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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family member asking for favour after they royally f***** me over

158 replies

gunnermartin · 16/09/2025 11:48

I’ll keep it brief but my parents did something monumental after years of bad behaviour's that caused me to cut complete contact with them.

In turn because my parents have money my sibling decided to side with them as they are funded for a lot of things by my parents. Sibling hasn’t spoken to me for two years since despite me reaching out to say I’d like to explain and maintain a relationship, to the point my family didn’t get invited to siblings wedding or even told it was happening.

Sibling has now reached out to ask for all my details (address which no one has, job role, where I work etc) regarding being background checked for a job.

AIBU to say no, put it all down as unknown?

OP posts:
Whateverwillwedonow · 16/09/2025 12:19

Just ignore the request. Don’t lower yourself to their level by being spiteful.

Although it would be fun to record your address as HMP Wandsworth

Vaxtable · 16/09/2025 12:14

I would go back and say something along the,lines of

Mary

as you know I have made numerous attempts to contact you over the last two years to explain what happened, after all there are always two sides to every story. You made the decision to side with our parents and were not at all interested in my side of the story to the extent that you did not even invite me and my family to your wedding, in fact you didn’t even tell us it was happening.

I am amazed that you have now felt it appropriate to contact me to ask for personal information because it now suits you, without even an apology for your behaviour

I am unable to help you but wish you the best for your future. Please don’t contact me again

Snorlaxo · 16/09/2025 12:13

I would ignore. MI5 will be able to find you no problem.

Personally I’d be suspicious about their motivation and how they may use the info.

NotABiscuitInSight · 16/09/2025 12:10

I wouldn't even give them the satisfaction of replying.

Pinkyhere · 16/09/2025 12:10

NoahDia · 16/09/2025 11:51

Just ignore it rather than putting it as unknown.

Agree with this.
Sorry you have been treated so badly.
Best response is no response.

MyDeftDuck · 16/09/2025 12:09

Years ago, I applied for a clerical job with the Police force…..nothing monumental or ground breaking but I had to declare where my parents were born, my Mothers maiden name, both of their D.O.B. professions, all addresses they’d ever lived at, same details of my two siblings, and and criminal records that anyone in the family had………just for a clerical job. All my family were ok about it and it sounds like your siblings is going through something similar.
Up yo you OP I’d you’re compliant……just thought it would help you understand the potential behind their request.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 16/09/2025 12:08

NoahDia · 16/09/2025 11:51

Just ignore it rather than putting it as unknown.

Exactly this.

GlitchStitch · 16/09/2025 12:07

PearlClutches · 16/09/2025 11:53

I would be very suspicious why they needed such specific details about you to get job checked themselves. At the very least ask they why they needed such specific those details about you because her prospective employers won’t be asking for them.

My friend required this level of background check for a DV role working alongside the police. I assume the police themselves would need a similar level of checks too.

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 16/09/2025 12:07

Is it Government Developed Vetting, by any chance?

Balloonhearts · 16/09/2025 12:05

I'd say no. I'd even go one step further and if you're contacted by anyone, claim not to know them. But I'm a petty cunt.

QueenClinomania · 16/09/2025 12:03

Fuck them. You owe them nothing.

StewkeyBlue · 16/09/2025 12:02

PearlClutches · 16/09/2025 11:53

I would be very suspicious why they needed such specific details about you to get job checked themselves. At the very least ask they why they needed such specific those details about you because her prospective employers won’t be asking for them.

Some Civil Service jobs / jobs demanding the Official Secrets Act / involving very sensitive info wrt security / military and other things DO do intrusive checks on family members, and seek info from family members.

I dunno: it seems spiteful and tit for tat.

Do you ever want any more contact with your parents or sibling or extended family?

Feuds start when someone gets tribal and cuts contact on behalf of someone else. Your issue was originally with your parents. It is your siblings choice as to whether they maintained contact with your parents.

I would probably do it but say you feel hurt and disappointed that the only contact you have had is because they need something from you

Original poster
gunnermartin · 16/09/2025 11:58

CarmellaSopranosKitchen · 16/09/2025 11:57

Well then - that's your answer - surely?? Do you think she would help you out. It's entirely up to you.

It is. I just get angry still and wanted to hear from people who don’t have any emotion towards it that I’m perfectly within my rights to ignore x

OP posts:
Gardendiary · 16/09/2025 11:58

Unless it’s Mi5 I would be suspicious.
I don’t think you should reply at all, don’t even open a dialogue, it will not be good for you and they are only in touch because they want something.

CutiePieOk · 16/09/2025 11:58

Nope. Ignore

CarmellaSopranosKitchen · 16/09/2025 11:57

Well then - that's your answer - surely?? Do you think she would help you out. It's entirely up to you.

arcticpandas · 16/09/2025 11:56

Just ignore like she has ignored you.

Original poster
gunnermartin · 16/09/2025 11:56

CarmellaSopranosKitchen · 16/09/2025 11:55

If you want to do it. Do it. If you don't don't. Bear in mind though if you don't you will be maybe reinforcing what narrative the parents have told them about you.

It's entirely up to you. If you did want a relationship with them then you do have a bargaining chip. 'Let's meet to discuss before I give you this info..' But personally I'd not give them the info. You have the power,,,

I don’t wish to speak to any of them again after what happened x

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 16/09/2025 11:56

No contact goes both ways.

No response is the right response. They sure are fishing for a lot of your personal and business info.

SapphOhNo · 16/09/2025 11:55

Tell them to get to the other side of fuck off and keep going.

Periperi2025 · 16/09/2025 11:55

PearlClutches · 16/09/2025 11:53

I would be very suspicious why they needed such specific details about you to get job checked themselves. At the very least ask they why they needed such specific those details about you because her prospective employers won’t be asking for them.

Higher level security vetting requires this level of detail.

Sleepeatcrochetrepeat · 16/09/2025 11:55

I would ignore and probably block them too.
They will just have to leave it as unknown.

CarmellaSopranosKitchen · 16/09/2025 11:55

If you want to do it. Do it. If you don't don't. Bear in mind though if you don't you will be maybe reinforcing what narrative the parents have told them about you.

It's entirely up to you. If you did want a relationship with them then you do have a bargaining chip. 'Let's meet to discuss before I give you this info..' But personally I'd not give them the info. You have the power,,,

applesblowinginthewind · 16/09/2025 11:55

PearlClutches · 16/09/2025 11:53

I would be very suspicious why they needed such specific details about you to get job checked themselves. At the very least ask they why they needed such specific those details about you because her prospective employers won’t be asking for them.

Perhaps the job is with MI5 or similar, in which case thorough background checks would be required.

pinkyredrose · 16/09/2025 11:55

They're only in touch because they want something. Ignore.

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