Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

New baby and my mum wants lots of contact

56 replies

Thismorning83 · 16/09/2025 11:17

AIBU? I’m in my 40s and have a 5 week old baby and a 3 year old. My 3 year old is in nursery three days a week and I am with her Friday through Monday with my DH (Sunday through Monday, I am on my own with them on a Friday). Before Mat leave I worked full time in a stressful job. My mother lives 30 mins away and has always expected lots of contact. Usually she texts every morning. I see her and my dad once a week but whenever I do she makes comments such as that she wants to see a lot more of us. If I see her with my baby she says she wants to see my three year old next time and she misses her, even if she has only seen her the week before. Last week she said she was giving me space but would like to see me a lot more (despite seeing me at least once a week). She fell out with my sister for her moving 45 minutes drive away and for ‘putting her bottom of the list’ and seeing her MIL more than her. Every time I see her or text her back she asks when she can see me. She seems to think she doesn’t see us enough but to me once a week is a lot along with daily contact on text. My dad is very reasonable and easy going. My MIL lives 4 hours away and we see her around once every 2 months and she doesn’t expect anything from us. I try to explain to my mum how lucky she is to have us round the corner and have regular contact but nothing is ever enough it seems.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 16/09/2025 11:44

I would tell her that once a week is more than plenty and it will have to reduce as the kids enter school etc etc and take the fall out. She'll come round eventually and tell her straight that you are not going to be blackmailed or pushed into a corner, this is your family now not hers she's had her babies and now it's your turn and your choices. She can do what she likes with that going forward.

Imisscoffee2021 · 16/09/2025 11:42

Its so frustrating as she's putting you in a corner, either you acquiesce or you say no and cause a blow up. She doesn't have to blow up but sounds like it would.

If she had any awareness she'd see thar you see her as much as you want/can. And be happy with that, but her constant communications asking to meet and see you all must be do draining and leave you feeling guilty. I think you just need to say something like "mum I have quite a structured week and it works really well for me, DH and the kids right now. We love seeing you every week, glad you're part of their routine and if we have any ad hoc days free we will let you know, but until we do let you know we will keep to this routine as its working great for us".

Sadly, if she's anything like my mum, she'll find offence anyway and it's frustrating as either you do as they say or kindly and politely don't and get wrath in return. My mum also clashes with my younger sister who hates any needy and pushy behaviour but her pulling away seems to fuel my mums need for attention and inclusion and she pushes worse, sister pulls away more, just ridiculousness.

chunkybear · 16/09/2025 11:35

Keep to your boundaries, once a week is good! Perhaps invite her to babysit some weekends so you can go out with DH? Using it to your Advantage

SunshineAndFizz · 16/09/2025 11:33

I’m a people pleaser so I hate saying no to things like this but have got better over the years. Keep saying no if it’s not convenient for you - and don’t feel bad. Your number 1 priority is you and your immediate family, not anyone else.

Thismorning83 · 16/09/2025 11:29

SunshineAndFizz · 16/09/2025 11:25

Once a week sounds reasonable, you need your own time with your little ones. Is she helpful when she visits?

Thank you. I feel guilty all the time! More often than not she is not helpful and it makes extra work as she is quite negative, but occasionally she will help look after the baby for an hour or so. But I don’t feel I need the help to be honest. At two weeks post birth she rang at 4.30 and asked to bring my nephew over for the evening despite it being a nursery night for my daughter. She said he was ‘desperate’ to see my daughter (he is 14). I said no as it was bed time in a couple of hours and she wasn’t happy at all.

OP posts:
SunshineAndFizz · 16/09/2025 11:25

Once a week sounds reasonable, you need your own time with your little ones. Is she helpful when she visits?

Swipe left for the next trending thread