Family member asking for favour after they royally f***** me over

Say no and join a Palestine Action demonstration (don't really do that but it's tempting).

Some civil service roles/reserved roles require developed vetting and would need this kind of information.

Maybe relative is going for job in civil service. They asked for all of this info. She will have to say it’s unknown. And explain that her employers and say estranged family. My DC had to do that about one of the grandparents.

In which case, if I knew who the prospective employer is, I would contact them directly and say you refuse to disclose your personal data as your sibling has frequently shown themselves to be untrustworthy with such information.

Ignore!! And I’ve done high level clearance and said unknown for my dad in no contact with. What else was I meant to do? 😆 This is not the big deal some people are making it out to be, she literally doesn’t have your info.

there is your answer. Its not about you it's all about them. You wont be better thought of. What would/have they done for you?

Could you not just put along the lines of :

Vetting agent to contact me directly via (method she contacted you) to complete these details

What a pity the computer directed the message into your SPAM file and you did not see it!

Tell her a load of fiction? Maybe that you are outreach officer for Palestine Action?

I’m sure that would go down well at MI5

Not this!

This would be unnecessarily mean and I am sure that's not you.

I am sorry that your sibling has not been supportive. That hurts. NC is one thing though but actively trying to ruin their life chances going forward is something else!

If you would like them back in your life, you could take the opportunity to extend an olive branch e.g. (1) This sounds interesting but it's a big ask given our history. I could maybe help if you were willing to meet and explain a bit more about it.

If they are unwilling to meet you then go straight to (2).

If you like it NC and don't want to risk reconciliation or if they won't reciprocate (see 1), (2) you could reply that you are extremely hurt by them going NC. Had they kept in touch then you would have been happy to help but given your history you'd prefer not to be involved. Please only contact me going forward, if you genuinely want to renew our relationship.

Think carefully about what you want the outcome to be and act accordingly.

Wishing you all the best, OP.

Like hell I would help them!

This

I'd reply

There is a reason you don't know, I did try and reach out but was rebuffed, think on it.

Some jobs do need this detail it’s standard info for security vetting

I doubt very much they wanted to ask you in the first place but there perspective employer will be asking for them

they will have a procedure for missing details

it’s upto you

I wouldn’t reply. If they need the information for a genuine reason, then whatever agency they are applying for should be able to access it fairly easily anyway.

Yanbu

Don't respond and don't fucking help them 😤

I would write some lovely responses that I would want to send.

Then delete them all and ignore.

If she perseveres then I'd simply write that you are uncomfortable giving her the information given the current circumstances.

But unless she's very stupid, then she must acknowledge getting a reply from you is unlikely. But by asking she can at least tell her future employer that she has honestly tried.

It's not the end of the world for her if you don't.

If you don't want to then don't.

Ask employer to email you you can then give directly to them but to be honest i dont believe i think shes just after your details, i would ask which company shes applying for 1st

Me too, I'd ignore and block. In fact I did

This!

If this person wants to build bridges, they really ought to do so without asking for a favour and offering nothing in return, I would have thought.

The police also used to need this info for background checks, as do councils for foster carers. I think some civil service roles require it to.

OP - don’t bother. They made their bed…

i would only let him use me as reference if they plan to contact me, otherwise not. Once they do I will conpletely reccomend these people not to hire him for x,y and z reasons. I won't tell my sibling of this last bit.

Karma is a beautiful thing.

I'd want to know if it was for a security or government role to make sure it was a legit request and not just curiosity or to pass on your current information to others
If they won't say exactly what its for, then I wouldn't give the details.

However, you've said you still don't want contact with any of them.

Do you think helping your sibling will change her mind about not speaking to you? or You to her? Could it rebuild bridges between the two of you or is it likely that she will get the info and continue as is.
Would you like things to change? Or do you feel its better to keep things the way they are? I guess that's the real question for you to decide.