Looking after grandchild

I also echo what @Daccey said. My second child HATES the car and in general we don’t like using car if we can avoid so I wouldn’t be keen on any arrangement which involved sticking kids in car regularly for long stints (I consider more than 5 mins a long drive). I’d just agree and see how things go.

My mum and dad always collected my two from my house and took them back to theirs. It was a trek for me to get down there to collect them after work but that's the deal when they're doing free childcare.

They wanted to be able to gets jobs done when the kids slept or potter around while they played. Not sit in my house with nothing to do but watch the kids.

Why not agree to what she wants now and, if you looking after your grandchild goes well, she may relax enough to allow you to take the baby in your car.

If you have had a difficult relationship in the past, saying that you won't do it unless you can do it at your house will probably lead to her looking for other childcare options and you would lose out on the relationship with your grandchild.

Play the long game indeed, especially as you have a fragile relationship with the gf anyway.

You will find it easier at their house to start with and as she comes to trust you more then you can maybe introduce changes gradually. This is no time to be digging your heels in or fostering controversy - let things develop in their own time.

Good grief. You can get baby basics on local freecycle/ giveaway pages. Only thing you need new is cot mattress and car seat.

I wouldn't want to be stuck in someone else's house looking after a baby all day. Better at mine where I can get on with stuff or have friends over etc

I can understand starting off looking after the baby at theirs as the younger they are the more things they need and it makes no sense to pack it all to take to yours or for you to buy your own to keep at your house.

Maybe ask if after a few months and when more specific things for a younger baby aren’t needed that you can start having them at yours.

it might be her being precious or it might be your son as well. Who knows. But if it was me, I’d meet their needs for one day a week and especially at the start with their first. They’ll likely start to relax once they are more comfortable being parents. And it will be good for your ongoing relationship with them which is so important. If you’re not up for it then let them know so they can make alternative arrangements asap. But be prepared for ill feelings toward you and expect to see less of them. Even if they say it’s fine. I’m betting they’re anxious new parents. Aren’t they all. Emotions will be high. Tread carefully.

You are bonkers if you think caring for a 1 year old is easier at your house. They need stuff and they are absolutely destroyers and into everything dangerous, you'd need to buy things and babyproof loads.

And taking a baby in the car for 30 minutes every morning and then another 30 minutes at the end of the day is terrible.

The above makes me think you've totally forgotten what it's like to care for a toddler.

Exactly this. I would happily pick the baby up but I’d want to be in my own home taking the baby out and about as I did with my own children and maybe doing a little baby class with them and meeting up with my friends also looking after grandchildren

Oh I’m glad that helped 😅
I’m a therapist haha

I'd happily go to her house but ask if it can looked at again in 6 months. Practically wise their home will be easier less travel for the baby is probably better too.

Surely it makes more sense to do it at her house?

What time would you need be at their house on the morning to allow them to get to work on time?

The parents having to get the baby up and ready (and fed), as well as themselves for that time would be quite stressful and it would be nice for it to be avoided if possible?

And think about all the driving you'd be doing if you're going there and back twice a day?

And imagine if the baby has had an awful night and is really tired, and then it has to be woken at 6.30am so the parents can get it up and ready for your arrival? Wouldn't you rather it be a situation where the baby isn't rushed about in the morning and just can wake up at its own pace rather than you be dealing with a shattered and grouchy baby all day?!

And surely its better because all the baby's toys, clothes, equipment and food is there?

And then at the end of the day you get to home to your nice clean and tidy house!!

This is the perfect way to ruin what is so far a great amount of trust being shown in the MiL. Mothers of adult sons frequently don't get a look-in with grandchildren and this is a really lovely opportunity to have 121 with the baby.

Going on the offensive will potentially ruin it. Treading on eggshells is needed. As the OP said, it's PFB syndrome.

It does make sense that it's easier for baby at home in their own space and all set up child proofed and have their high chair and cot etc, but it's you helping them out and that's a bit of a distance to travel so you can let them know you prefer them to drop baby to you and if they don't want to maybe they can pay for childcare

I think for one day a week it's not worth rocking the boat - would it really be that much of a hardship to spend one day at their home?

I agree with others that she will likely loosen up as time passes and she sees how much you love your GC and they love you, how much help you are etc. I wouldn't put your foot down on this now.

