Looking after grandchild

She wouldn't march into a nursery and start throwing her weight around. One day her kid may be going on school trips on minibuses and coaches. And shock-horror - be more than 10 minutes away from her desk.

These boys sure know how to pick them don't they?

OP, right now just agree in principle to looking after GC one day a week. Once the baby arrives, and things settle, your son’s girlfriend will once again approach this subject.

At this point, you iron out the creases.

FWIW, the packing up the car, feeding/changing the baby before leaving for work in the morning was always the worst part. No matter how much I did the night before.

It makes perfect sense to go to their place. All the baby stuff is there, familiar and comfortable currencies for the little one. Plus, you might occasionally be able to make them a home cooked meal so there is something nice and healthy, ready to eat when they get it.

makes life easier for them, even if you put yourself out a little one day per week. Once the baby becomes a toddler, you won’t be stuck in the house so much anyway…the days are long but the years go fast.

It’s amazing that you want to spend that time with your grandchild and you will gain a close bond with them in doing so. I’m sure it’s just worries of the what ifs just now but in a years time when she’s heading back to work I’m sure she’ll be happier with baby not being within that radius

Give her time. It’s all new, exciting and a little daunting.
Try not to tell her what she should do; I am sure we all remember being there and finding it unhelpful at an emotional time.

I am sure once she has settled back into work which can be upsetting, she will be happy for you to take them out. Just don’t overdo it.

I would create a safe and happy home for DGC at yours, make a point in making areas safe and mentioning what you have done (all bright and breezy). Maybe research what NCAP safety rating your car is and ask her opinion on car seats. Maybe even leave the odd up to date parenting magazine around. Some elements of parenting move on every few years so look like you’re embracing it, not doggedly in the past. Make her feel able to trust you.

How so? None of my children were looked after at home, they went to grandparents house BUT I do think OP sounds slightly “me me me” with what she wants and needs. I think if you allow DIL to see that you understand, that you are respectful of her wishes and supportive, then DIL will eventually trust OP enough to have baby at her house and on trips etc.

I do both but way prefer my own home.
Looking at all the negative comments directed at a mother who babysat for 3 days and nights in her daughters home and had the audacity to leave a dirty pan, a stain on a bedroom carpet and some good on a push chair I would say keep the child at your house or the mumsneters will come at you.

I think I would wait before making any decisions about all this til after baby actually arrives. Things may change in attitudes on both sides. Enjoy your new grandchild.

I think if it’s your only day off from work you shouldn’t have to spend it at someone else’s house all day every week.
You could either agree to this, say, once or twice a month, or if it has to be every week maybe one week at theirs, next week at yours.
My PIL looked after my baby for a while when I first went back to work and they would always pick her up and take her back to theirs.
I wouldn’t have expected them to sit at ours all day - you’re doing them a huge free favour as it is, despite the fact you will
obviously cherish this time.

This! They will have a the stuff there, pram, high chair, food, comforter, toys, cot.. I could go on. It’s nice if they baby is in their own environment and tbh it’s 100 times easier for the parents not to have to take a baby on a half an hour drive every week (which one of them will have to do to get back to work. then again to collect the baby and then home again). Logistically your idea is more complicated all round. However, if you don’t want to do it you have to say no.

I'm sorry but this is crap 🙄

I wouldn't want to sit in someone's house all day, the housework requests will creep in, fuck that. She can have you babysit or find someone else. There's a choice in there somewhere

If you are thrilled to be watching grandchild, you would be thrilled at watching grandchild anywhere. It is not your “right” to take baby back to yours for trips. Its not that she does not trust you, a new mother quite frankly doesn’t really trust anyone with the most precious things in their life. Please listen to her, take her feelings into account, and remember it is a privilege not a right to be an involved grandparent .

