Looking after grandchild

She can just say “no im not doing that” you know? DIL has asked if she can, Yes or No will suffice. Who says that offering free childcare is the only way OP can have a relationship with DGC? I have not seen it mentioned here? What a strange strange suggestion given that OP only lives 30 minutes away. No one is saying that it’s a transaction….

Not want to do them a large favour entirely on their own terms, you mean? Yeah, I’m sure they will be ‘disappointed’.

Presumably you’d agree that it isn’t incumbent on OP to provide free childcare on her DIL’s terms simply to be allowed a relationship with her dgc, though? That relationship should be a given, not a transaction.

Then OP can start being honest with her DIL then and have a conversation like adults and say that she does not want to “pander to her demands” Im sure DIL and son will have no issues with paying for childcare but may be disappointed that the baby’s grandmother does not want to “pander to them” 🙄

OP doesn't have to pander to the dils " wants" either. She could just be a grandmother without having to be childcare and have just as good a relationship with the child.

Whereas her son a DIL will have to cough up for other childcare and unless they can afford a nanny then it will be outside their home

I hear what you're saying, but at the same time I'm wondering if OP feels the only way she will get to see much of her dgc is to accede to the request... 🤔

I dont know about that. Im just thinking in my case when i was in a similar situation my DF offered childcare and would practically run over on the day he was meant to do childcare to take DS to his. I thought it best to ask my MIL if she would like a day as well to keep both families equal and so not to make a difference between them, because I just know that only asking my DF to do childcare would never go down well with MIL. DIL has asked if she is willing to babysit at their house, MIL can say absolutely! Or no I’m not doing that, she can have an adult conversation with her DIL about it, if she doesn’t want to offer free childcare for her family then she can say no. Its quite simple.

YANBU. When I ask my own mum to babysit, she doesn’t actually mind if it’s at ours or hers, but I check which is most convenient for her given she is doing me a favour. As children we always went to our GPs house when they babysat, from tiny babies- always great fun!

When mine were younger I always kept duplicates of everything at hers, that’s easily sorted.

You may find DIL relaxes once your new routine is established and baby gets older, so you can be more flexible as to where you are.

I'm quite sure she is full of anxieties and concerns, it's natural. Whether it is reasonable to place terms and conditions around an offer of free childcare is another matter altogether, though. I sure as heck think she's being demanding.

And as far as what 'benefits' OP - you know, OP didn't have to offer childcare at all. As the baby's grandmother-to-be it would have been perfectly reasonable simply to ask for visits at mutually convenient times to get to know her dgc. The way I see it, she's going over and above offering free childcare, she's entitled to state a few preferences around how this is carried out, and her DIL sounds to me like she's the one who wants things done in a way that will 'benefit her only'.

(Edited to add: actually, I've just remembered that the DIL asked for the childcare. That's just reinforced my view that she is being demanding, not to mention entitled.)

The OP doesn’t have to provide childcare if it’s inconvenient but it seems as though they want to look after their grandchild.

I certainly didn’t have childcare all day, one day a month at the most, both my DC went to nursery. It’s probably easier taking them to nursery than packing everything up and taking it all to someone else’s house.

Not everyone wants to sit in someone else's home all day. Especially if they're still working themselves and could be doing chores while baby sleeps. I always had to pack everything. Baby chair included. It would have been loads easier if my mum came to mine. But she didn't want to. And neither does this person. So just e grateful you have childcare all day.

Do not have the baby at her house. Maybe the first few times. But after that I wouldn't. So entitled. I always had to drop my baby/kids at my mums. She never would want to stay at mine all day. You still work. You could be cleaning/washing ect when baby sleeps since you aren't retired and it's your day off. It's easier for her to not have to pack a bag. But welcome to motherhood. Packing formula bottles ect is a pain but that's what happens when you're a working mum. If you didn't have baby at all she would have to do the same. And the thing about not trusting you to drive. She doesn't need to. As she should be dropping baby off and picking baby up to and from you. By the time I drove my mums and went to work it would take about 50 mins. But I was just grateful she was having baby.

Personally I think say nothing and then plan to get your own way once the baby is here and she’s back at work is the meanest thing you could do. Just tell her yes or no and mean it.

fwiw I would far rather care for a child in my house once a week than traips over to their house on my day off making much longer day for your and SO inconvenient. So I’d offer a day a week in my house if they bring the baby and pick up, and I’d offer the handover in the AM at work if she needs extra help for the first six months.

