 8 hours a week out of school as there are teams everywhere near us.

music - again, lessons can be done outside of school but harder to arrange then just ducking out of lessons but also orchestras are lunch hours. Our ‘local’ youth orchestra is about an hour’s drive away.

it is just impractical to do things to a high level out of school for many (but not all things). Hence why many Olympians and rugby players, rowers etc are privately educated.

No, I have a very very ordinary state school near me, which is not without its problems.
It does not however mean that children cannot achieve or thrive or be "happy and well rounded"

It's possible to do sport and music etc. to a high standard outside of school too you realise?

So you had essentially a private school standard state school near you? Many state schools can’t offer much in the way of music and sports as the budget for that is diverted to academic subjects. You have been very lucky. My local very good comp doesn’t really offer any sport after year 9 and doesn’t offer music GCSE.

I am in Scotland.
They are at a standard comprehensive in a mixed area. Not one of the highly rated ones in a high income catchment.

But you are obviously the beneficiary of an ‘excellent state school’, rare as hens teeth here in Scotland, and the reason why I have to educate one of my children (with SEN) in private school. How I wish I was as fortunate as you!

Yes I look at my highly qualification dripping, musician, athlete, state school kids and think how miserable and non. rounded they are🙄

Average fees for private day schools are about £19,000 a year and £50,000 for boarding, but within those figures there is a huge range (from £5,580 (The Independent Grammar School: Durham) to £82,035 (boarding fees for overseas year 13 pupils at Brighton College)) with factors such as pupil age range, geography, standard of facilities, academic performance, and reputation all playing a part.

Obviously schools in London and SE generally cost more than those is the North. An independent school in Northern Ireland or the north of England could cost half of what you’d pay for the leading private schools in London and the home counties. Annual fees for The Manchester Grammar School, a leading academic boys school, are £18,666, comparing favourably with London’s St Paul’s School which charges £35,847 for day pupils.

One of the most affordable schools in the UK is found in London. Westminster Choir School is a boys’ school with very reasonable fees, starting at just over £6,400 for a day place. Being accepted for as a chorister means boarding fees of just £3,600.

Perhaps if I was rich rich rather than 1st generation top earner I’d be doing the same but I can’t imagine my children not working for what they have. Although they will be better off than DP and I were, just from the fact they’re leading a MC life in terms of household income rather than growing up in very low income households.

SiL went to a top private school and was also given a house!

Dd3's school is £19k a year (nothing fancy) and ds's public school would be £30k a year (day boy). Luckily they both have/had full bursaries.

If you know of a private secondary school in London that costs £6k per year, I would be fascinated to see a link.

(A madrassa run out of somebody’s front room doesn’t count - I know those exist locally but I would view those as essentially homeschooling)

It’s £30-40k per year around here. In an area where a three bedroom ex-council house costs over a million, and a bog-standard Victorian terrace is £1.5m.

The idea that private schools have “people from all socioeconomic backgrounds” is simply not true, at least around here. Yes there are 10% of kids on full bursaries, but the rest are all very rich indeed (cue a load of people claiming they are “just getting by” on £300k).

And yes, I do know plenty of private school parents socially, some of them are my colleagues and their children play tennis/rugby with mine. They are very nice people but they are absolutely definitely very rich. Luckily the area also has very good state schools.

It costs £200k now to raise a child from 0-18. Every time someone has a child they are committing to that money.

so a person having 1 child and sending them private costs the family less than a family that has 3 children. I don’t think people realise this. So yes an eye watering amount of money but people don’t think of that when they have a child. So a lot of normal folk with more than 1 child, do indeed, afford that

£300k that’s an eye watering amount of money for most people, unbelievable. But if you’re forking out that then I would imagine those families can still help their kids in other ways too, not many normal folk affording that.