Family member asking for favour after they royally f***** me over

I know of security checks which can require this information about family members but she can just explain she doesn’t have that information about you.

Also, i like this by @Namechangerage:

“id send a “I’ve tried to reach out to you and make amends. You ignored me. I want no further contact from you unless you want to actually talk about it and move on. You really think asking for an favour as things stand is acceptable??””

But if you prefer to keep your powder dry at this stage, it’s better to say nothing.

I wouldn’t ignore it.

id send a “I’ve tried to reach out to you and make amends. You ignored me. I want no further contact from you unless you want to actually talk about it and move on. You really think asking for an favour as things stand is acceptable??”

I'm really petty I'd text back 'who is this?' then block them. What an absolutely CF to ask.

If she had invited you to her wedding she would have your address...

Quite.

Tell her to do this: Fucking do one... !

@gunnermartin

I think "ignore" is the perfect option for you here.

If you give the information you will be so angry, feel used and feel vulnerable afterwards with all your private information being passed on.

If you communicate and say that you can't do it or don't want to do it, you are inviting a dialogue/debate and that will be upsetting because it seems like none of the people involved have any self awareness or have done any self reflection. The are coming to you because they want something for you to progress their own situation - not out of concern, care or willingness to repair relationships. They are not coming to you contritely or apologetically, they just need something.

It is difficult, as it always is, because what she is asking for is support in what is essentially a positive step to better their life and something that anything would support another family member with (a job application).

But what is telling is that this request for a reference was not prefaced with a genuine and sincere chat, apology, attempt to air things out etc. It was sent because she needs something from you. If not for this job application, would this sibling have reached out to you? I think not.

Ignore is the best option for you in my view. It allows you to maintain the calm and peace you have created for yourself but at the same time there is no way anyone can accuse you of malice etc.

Just ignore.

Protect your peace.

I am sorry your family are like this. It must hurt.

@HoppingPavlova are you also married to my DH 😀

Might be a way of building bridges

I can imagine why you’d want to vet IT contractors very carefully!

If it helps, she can simply put down that your whereabouts are unknown due to family estrangement. DH had to do this and still got his security clearance for government sites, MoD etc

You won't ruin anything for her by not responding so don;t let that little niggle of guilt get to you! Stay safe!

Just ignore him. You don't owe him anything, just like he clearly doesn't owe you anything!

Just forward the message to 7726.

They can just out unknown and the employer will do the checks and find the information themselves.

When it happened here they simply came back and asked when the last contact was and done their own searches.

Unless it’s Mi5 I would be suspicious

Likely not suspicious in government. My DH often does work for government departments and needs a separate security clearance for each one (they waste taxpayers money by not having a centralised system). Nothing like MI5 stuff either. For some, just I’ve had to be interviewed, for others even MY parents had to be interviewed back when alive. I think the weirdest case was when every man, cat and dog associated with him had to be interviewed was for security clearance when they were doing work to support the agricultural ministry. Even odder, DH claims that in any of this work he has ever done requiring these clearances, he’s never ever seen any information whatsoever, he just does work on IT for infrastructure and this never involves receiving any documentation that may have anything vaguely related to whatever the department does let alone any sensitive information.

I'd reply, and say I'd be delighted to give any information about their character to a potential employer

Fuck em. You don’t owe them anything

It’s very common for armed forces, police etc., not just MI5 as a lot of other posters have said

I would just ignore them and continue my life

I'd say that you will give the information to the company directly if it's required.

And then tell them to fuck off. If it's that important or M15 etc they will vet you without your sibling's input. I say this as someone who was vetted many years ago due to a flat mate's job.

A family member does a job that requires a high level of security and all our information had to be provided do it does happen.

Absolutely ignore it. Ignore her and ignore them all. Return any written communication with ‘Not known at this address’.

Certain levels of clearance for Government work need this level of information.

Civilian jobs with the armed forces do too. In this case the sibling can sod off!

Hahahaha. Yeah. Wouldn’t be happening. I’d have a good laugh and forget about it.