“Demands”?? I hardly think DIL is being demanding. DIL did not have to include her MIL in childcare arrangements at all! DIL is full of the unknown anxieties of becoming a new mother, having to go back to work and trusting another person with the most precious thing. She obviously trusts her MIL to care for the baby, but it sounds like MIL is only willing to do it on her terms in her home to benefit her only.

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche You sound absolutely incredible! I hope your family appreciate you 🥰

Honestly if she is still pregnant you are worrying about this way too soon. You have a fantasy of how it will look in your head, she has hypothetical separation anxiety. Just let it go for now. Smile say you can’t wait to spend time with him/her and leave it at that. My friend had a baby, she has just returned to work, MIL is generally crackers but on of the things argued about was having the baby at MILs house which friend wasn’t comfortable with for various reasons. Baby is now in nursery.

My mum looks after my LO 2 and a half days a week and I drop him off to her. Shes doing me the favour and I’d prefer for her to be at her own house so she can get on with her day as much as possible. Shes doing me the favour after all. I get that they will have everything but I also get where you’re coming from.

Yes both of them should be grateful. However, because it's the DIL who's been making these demands, we don't know OP's son's views on the matter and we only have DIL's side of things to work with, so to speak. For all we know OP's son might not be fussed where the childcare takes place.

I have a baby and if I were to ask my MIL to babysit I would be asking her if this could be at my home. This is because all the gear is here and it would require significantly less effort and stress for me if I were to go to work.

However, you can just let her know that doesn't work for you. Personally, if my MIL wasn't able to sit at my place then I would look for something that was more convenient until baby was old enough for it to be easier for me. Your DIL may be totally find with the work drop off - you just need to communicate and ask :)

I think in order for you to be babysitting their child you, your DIL and your son need to be able to communicate openly about things. I understand you're posting on here to get advice but you just need to talk to her and your son first. It's also important to note that this could be his wishes too.

I also think she's going to be a new mum and it's filled with lots of challenges and anxieties. Try and be empathetic to how she may be feeling. You don't have to travel to theirs and babysit if you don't want to but you also should have a level of understanding that your son and your DIL are going to make arrangements that suit them and their needs.

I hope you figure it out.

All I can hear is 'blah blah blah blah blah' 😴

New parents also have to make their homes safe, which they somehow appear to manage.

Not everyone will have to undertake the same level of reorganising things, it is going to be very individual. I had very little to do as after having had cats and dogs, the former jumping everywhere and the latter with waggy tails, I have very few ornaments and the small number I have were out of baby/toddler range. I had nothing to do at all. Supervision and shutting doors help massively.

Tbh I totally get what you mean.

But I do also wonder if the poster meant as the current mother of a toddler eg she’s in the thick of it vs a mother of twenty somethings where you do forget the early years in quite such detail

Not everyone here is a parent, but the vast majority are. So you starting a post with 'speaking as the mother of a toddler' as if it made you more of an authority than anyone else, was amusing.

Oh, and just one other thing. It may be called mumsnet, but shock horror, not everyone on here is a parent or grandparent. I've seen posts from single people and married people that aren't parents about non parent/child related issues. So again assumptions making you look like an ...

Oh make your mind up, at first your laughing because you're assuming I'm a first time parent of one toddler and I said about what a toddler needs, to someone that was saying they basically didn't need anything other than a safe warm environment, and I'm not a "veteran" parent so shouldn't be giving advice, which is the attitude you were giving off. And now I've told you that you were completely incorrect you've decided everyone and anyone knows what they need and it doesn't matter how many childreni have or that its my job also. We'll clearly not everyone knows, because the woman I was responding to originally, which wasnt even you, so this is laughable anyway, didn't mention a single material item that is genuinely needed. And the point i was making, which you've choose to ignore because you thought you were hilarious making a jab at (your wrong assumption) I was a mum to just 1 toddler so shoukdnt be ficing advicelike i was a 'veteran', was that it was easier to go to the DIL house because of all the stuff the chuld would need.
So kindly keep moving and say something relevant to what the woman was asking or a noteworthy response that is relevant to the point of this thread you absolute .......... I'll let you use your widely incorrect assumptions fill that space

I’ve recently found out that I am going to be a grandparent for the first time and we’ve already had discussions about how hard it would be to child proof my home - they have not suggested that I can’t have said child to be here though if babysitting and can’t imagine any issues about taking them out either
A close friend gets dictated to by a controlling SIL who doesn’t trust her to look after his children correctly it has caused huge issues and her DD is stuck in the middle