Looking after grandchild

be their slave basically

@BlossomOfOrange

why should Op have to work so bloody hard just to be accepted??

@Namechangerage

cleaning, doing little jobs, putting a wash on, gardening in own garden, tidying, etc etc etc
Presumably all the stuff she normally does at home on her days off. Is that not obvious??

They're being ridiculous. If they want you to look after their baby you should be able to do it in your own home. You're not a full-time servant to the baby, you're a grandmother doing them a favour and you should be able to get on with things you'd do in your own home while you look after your grandchild.

It makes sense for baby to be in it's own home with all of its own things to hand. Your Dil trust's you to care for her baby or she wouldn't have asked you. As a new Mum it's only natural she wants baby close
to her. Over time she will relax when she sees her baby is happy with you. Give her time and don't put pressure on her.

Yes. Say this. You are doing them a HUGE favour. You would obviously prefer to be in your own home where you can get on with stuff as well as look after the baby. If she wants it all in her house on her terms, she needs to pay a nanny.

I didn't say the parents were doing the grandparents a favour, but I think if you'd be upset not to get time with your grandchildren it's worth remembering that and trying to work something out that suits everyone, vs "I'm doing you a massive favour therefore I'm going to lord it over you and dictate".

It goes both ways.

You are doing them a favour, they can't expect to dictate the terms. I am in a similar position, I look after my precious grandson 2 days a week on my days off and I absolutely love having him (though it is exhausting!) I couldn't even comprehend being away from my own home. I have things I need to catch up with on my days off so my son drops him off and picks him up as luckily he passes the area on his way to work. We've had to child proof the house again (I've got 5 grown up kids) and I've pretty much got everything here that he needs including pushchair, car seat and high chair so they don't even need to pack him a bag. My grandson loves coming to me and I feel honoured to have been asked to help out but there's no way I would have agreed to do it at their house.

It’s a massive commitment taking on childcare and it’s tiring and dare I say it ,pretty mind numbing for up to 10 hours a day! Absolutely adore my grandchildren and help out a lot and generally enjoy the time with them .
Please don’t frame it as if the parents are doing grandparents a massive favour in ‘allowing’ them to provide free childcare.
Thankfully my daughter really appreciates all the help she gets from us and her MIL and doesn’t patronise us .

It’s plainly a favour, unless the recipient feels entitled.

It's always framed as a massive favour, but many grandparents would say "she's not letting us see the baby/bond with them" if they weren't asked.

Just do it completely her way. It will go a long way to improving your relationship and this may open up opportunities eg family days out etc. if you want those things you need your son’s gf on side. Going to her house is not a hardship, and may not be a forever commitment.

Pushing against her wishes could very likely end up with her saying you looking after the baby won’t work and weaken your connection with your son’s family.

just support the new mother in your family who needs help returning to work. Make them dinners etc. be the one they want to have around

I agree. And tbf she was a bit embarrassed about it but said she was too anxious to leave the baby with Mil if not. Turns out Mil was a great carer (which most Mil are imo).

There's a lot of heated advice about your DIL being entitled, about free care, and nasty comments about parental anxiety. They don't help, they just wind it all into an unnecessarily antagonistic scenario.

I'd encourage you to put this aside, and recognise that your DIL is presently a bundle of nerves, with no experience of what's to come.

I remember vividly how whilst my FIL was making grim jokes about childbirth, my MIL was gleefully anticipating taking my as yet unborn son out on all sorts of trips - he wasn't even born yet, and her talking about taking him away from me all the time was incredibly upsetting!

Grandparents anxiety is also very much a thing. She also went a bit bonkers near the birth - kept making rather mad suggestions then taking them back (like coming to drive us to the hospital when she lives an hour away in good traffic and we live a 5m drive from the hospital, wanting us to come over to theirs to do a show and tell for our son so all her friends could meet him when he was a week old and I was half naked half the time).

I'd leave it at the offer of having the baby once a week, and work out finer details much later.

I'd also add that whatever routine I've had with my son, it's never lasted more than 3 months before a different routine takes its place.

You’re doing her a big favour, she either trusts you or she doesn’t! She should be flexible if she wants your help!

She can pay for childcare then. Dont spend your only day off doing this. Its a bit weird to come up with terms and conditions for the child care before birth. Surely this ia a year away.

Remember its not just the DiLs child. Its your sons too.

Depending on the house its really not that hard to child proof it. You could walk into my mums with a baby anytime, my MILs is a bit less baby friendly (low ornaments, glass table) etc.

I‘m guessing it’s because she wants to be close at hand in case of any problems. I’d Just do as she asks

No doubt it works for HER 🙄
She doesn’t want to drive 30 minutes extra in the morning and after work lugging all her baby’s stuff around. Good for her she wants it all on her terms. But, you know, if she wants the FREE childcare then maybe she’s not in a position to demand what she wants. She can pay for it then.
It’s the daughter in law who needs the childcare so maybe she should decide how much she wants it.

If I were in your position I don’t think I’d be happy with this. Has she actually said she doesn’t trust you driving with the baby? For me it wouldn’t just be about being able to babysit in my home- sometimes it is easier to be where all the child’s stuff is- but not being able to go out and about with them. What if you wanted to take them somewhere more than walking distance or a short drive? Id like to think if I was watching my grandchild I’d be able to take them parks, zoos, soft play, the beach, out for lunch with my friends. Some grandparents take their grandkids to baby groups when they have them.
I suppose it is up them ultimately, and maybe they will become more relaxed with time. But I think it’s worth a conversation about how you might feel quite restricted. You don’t have to agree to babysit at all!

My mum has my son one day a week for me whilst I work. I have never asked her to sit at my house all day with him and never would. I drop my son off at my mums and they have everything they need for him there. Whatever they didn’t have I would provide. I think she’s being unreasonable.

You're the one doing her the favour, you decide whose house you use.

Op im sure she'll chill out eventually.

Meeting at work sounds logical to me. As does having LO at your house assuming its baby friendly.
Im not saying you'll get much done in the way of housework but being able to stick a washing in, take deliveries, other odds and sods you get done while at home. Will make a huge difference to you.

Good luck

I wouldn't rush into any commitment to childcare.
It is often a lot harder than you expect, particularly if you have a strong case of PFB.

My mother travels to wherever she is babysitting it's easier for everyone to have all stuff on hand rather than taking a packup. She might take my kids out in the car but she doesn't with my sisters kids she just takes them out in the pram.

Im genuinely shocked at a few of the comments on here supporting mum.

No i think your be very fair and the mother is being very selfish ungrateful. She asks you to look after her child presumably for free..... and yet tries to dictate the circumstances. Unbelievable!

Personally i think mum should drive to yours and back to drop off but if you can meet half way at her work then that's great compromise & bonus for her.
I think if she doesn't trust you enough to drive with them / have at your house - especially if your day off so likely have other things to do at home too then I'd refuse regular childcare & visit them ad-hoc when convenient for all of you. This is definitely mums issue and not yours - she cant have everything!!

Our childcare is going to be least £200 a day and unfortunately no family help due to parental loss due to cancer and moving away due to career. My mum used to look after my siblings children though and often their mum/dad would drive 30-40min each way twice a day to pick up/drop off (was definitely compromise on some days / if anything on etc) but think thats normal. Know others friends driving 1hr each way daily (this is lot i know as about 4hr total) but they do as prefer free childcare/with grandparents rather than paying.
I would jump at having family help as cheaper for parents & nice for children to spend time with grandparents regularly I could never be so selfish as it sounds like this mum is. You are definitely not being unfair!