To be unhappy DH prioritises £10K/year hobby over our joint savings?

OP I hope he is very well insured if he is travelling and climbing.

If DH had lower earnings because he had taken time out of his career to care for our DC or was sick or lost his job through no fault of his own as a few examples then it would be very different but he simply doesn't want more stress or responsibility so is happy where he's at in his career.

That's absolutely fine but I don't see why I should have to fund that just because I'm progressing and he has decided not to progress any further. If he wants more 'fun money', he's capable of earning it himself.

Where is the rest of the refurb money coming from OP? Is it coming from savings?

Surely if he is having to pay for something for the house it would stand to reason that he takes it out of the savings, wouldn't the house refurb be classed as a joint expense?

The real issue is that he says he "doesn't want to subsidise you" .. that's a disgusting attitude to have, I'm not one for pooling all money personally as I think it can cause more problems than it's worth, but if there is a huge difference in earnings, it's selfish to keep it all for yourself while making your spouse pay 50/50 for all expenses!.. how did that even come about?

I think you’re both being unreasonable. It sounds like you commit to things without agreeing on them beforehand. Taking on a fixer upper is no easy job. You really have to be fully onboard otherwise it breeds resentment. They can be absolute money pits & do require really strict budgeting and being able to go without for the sake of the project is all part of it. If you’re not both fully onboard, you really shouldn’t have taken it on.

When we move, my DP wants fully finished. I want a fixer upper that I can make our own. If I’m going to ask him to compromise on that, then I need to be willing to shoulder the project management etc. and we both have to agree upfront which sacrifices we are and are not willing to make.

I agree with this.

They also don’t realise that it’s unlikely to be horses if he’s only spending £10k a year. 😂

Well I can see that also but I don’t think the OP has suggested that’s the case.

The amount you earn has limited correlation with how objectively hard you work and there
is no reason to suppose someone must dislike their job or find it more stressful just because they earn more. I don’t get why you’d assume the DH in this case is gritting his teeth and doing something he hates solely for the money?

I tend to agree you need shared principles and goals but then I can’t envisage forming a long term partnership with someone who didn’t think along same lines as me. I guess it’s maybe harder to reconcile when there is a really huge gap in your earnings. For OH and I it’s about £1,500 a month or so difference so it’s not immense really.

Regular climber here.

A rack of climbing gear is maybe £1k and would get replaced gradually over about a 5 year cycle. Could be done cheaper than that. Annual membership of the climbing wall is £700 for me, this is optional.

Once that is paid, climbing costs no more than going for a walk.

Spending £10k a year means loads of travel as others above have said.

Mumsnet hate men having hobbies.

The ‘subsidise’ comment would really bother me too. He’s being very disrespectful towards you which is a huge red flag. Personally, once a partner speaks to you with contempt, I don’t think the relationship can survive long term.

I’m a climber, I know lots of climbers. I don’t know anyone that spends anything like that though. The gear isn’t a disposable, it’s an investment up front but you’d have to try hard to spend more than couple of thousand a year, and that’s if you’ve a real weakness for shiny things.

Your partner is spending a ton on TRAVEL or possibly guiding. