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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family member asking for favour after they royally f***** me over

158 replies

gunnermartin · 16/09/2025 11:48

I’ll keep it brief but my parents did something monumental after years of bad behaviour's that caused me to cut complete contact with them.

In turn because my parents have money my sibling decided to side with them as they are funded for a lot of things by my parents. Sibling hasn’t spoken to me for two years since despite me reaching out to say I’d like to explain and maintain a relationship, to the point my family didn’t get invited to siblings wedding or even told it was happening.

Sibling has now reached out to ask for all my details (address which no one has, job role, where I work etc) regarding being background checked for a job.

AIBU to say no, put it all down as unknown?

OP posts:
allmymonkeys · 16/09/2025 14:48

No contact has to mean no contact, so don't reply. In what format did your sibling "reach out"?

RafaFan · 16/09/2025 14:48

PearlClutches · 16/09/2025 11:53

I would be very suspicious why they needed such specific details about you to get job checked themselves. At the very least ask they why they needed such specific those details about you because her prospective employers won’t be asking for them.

Actually not that unusual for jobs with the police or anything that requires "security clearance". Also, we had to provide all this info for our parents and siblings in order to get permanent residency in another country.

SockFluffInTheBath · 16/09/2025 14:46

gunnermartin · 16/09/2025 11:58

It is. I just get angry still and wanted to hear from people who don’t have any emotion towards it that I’m perfectly within my rights to ignore x

Show quote history

Yes, you’re perfectly within your rights to ignore. What a liberty they’re taking.

ClawedButler · 16/09/2025 14:41

I think I would do it to help them, but honestly it would only be so I could enjoy the warm glow of smug superiority knowing I'm better than them, it wouldn't be altruism.

Dogaredabomb · 16/09/2025 14:40

If someone is estranged from their family ie haven't seen or heard of or from them for decades could they simply erase them (in these high security situations)? It must be dreadful for people who have been in care, for instance, to have to disclose a slew of people they wouldn't recognise in the street. And may have very scant details of.

Boymummy2015 · 16/09/2025 14:39

I think I'd be telling them to "fuck off"

Dogaredabomb · 16/09/2025 14:32

silkypyjamas · 16/09/2025 13:52

Can you ask her ... "is that your way of apologising?"

That's very funny 🤣

Sassylovesbooks · 16/09/2025 14:29

For those saying it's suspicious that a job needs this information, no it's not. It depends on the job and who the prospective employer is. My husband has high security clearance for his job, due to the nature of his employer, and they require details of his siblings - address, job, date of birth, place if birth and full name. It's not unusual at all. It's not just MI5 who require this type of information!!

Bumcake · 16/09/2025 14:28

Tough titty on the sibling, actions have consequences.

cbbo · 16/09/2025 14:26

Gardendiary · 16/09/2025 11:58

Unless it’s Mi5 I would be suspicious.
I don’t think you should reply at all, don’t even open a dialogue, it will not be good for you and they are only in touch because they want something.

The police also do these family checks! My brother is a police officer and I’ve had to give him my details when he’s moved to different departures or applied for a new job internally

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 16/09/2025 14:24

@gunnermartin I would be hesitant to share or give out any information about my work or my address. Or anything, to be quite frank. Though it probably is for a job, the fact that they could use that information to try and hurt you, would make me unwilling to give it out.

I also would worry about using that information to try and use your name (pretend to be you) to get credit or a loan.

I know some have mentioned asking them if they want "back in touch". It would be easy for them to say "yes", and when they get what they want, to go NC again.