Also, just a side note from a mum-of-young-child-perspective, I wouldn't want to do a handover at my workplace carpark for loads of reasons...it could look a bit unprofessional for one - although I assume she works at some kind of childcare setting if you're saying she'd get 50% off. Also there are lots of factors which could make her late with this set-up - having to get herself and baby ready and out early, you could get stuck in traffic and they could be waiting for you in the carpark etc etc. Obviously all this could happen if they were at their home as well but at least it's a more comfortable environment to be waiting in with a baby.

From a helpfulness and convenience perspective, you going to their house seems to make the most sense? Less driving for you, more time available for the parents to get ready and out in the morning, all baby's stuff already set up at home...

I always prefer to have my gc at their own home. Its far easier for me as they have everything they need and i am not constantly policing what they can or can’t touch etc.

My mum looked after my daughter 1 day a week for 2 years.
She lives 2hrs away and always came to me unless she had her the weekend then she would bring her back that evening.
When baby is here and she first returns back to work, she is going to want the baby close while she is adjusting but if and when the trust builds and she sees the bond you have with your GC you will be able to say "Oh I've got to pop into town" or "I've got loads to do at home today I'll be back for when you finish work/come over after work for dinner" and it will organically become more flexible.
I also don't have a relationship with my MIL so don't know how this would change it but if shes asking you to look after the baby already, that can only be seen as a positive because shes already trusting you with her absolute world :)

I would just say that you can see how things go but long term, it’s not only a long day at their house but their child will probably enjoy being able to get out and about.

You’re the one doing the childcare and can say no to their terms.

Do they live in a location where it’s possible to go out with baby without the use of a car eg a city? Presumably you’re not allowed to drive the baby b so if you have things that you need to do on your day off then it needs to be somewhere that you can reach by public transport or walking.

I have a similar set up with my MIL. She offered to have baby at our house and I was SO relieved! Everything the baby needs is at our home, it’s baby proofed, there are stair gates, monitors, she has a cot, high chair, medicine etc…
Her home is lovely and I trust her completely, but it only takes a few seconds for a baby to swipe a glass vase, or pick up a button off the floor to eat! I really wouldn’t take it personally, but if you aren’t able to accommodate then you should let them know sooner rather than later to they can either adjust their expectations or make other arrangements

I'd agree with this set up for now - it's easier with everything set up at home. Use this to build trust not sew discord.
Take the baby out for walks where they live.
If you make this difficult it will just mean you see less of the baby.
Once everyone is more settled and confident - then is the time to see if there's any wiggle room..

Every single one of my friends who provides regular childcare for grandchildren (as opposed to occasional/emergency babysitting), a parent drops the child off to the grandparents’ house on their way to work and collects at the end of the day. No exceptions. The grandparents are providing a massive favour and the parents bend over backwards to make it as easy as possible for them.

So firstly the baby hasn’t been born yet so definitely do not get into all these hypothetical (but contentious) discussions about childcare at this stage. Just say yeh that should be fine let’s see how we go! She is potentially filled with anxiety about becoming a mother and already struggling with idea of handing her baby over to someone else. She has no idea how she’s really going to feel so no need to get into all of it now. I would just appease her, make her feel comfortable, and start of the GC relationship on the right foot. Keeping in there with your son and DIL is huge if you want to have a good relationship long-term with your GC and tbh also a good long-term relationship with your son.

In general I agree that her house is going to be fully set up for baby so that really helps, and with her saying how close her work is to home, I wonder if this is about being able to quickly get home if something were to happen to her baby? Like if baby was choking or poorly or hit their head or whatever. That’s understandable in the early days of motherhood, and certainly for the first couple months when she goes back to work and she will just be getting used to idea of handing over her baby and not always being there. It sounds like it would just all round make her feel more comfortable for you to do childcare at her house. For at least 2-3 months surely you can give that a go? Saves your house getting trashed and filled with baby kit! Takes so much pressure off you. This won’t be forever (as I bet she relaxes after a few months and realises it’s nice to let her DC mess up your house instead 😅) but until then I would absolutely just say OK and actually you might prefer it when time comes anyways. Keep things open, keep things sweet, you’re playing the long game here
if you want to be an active and involved grandparent you do need to try be flexible. And really if you try come from a place of love and compassion for DIL then surely you can see this will help her transition into motherhood, and she will always remember that compassion you showed her. It’s a very vulnerable time and you do remember who helped versus who was awkward with you ..

It is more convenient to look after a small baby in their home, unless you are going to buy everything separately, I'd prefer it too, over DIL packing half the house.
If you're going to do babysit, I'd suck up the request.