Presumably she will have time off for maternity leave, so potentially the baby will be sort of mobile, or even walking ( heaven help you! ) , when she goes back to work. Baby/toddler proofing a house is hard work, she might also have sourced local baby activity things in her area which she would like the baby to go to, so there are distinct advantages to minding at her house with familiar things around. But I would play it by ear, don’t burn all the bridges just yet.

look honestly don’t read too much into it - these days parents are so anxious about everything! it’s unreasonable to ask that but you can’t really reason with new parents. wait until baby comes and see how she’ll give anything to just have you take the baby lol

Putting aside the worries about being in your car etc., my mum preferred to look after my kids at my house. They had all of their toys here, their foods, high chair, cot for nap time, clothes for poonami changes etc.

It will probably be easier for you to have baby there.

start off by accommodating her, baby will be small, but tell DIL that you might both want to review the set up regularly to make sure it’s working for everyone.
when I went back to work my MIL came to our house once a week to help with childcare. She didn’t like the traffic/driving in the dark at winter, so after 12 months we changed the set up to me taking DD to hers. So basically what I’m saying is make sure there’s regular opportunities to review and discuss - as things may well change.
as for the driving with baby, maybe speak to her and ask if she has any recommendations for which car seat you could buy for your car

Well you clearly do because you asked

AIBU to think that on my only day off I should not be spending the whole day where they live and I should be able to take my grandchild back mine or for trips out.

if you don’t want to do it, then just say. It makes most sense to go the child’s home where all their stuff is. I don’t see the issue at all.

It will be so much easier at their house. Everything there already. No bag packing. House will be baby proofed. Plus no risk of anything happening in the car, as baby not being transported.

I would go along with what they want. If you did have a car accident, or an accident with something at your house, due to it not being baby proofed, it will be ALL your fault. Also, if they forget to pack something, you'll be stuffed.

You could review later on, but I would 100% go along with their wishes. And I am older than you Op, so I am coming at this as a Nanna not a parent.

The baby isn’t even born yet. I don’t know how long she’ll be on mat leave, but this really doesn’t need to be decided now. I’d wait until nearer the time and see how things pan out then.

You have been asked to do them a favour. What conditions you lay down depend on how much you want to do them that favour. Don't try and "read between the lines" Stick to the here and now and the facts.

We didn't have grandparent childcare as an option so perhaps that's why i find it so weird that when someone is getting a huge favour from a parent in the form of free childcare, they think they can dictate like it's a professional nanny relationship. I mean, the odd bit of babysitting we got, I told grandparents about naps or sleep routines or whatever, but even that, I accepted might not go quite right and I was just grateful for an evening out.

OP, I personally think you need to stop extrapolating and gently ask what's going on and why, with your son involved in the conversation and then think carefully about how far you're wiling to accomodate her.

That’s bloody shocking ,spying on someone without their knowledge,complete invasion of privacy. You either trust someone or not !

You're a better person than I!! No way would I be using my one day off work to get to my child's house, 30 minutes away from me, in time for them to leave for their work (and wait for them to get back from their work) to look after their baby in their home!

I'd rather see the baby at weekends for fun times, whenever they can spare the time! Of if they really need the help financially, paying for the extra day of nursery or, at a push, have them bring the baby to me. We would reassess as the baby becomes a more interesting toddler and has classes to attend and drops a nap.

What on earth would I do with a baby in someone else's house, in someone else's neighbourhood, for what, 10 hours a day? They don't do anything at the best of times and I'm very anti-screens. I would have the baby with me in my home, and take it to do my shopping, taking it to run my errands with me, do my laundry while it sleeps, take it out to have a coffee with my friend, take it to my park and my library where I know how things work and where things are. I get where she's coming from but I don't think I'd be going along with her!

Would she expect you to remain in the house the full time you are with the child, so that you are always within 10 minutes of her work?

So you can to go to the park, soft play, etc or even for walk in pushchair with the child on your day ? Its a long day to be in the house.

As shes not had the baby yet, i would imagine her position by the time shes back at work will have softened.

Could you accept the offer and ask maybe once trust is built and baby is a bit older they will be happy with having baby at your home