Looking after grandchild

I look after my gs one day a week and I speak from experience, it's much easier and more convenient in their home. Everything is set up for him, nursery for naps, food in the freezer - it just all round makes things simpler.

At least you’ll be saving money by using their heating and cooking facilities. Many new mums now seem to place strict conditions on their free childcare but I think in time these will become mor lax as life takes over. I would fit in with her to start with and see how it goes for all of you

This has disaster written all over it. Find a polite way of declining.

I preferred both my DC to be cared for at my house at that age because everything’s already there (bottles, steriliser, cot for sleeping in etc) it’s hard taking everything they need to someone else’s house.

Once they are abit older and don’t need so much it’s not a problem taking them somewhere else. Nothing to do with PFB.

In that case I think either you just have to explain it’s your day off and you need to be able to go out, you could suggest taking DC to a baby class? Or agree and wait it out until she’s gotten used to you looking after them, as DC gets older she will most likely chill out.

I do think it’s easier to look after a child that age in their own home though, for naps etc, but would still like to be able to actually leave the house and go to a park or cafe or something.

Both of my children were looked after by my mum at her house while I was at work.

I think it’s better being at the grandparent’s house. We provided some basic things they would need - cot, highchair, nappies, change mat, stairgate, pushchair, change of clothes, some toys etc. and they would take things with them too.

It meant my mum could still do jobs at home, had everything she needed to hand, her friends could call in to see her etc. And both of my children very quickly felt at home there, so if they have had to go and stay there unexpectedly or anything they were fine with it. It was a good change of scenery for them too.

It’s a long time since they were toddlers now but they still think of my Mum’s as a second home and love it there still.

It’s probably a few years off for me, but I have said (when asked if I might be able to help) yes to one day a week and I expected it to be at their house where everything is set up.

I think that makes sense, OP.

Go with let's see.

"So happy to have been asked! Things can change when baby arrives you dont have to set anything now. you can change your mind if you want let's work out the details later on you have ages!"

Re her and you.
Dont be fearful, be reasonable. And if she responds unreasonably its on her (&him)

If she doesnt want to be sensible and wants to be a tantruming child once she's had a child (and your sons a spineless turd) your options are:

1. Let yourself be held hostage and let her dominate you forever and use the kids for control
2. Let her cut her nose to spite her face early days and realise she needs you too...and reach a place of more mutual respect.

I wouldn’t want to spend my day off in someone else’s home.

You are family , not a paid childcarer, and can offer to look after your grandchild in your own family context.

For me that would include meeting a friend for a coffee, going to the park with another local grandparent amongst my friends, getting something cooked while they nap etc.

It’s up to you. You can agree on your terms.Is there a nursery or childminder within 10 mins of where she works??

Or your Ds?

What’s his role in this?

She’s having the baby on her day off. She will have things to do.
They may not have suitable pram walking near them.

I think at the moment, I'd just go along with it. Later, she might calm down a bit. She's first time mum. Bound to be neurotic and hypervigilant. Wait until she's knee deep in baby-chaos. She'll start to appreciate that no one is a perfect parent and hopefully just be grateful you're available.

Also, be very very careful not to go against anything she dislikes. Just accept going to their home. You're the MIL to her. A notoriously difficult relationship. I think it's lovely you're getting this chance for 121 with your GC although it'll inevitably be a hard slog.

I'd have a bag of everything I think I might want as a 'Go Bag' in the car for the day. Tablet, slippers, glasses etc to take the edge off and make things easier for you since you'll be there all day once a week.

I don’t agree with leaving it until the baby is here. They need to be able to plan childcare in advance if the plan doesn’t suit you all.

I don’t trust my mum to drive my DC (due to a medical condition which can be unpredictable and is unsafe for her to drive if it occurs, but she chooses to ignore that). I won’t even get in the car with her myself.
Because of that I never ask her to do childcare. I think you need to openly ask why it’s got to be at their home. Do you smoke? I wouldn’t want my child left all day in a home where someone smokes. Although it does sound like maybe she’s nervous going back and wants to be able to get to the DC quickly if there were an issue? I chose a nursery over the road from my work for that reason.

If it doesn't work for you then that's absolutely fine, they can just pay childcare for that extra day.

My DD and DiL love that I have GC at my house. It means they return to a lovely tidy home while mine looks like someone's thrown the stock of ToysRus onto the floor, smeared it in jam and chucked glitter on top.

I would leave it just now, she hasn't had the baby, and she still has months and months of maternity leave yet, iron out the details in a few months when she's got her head around parenting.

Bloody hell.. formal much!!!
My Dd would think I’d gone insane if I ever sent her a msg like this.. 🤣🤣🤣

Bwahaha
I have a 1 and 3 yr old. The 2 of them are deluded.

Uncharitably....id say "it's best you pay for childcare if thats how you feel"

Charitably.....
I'd say "lets wait and see when the baby arrives, things can change..."

dont commit to much of anything and wait and see of she regains her sanity.

I love that she wants you to save her 400-500 per month completely of her terms - total nonsense.

If she keeps on with this I'd go down the road of "baby is so precious and its SO important you are comfortable with childcare do you can fully focus on work when you are back. I can see you arent totally comfortable with me and that is NO problem as I mum myself I get it and I am not at all offended you put baby into nursery/ the CM instead."

If they insist they want free childcare you to bond with baby explain thsts fine bit it needs to be on terms everyone agrees with as you arent "the help"

As ana side it might suit you to do it at theirs as they have all the gear and toys
Not being able to get a car wpuld be a redline for me....
being trapped in a house with an 18m old on a rainy day in dec would be a hard no from me as a mother let alone a GM. Also even at 2 they get bored of the same walking distance park. It will make your life SO hard if you can't drive

Because although walks with pram might be ok for the baby it would be damn boring for the grandmother for a day every week

You should say " delighted to help but as it's my day off I'd only want to do this from my home, if that doesn't work for you I understand and trust you'll find other arrangements"

How is your house set-up for a baby? If it's not child-proof, then that could be the reason. My MIL insists on childcare at her house, whereas my mum comes to mine. I much prefer DS being at mine, as I have the crafts table/etc set-up for him, and he has plenty of toys to play with, whereas he inevitably gets plonked in front of the tv at my MILs as she just doesn't have the appropriate set-up for my son.

I would say no this wont end well, and being hard work and justifying it by her being a neurotic first time mum doesn't make ot any better

Can you honestly see this getting better?

I can see the sense in you having the baby at theirs because then the baby doesn’t have to be got up and out in the mornings, and everything is set up for baby at their house. Plus then you don’t have any mess to clear up in the evening (not saying you should make a mess at theirs!)

Meeting her at her work sounds stressful all around - work places aren’t really for baby handovers.

You’d be quite within your rights to say “I’m happy to help you but only if you bring the baby to mine” as you’re the one doing them a favour. But it ought to be your son doing some of these drop offs, not all the DIL!