I'd just ignore and not respond at all. That way, you stay safe, they cannot use any reply to manipulate you, and they can't crap on you again.

starfishmummy · 16/09/2025 14:20

They can just out you down as "estranged". If it is for official high level vetting I'm sure the pepple dong it will have ways to find you.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 16/09/2025 14:19

gunnermartin · 16/09/2025 11:58

It is. I just get angry still and wanted to hear from people who don’t have any emotion towards it that I’m perfectly within my rights to ignore x

Show quote history

You are perfectly entitled to!
However, you mentioned that you had wanted a chance to tell your side of things to your sibling - maybe this is it. Tell them that even though you’re hurt that s/he cut you off, you are willing to give the details s/he wants if s/he will first meet with you to hear your side of things. Obviously if s/he refuses, then you can also refuse to give the information s/he wants.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 16/09/2025 14:12

SapphOhNo · 16/09/2025 11:55

Tell them to get to the other side of fuck off and keep going.

Personally I wouldn't engage

Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet · 16/09/2025 14:12

Surely the only response is.
Who's this?

JudgeJ · 16/09/2025 14:09

dizzydizzydizzy · 16/09/2025 14:00

DC1 is a government scientist and had to give complete info about whole family when applying. They have signed the Official Secrets Act too.

Show quote history

When my late OH became a teacher in Forces schools we both had to sign the Official Secrets Act which we found to be very funny, would he disclose details of the latest reading scheme? Over the years we discovered that officers can be very indiscreet after a drunken Sunday lunch, we were once in the CO's office being told never to disclose what had just been said and looking back via Google I can see why! A few Officers got a right royal bollocking from him.

DisforDarkChocolate · 16/09/2025 14:06

I'd let her know any background check would not be positive from you and then let them stew.

MyDeftHedgehog · 16/09/2025 14:05

Not a snowballs chance in hell would I even respond to the request

TalulahJP · 16/09/2025 14:03

Vaxtable · 16/09/2025 12:14

I would go back and say something along the,lines of

Mary

as you know I have made numerous attempts to contact you over the last two years to explain what happened, after all there are always two sides to every story. You made the decision to side with our parents and were not at all interested in my side of the story to the extent that you did not even invite me and my family to your wedding, in fact you didn’t even tell us it was happening.

I am amazed that you have now felt it appropriate to contact me to ask for personal information because it now suits you, without even an apology for your behaviour

I am unable to help you but wish you the best for your future. Please don’t contact me again

This.

dizzydizzydizzy · 16/09/2025 14:00

PearlClutches · 16/09/2025 11:53

I would be very suspicious why they needed such specific details about you to get job checked themselves. At the very least ask they why they needed such specific those details about you because her prospective employers won’t be asking for them.

DC1 is a government scientist and had to give complete info about whole family when applying. They have signed the Official Secrets Act too.

Francestein · 16/09/2025 13:59

I would tell him I would happily be a referee and ask how he spells “mercenary”…. Then drop a “Just being honest…” kind of line.

MyrtleLion · 16/09/2025 13:56

gunnermartin · 16/09/2025 11:58

It is. I just get angry still and wanted to hear from people who don’t have any emotion towards it that I’m perfectly within my rights to ignore x

Show quote history

Perfectly within your rights.

Either it's true and putting unknown is fine. And if it's ultra secret like MI5 they will find you if they need to.

Or it's not true and she wants your details to be in touch with you, for whatever reason.

As you don't want to be in touch with your family, feel free to ignore.

GameWheelsAlarm · 16/09/2025 13:56

Of course it's fine to ignore it.

I would send "I tried to keep up contact with you after having been shat upon by the rest of the family but you ignored me for 2 years, and you contact me because you want something from me. No. You do not have any right to this information. Do not contact me again"

Then block the number and live your life.

But ignoring and not responding is fine.

silkypyjamas · 16/09/2025 13:52

Can you ask her ... "is that your way of apologising?"

NotToday1l · 16/09/2025 13:50

gunnermartin · 16/09/2025 11:56

I don’t wish to speak to any of them again after what happened x

Show quote history

If you are absolutely sure you never want anything to do with them again then ignore the e-mail…….is there a chance when your toxic parents are dead that ye could reconcile?

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