New baby and my mum wants lots of contact

She sounds bored and demanding, rather than early dementia. Especially as OP pointed out she’s always been self centred. I’d just be blunt and tell her that she is putting a lot of pressure on you which is making your life even harder and you need to take a step back, then do. The world doesn’t revolve around what she wants. She needs to get some hobbies / get herself out of the house more and stop relying on you to keep coming over when you’re a busy mum.

I don't think that's manipulation is it? Can't she just be upfront and say "your sis can do Saturday, would be nice to see you all, can you do Saturday?". Is it the fact she didn't share about your sister that feels like manipulation? Because otherwise I don't see the problem.

She does sound hard work in some ways but the date change plus her other actions (stopping driving, seemingly not trying) could be her attempts to mask early dementia.

How often did she see her mum? Even if she did often, times have changed. Life is busy. It’s hard having two little ones who need you constantly and I suspect your mum has forgotten that feeling of being always on. To me she’s being massively unreasonable and I’d want to put more boundaries in place.

You don’t actually have to see her at all. It’s not compulsory. Please prioritise your family unit. Your mother is simply trying to keep up appearances for her friends, in a quantity over quality way. You ought to be enjoying your maternity leave and your time with your small children. Your mother has had her time. It’s not your fault that she has an empty life.

I’d see her more often if she’s useful. I would give her jobs to do. If she can’t or won’t I would keep your contact as it is. There’s no need for higher amount

Would you rather get annoyed by the amount of contact, or have the kind of mother who really isn't bothered about you or your children and doesn't contact you at all? Just something to think.about.

To me this doesn't sound like a mother who is really bothered about OP or the DCs, she just wants the attention on her - and lots of it.

@Thismorning83did your mother always have these tendencies?

I agree with trying to link her in to help you and kill two birds with one stone.

I wrote a big reply and just deleted by accident!

My mother is the exact same actually worse I would say as she lives alone.
she texts me every day to meet and I’m so weak. I was seeing her every day and even then she still wasn’t happy about things. Through counselling I’ve not reduced it to 3 days a week. She isn’t in best of health and lives alone. It’s exhausting and suffocating.

mine has always been co-dependant with me but got worse when I had kids, eldest is 17.

mine has started creating urgent situations to get me around like saying she’s not feeling well and when I go around she’s fine and wants to go out for lunch.

I work nights and once a month do 7 nights in a row. It’s taken me years to get to a point that she has accepted she won’t see me for that week and goes on and on about it and also hounds me on the Monday when I’m finished and feels like I owe her extra time because I’ve been away for the week!

totally get the whole birthdays don’t count! Mine does the same, if I see her in my brothers for example, it ‘doesn’t count’ as everyone was there!

the counselling helped me live with the feeling that I wasn’t doing enough. I don’t go anymore but prob should start again as it’s creeping back in!

My mum died when my first child was 4 months old so she never even met my two youngest children. However, my situation doesn't mean that other women should be grateful for their difficult and manipulative parents who make their children's lives more difficult. I would never emotionally blackmail women to accept damaging behaviour from their mums just because my mum died.

My kids are adults now and I am a grandmother and I would never dream of guilt tripping my adult children like OP's mum does.

The amount of contact you have at the moment sounds reasonable and she does sound quite needy.... BUT:

Would you rather get annoyed by the amount of contact, or have the kind of mother who really isn't bothered about you or your children and doesn't contact you at all? Just something to think.about.

As a mother of adult children and a grandmother, I try to give my children space. I do message them when there is something to say or a question to ask, which could be several times in a week or not for several weeks. I have one child who lives 6 hours away and who I see 3 or 4 times a year. I have another child who lives 15 minutes away who we see only when we are doing something for them or their children (at their request) or when I ask them to come to us for a meal - on birthdays, special occasions or when their sibling comes to stay, very rarely are we invited to go to see them - and before anyone jumps on me.... an invitation IS necessary. I would LOVE to have more contact, from them. Very rarely do they contact me. I do get sad about it.

What does your mum having passed away have to do with the OP’s post? What “different perspective” are you trying to offer?

My dad passed away a few years ago in very difficult circumstances and I would never pull that out when posters are trying to navigate their relationships with their own fathers. It’s so manipulative.

I would be very firm at this point and tell her you will see her once a week and that’s it. Tell her that’s what works for you and your family and you won’t be discussing it again. She needs to get a life of her own and stop demanding so much of your time, it’s really unfair. You are busy looking after two little children, trying to have family time with your husband, seeing your own friends, bringing the children to different activities etc. My MIL was like this and now she dos one day childcare at her house. We collect the children from there and don’t hang around. My DH sees her separately too as she wouldn’t be happy otherwise. This works for us

Honestly you need to be honest with her and say once a week is all you can manage. Do not try and do extra, because it will never be enough for her. Perhaps you need to tell her that if she keeps pushing you then you will be like your sister and she won't see you at all.

Seriously, you can't win this, have stronger boundaries, hang up calls as soon as one of your DC cries. Do not worry about upsetting her, she doesn't care about upsetting you.

@Thismorning83 I really couldn’t deal with that. She sounds worse than back when you first posted about this! She sounds incredibly intense and controlling, like her emotions and “needs” have to be at the forefront of everyone’s thinking, otherwise she throws a tantrum.

Her behaviour has probably been enabled for decades now, by her whole family… So she’s used to getting her own way.

You said your sister moved away - how is her life now, does she still get as many calls and requests from your mother? I love mine, but I couldn’t handle constant video calls and visits and being guilted into feeling like I don’t spend enough time with my family.

This line is thrown around very easily on mumsnet, but I’d honestly go low or no contact with her… Tell her clearly, mum if by next week you haven’t stopped the frequency of XYZ, I will have to stop talking to you more than (say) once a month / birthdays and Christmas / etc, because this is ruining my day to day life and has become way too much.

You’re an adult OP. You don’t have to do what your mum says all the time now. Take agency of your own life and set her straight if you’re finding it all too overbearing.

Is she useful when she does come? If so, take advantage and get her to have the baby while you do something. Food shop is a good one.
I see my mum 3-4 times a week but for short bursts as she's down the road. Would it be worth spelling out to her that short and often might be what her friends have? Wheras my siblings who live 2 plus hours away see mum every 6-8 weeks for at least 24 hours. So overall pretty similar timing.

How often did you see your grandparents when you were a kid? Is she playing out a dynamic she maintained with her mum, or is she expecting you to facilitate a level of contact that she would never have committed to herself?

I’m really sorry for the loss of your mum. However, OP’s mum and her relationship with her is different. Please do not guilt-trip others into giving in to difficult relatives because of your own circumstances. Those of us with difficult relationships with our mothers hear ‘you only have one mum’ all too often, even when their behaviour is really hurtful and damaging, and it would be healthier to step away and put in some boundaries or distance.

My mum died when my youngest was 3. Just for a different perspective. They are not around forever. I did live 3 hours away though. We spoke every day on the phone. It sounds like you don't enjoy having her around. Just tell her your glass is full and you can't do more at the moment. Or have her come and you go out !!!

You're pouring into a bottomless well - whatever you do, it will never be enough. If you see her twice a week, she'll push for three. If you see her three times a week, she'll want four. Decide what is acceptable to you and stick to it.

Hi OP, how often do you want to see your mum? Do you want to see her every week? I would have a good think about what you want first, rather than being led by trying to manage what she wants. She is not in charge.