Looking after grandchild

OP grab this opportunity with both hands and fit in with what your future DL wants, it’s for such a short period in your life and you will get a lovely close bond

I’m going against the grain and I think they are being unreasonable.

My mum offered to look after our DS 2 days and lives 35mins away. So we drive DS to her house in the morning, then drive to work.

My mum has her home comforts, a room for my son and her friends near her. I wouldn’t expect her to give up her days off by sitting in my house and why should she travel to me when she’s doing us the favour to look after our son?

I trust my mum and I know she wouldn’t put my son in any situations she shouldn’t or knows I wouldn’t like.

The issue here is that your DIL most likely has anxiety about you looking after her child and is doing it for costs rather than want. It might be a good idea to gain trust and then mention about being able to be at home with your grandson after say, 3 or 6 months.

Totally agree!

We’ve done a combination of things with our DGC right from the start. Sometimes at their house and other times at ours. Sometimes, both houses in the same day depending on the routine at the time and what we were going to do. Tbh I don’t know any GP who do not have the baby essentials at their house, along with toys etc. DD always had a (huge) bag of spare clothes, nappies etc which went out with them all of the time, so no effort on her part to just pass the bag over. DD was only too grateful for free childcare that she would have been happy to go out of her way to drop DGC off with us, or collect them to make life easier for us.

I can certainly see why looking after your DGC would be appealing in your own home and in a lot of ways it will be beneficial for DGC to experience different environments. Only you can weigh up how amenable they will be to you having DGC at your house, at least on some occassions. At the moment everything is hypothetical and opinions may change when DGC arrives and maternity/paternity leave ends, but if you are adamant that you want to care for your DGC at your home, don’t leave it too late before letting them know to allow them to put other arrangements in place, if that doesn’t suit them.

In all honestly it doesn’t sound like she is particularly wanting you to have the baby except for the cost saving on childcare. I’m a grandma and also mother of a 1 year old so can see it from both sides, if she doesn’t feel your house is safe for her baby fair enough but then it’s unfair her asking you to care for baby under such restrictions. She needs to pay for a nursery/childminder she prefers and skip the annual holiday like the rest of us do. I would very much expect to be able to care for my grandchild in my home, my rules and to be able to get on with life very much as I do with my 1 year old, dates with friends, shopping, baby groups if fancied etc

I have 3 children, I’m a very capable mum. I would absolutely have freaked out if my mil wanted to look after my baby at her house so she could ‘take them out’. The idea of my first baby out somewhere and I don’t know where or what you’ve packed or planned, I wouldn’t be able to go back to work if that was your plan. And I work full time, returning to a busy career each time with my babies going to wonderful nurseries. I think it’s a mums prerogative to want to be confident they know where their baby is and in what environment at all times, especially their first.

@arcticpandas that is truly horrible. If your ‘friend’ was that concerned regarding her MIL she should have employed professional child care. Vile.

I think this is less likely to be about your accident and more about having the baby close by in her house where she knows the baby will have everything it needs.

When I had my DC1 our first trip into the supermarket, to the city centre (I lived 15 minutes away on the train), meal out etc being a massive deal just in terms of all the stuff I had to think about and pack!

My mum looked after my baby in my house. So much easier than getting the baby ready in the morning or lugging loads of baby stuff about. Also, the baby is used to their house, their cot, their room etc. Plus at the end of the day you could have the baby bathed and ready for bed.

Just look after the baby at their house would be my advice. If you make it too awkward for her then she may make alternative arrangements.

I think you should feel free to offer childcare on whatever terms suit you

This just sums it up for me. I benefitted from grandparent childcare but I was so grateful I worked around them 100%, I certainly didn’t issue demands.

She needs to chill the heck out or pay for childcare.

I look after my grandchildren regularly and they have always come to my home. I would be bored stiff stuck at my daughters all day and the children like coming here.
Children have toys etc here . I have a buggy,baby gymn etc for the baby.
I take them out and about,meet friends,local park etc and I definitely have a history of a few minor prangs over the years !
Don’t be walked over by DIL ,make it clear now what your preferences are.

That will massively backfire. She’ll say ‘No worries, I’ll ask my Mum instead.’

And then OP doesn’t see her grandchild and the son’s girlfriend will know they can’t ask for help and she’ll rely on her own parents and then lines are drawn.

All good then ! It will be easier for everyone and the baby will stay in home environment and no moving of all stuff. Also, Dil might feel reassured because she's got a nannycam installed. A friend of mine who did not trust her Mil did this but took it away after being reassured that Mil was lovely with her baby.

Logistically it makes sense as if you live 30 mins away who would be dropping the baby to you if both parents are going to work? If you have to pick him/her up to take back to yours then that's a colossal waste of time and fuel.

I'm sure there are places around their house that you can take the baby out to? And best bit for you is no mess in your own house!

Anyway as others have said the baby isn't even here yet and it's understandable a first time mum is feeling anxious at already having to plan to be away from them once they return to work. I'm sure the situation will be entirely different in a year or so especially if she sees how great you are with the child.

I think it might be easier being in their home with everything set up, but after a few weeks maybe you could mention it would be nice to sometimes do it at your own house as you have things to do etc.
I'm sure after the first few weeks she would be fine with this

Same as any sahm mum manages with a child or 2. Or do parents with 1 ywar olds all live in hovels?

If you're doing free childcare then you're allowed to offer it on whatever terms work for you. The houses thing is quite weird, but surely they're not expecting you to stay home at their house for a full day? You'll go mad? I think she's probably hormonal and exhausted and cloudy with pregnancy and will realise that this isn't going to work long term when she's more herself. Talk to your son, tell him that you'll do it at their house for the first stretch but then you want to review, and tell him to manage her feelings carefully in how he relays it. And do it on the phone so you don't end up getting in trouble for writing things down!

Makes way more sense to go to the baby's home where all their things are and where they are comfortable by the time maternity leave is done, and be ten mins from mum for emergencies and not 40 mins. Take away the whole accident you had as it isn't relevant, ots a very reasonable request for the above reasons. If she really thought you were a danger she wouldn't ask you at all.

Have the baby are their house for a little while then ask to have the baby at yours.

I have a 2yo, but I've done various bits of housework pretty much since he was born.

Putting laundry on, dish washer, having him "help" with the dishes, "helping" cook with toddler safe knives from 18m, helping me weeding in the garden, baking from 15m, vacuuming...

Toddlers can do a lot, and they generally love doing it!

I look after my granddaughter once a week in her own home. My friend is going to look after hers, but she'll pick up and bring her back (same distance as yours) and then her daughter will come for dinner that night and collect the baby.

I'd like to look after mine in my house but realistically all her stuff is there. It would mean I could go out with my friends to baby groups (a lot of us are new grandparents). I do think though that my son's family feel happier when their daughter's in her own house, particularly for naps. I'm now exploring her area and hope to meet other grandparents at baby groups etc.

TBH I would do anything to keep things smooth at this point. It's such a precious time and such fun looking after her. I wouldn't let anything come between us.

But why should you pick up the baby? They should bring them to you if they want free childcare

I can see both perspectives.
first, it is so so much easier for parents leaving for work if they only have to get themselves ready and you can do dressing breakfast etc with baby when you arrive (if you’re happy to do early start!) and also baby can continue to go to whatever local activity is has been doing like library song time on Fridays already. Also for baby, not having mummy there will be a huge adjustment. Unless baby is already used to being dropped at yours for a full days care regularly, it would be much easier for baby to settle in its own home, nursery is exhausting baby will just want to chill out.
I think you need to ask your son if there are any issues about your driving as you plan to buy a car seat to take baby out and about. Then when baby is used to it you can start taking them back to yours for the day and dropping back to its mum as she finishes work? Then only one long drive for you?

I would also remind you that unless you’re young and fit this will be hard worn as toddler gets feistier. I have a toddler and think it would be better for my son to do mornings at nursery and two afternoons with grandparents or vice versa rather than one full day.

This. I'm just casting my eye over the devastation that is my living room after toddler grandson has been here for 3 hours this morning.