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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family member asking for favour after they royally f***** me over

158 replies

gunnermartin · 16/09/2025 11:48

I’ll keep it brief but my parents did something monumental after years of bad behaviour's that caused me to cut complete contact with them.

In turn because my parents have money my sibling decided to side with them as they are funded for a lot of things by my parents. Sibling hasn’t spoken to me for two years since despite me reaching out to say I’d like to explain and maintain a relationship, to the point my family didn’t get invited to siblings wedding or even told it was happening.

Sibling has now reached out to ask for all my details (address which no one has, job role, where I work etc) regarding being background checked for a job.

AIBU to say no, put it all down as unknown?

OP posts:
CinnamonBuns67 · 16/09/2025 12:41

I'd ignore it or just say no. Yanbu OP. I'd do nothing for her even if it means she doesn't get the job.

AutumnLover1989 · 16/09/2025 12:40

I'd send a laugh emoji then block.

Here4the · 16/09/2025 12:40

Any job needing that info can find it, it's just easier to check it. You don't owe them your private information to use as they please.

Katiesaidthat · 16/09/2025 12:39

arcticpandas · 16/09/2025 11:56

Just ignore like she has ignored you.

Agree, match energy OP. I learned this on MN and it has been a life saver.

Fluffyblackcat7 · 16/09/2025 12:38

PearlClutches · 16/09/2025 11:53

I would be very suspicious why they needed such specific details about you to get job checked themselves. At the very least ask they why they needed such specific those details about you because her prospective employers won’t be asking for them.

I know that the Police do ask for this information as part of their vetting process for all job applications.

Showerflowers · 16/09/2025 12:35

So she’s reached out for information that would only benefit her. She will get what she needs then go back to blanking you. Don’t give her the satisfaction x

SirBasil · 16/09/2025 12:35

TATT2 · 16/09/2025 12:26

I wonder why she can't use her parents or in laws🤔 previous employers or long term friends?

because for some vetting it is very very thorough. Very thorough. But it is how i got back in contact with some of my cousins, way back when, so all good for me.

For OP; just ignore. She won't fail the vetting because of one lot of "unknown" since as pp pointed out presumably she knows your name and dob.

JustineRobots · 16/09/2025 12:34

PearlClutches · 16/09/2025 11:53

I would be very suspicious why they needed such specific details about you to get job checked themselves. At the very least ask they why they needed such specific those details about you because her prospective employers won’t be asking for them.

One of my friends had to give siblings’ details when applying to be a PCSO.

One of her siblings is NC, so she couldn’t tell them where to find her; another has a minor past conviction. She still passed the vetting process, so it’s clearly not a deal breaker.

SweetnsourNZ · 16/09/2025 12:34

TATT2 · 16/09/2025 12:26

I wonder why she can't use her parents or in laws🤔 previous employers or long term friends?

The family will be being screened for criminal or terrorist connections. Especially common in police or aviation industries.

SirBasil · 16/09/2025 12:30

you could put "long stretch in Holloway, why?" or just ignore (do the latter...)

SweetnsourNZ · 16/09/2025 12:30

PearlClutches · 16/09/2025 11:53

I would be very suspicious why they needed such specific details about you to get job checked themselves. At the very least ask they why they needed such specific those details about you because her prospective employers won’t be asking for them.

Some jobs do require your family to be screened for security reasons such as aircraft workers.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 16/09/2025 12:30

Definitely no.

unicornflakegirl · 16/09/2025 12:29

It is common enough to be asked these kind of questions for developed vetting. I was even asked details of what schools my siblings attended.

It is also common enough for people not to be in contact with family members and they can tell that to the assessor. They often want to know about any situations that could compromise the integrity of the applicant so may ask your sibling for their version of events.

I gave our address to a relative for a specific purpose and lo and behold flowers arrived from another relative with whom we were no contact.

OP - you owe her nothing. If you fell better for having closed the chapter then go with your instinct.

Mysterian · 16/09/2025 12:28

Tell them you work for a Cuban guy but you only ever meet him in a park when you give him packages.

WatchingTheDetective · 16/09/2025 12:27

I wouldn't have anything to do with them. I wonder why they asked you and what they thought your response would be! I'd ignore the message and wouldn't hand over any information at all.

I'm so sorry you've got such a shit family.

user593 · 16/09/2025 12:26

I am in an extremely similar situation and I would completely ignore this. To add anything (in my case anyway) would only stir up drama.

TATT2 · 16/09/2025 12:26

I wonder why she can't use her parents or in laws🤔 previous employers or long term friends?

Iwouldlikesomecake · 16/09/2025 12:25

If it’s for security clearance etc then them not putting you down won’t stop them get the job. Lots of jobs ask for it and not just MI5! But she will be able to put your name and date of birth which presumably she knows and then ‘address not known’ - I have a little personal experience of this and it hasn’t hindered anything in any way.

ThatCyanCat · 16/09/2025 12:25

If you don't want to then don't.

Elektra1 · 16/09/2025 12:23

Ignore, just like she ignored you when she got married.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 16/09/2025 12:22

If you give her your address it might very well end up with your parents. Is that something you're okay with happening? If not, then I'd answer something like Vaxtable's letter but more neutral:

"Dear Mary

In the current situation I am unable to help you but wish you the best for your future.

Best wishes
Gunnermartin"

The only thing I'd say is that if imagine yourself looking back in 30 years' time will you regret or be at peace with your decision to sever contact with your parents?

I ask because some people have made that decision and it was the right one for them in the long run. Other people have come to regret it and see the causes of the rift as being small and wish they'd handled things differently. Fwiw severing contact was absolutely the right thing to do for me, but I do know people who with distance (and without allowing themselves to see their parents through rose-tinted glasses) regret it.

LadyDanburysHat · 16/09/2025 12:21

StewkeyBlue · 16/09/2025 12:02

Some Civil Service jobs / jobs demanding the Official Secrets Act / involving very sensitive info wrt security / military and other things DO do intrusive checks on family members, and seek info from family members.

I dunno: it seems spiteful and tit for tat.

Do you ever want any more contact with your parents or sibling or extended family?

Feuds start when someone gets tribal and cuts contact on behalf of someone else. Your issue was originally with your parents. It is your siblings choice as to whether they maintained contact with your parents.

I would probably do it but say you feel hurt and disappointed that the only contact you have had is because they need something from you

Show quote history

It's not tit fir tat though. Their job might ask, they can put unknown as not in contact. If that stops them getting the job, though shit for them.

TATT2 · 16/09/2025 12:21

CarmellaSopranosKitchen · 16/09/2025 11:55

If you want to do it. Do it. If you don't don't. Bear in mind though if you don't you will be maybe reinforcing what narrative the parents have told them about you.

It's entirely up to you. If you did want a relationship with them then you do have a bargaining chip. 'Let's meet to discuss before I give you this info..' But personally I'd not give them the info. You have the power,,,

This is good advice

whitewineandsun · 16/09/2025 12:21

"Kindly fuck off."

Then ignore/block the CF.

Frenchfemme · 16/09/2025 12:20

It may be possible for you to supply the required details directly to the vetting agency, in complete confidence.

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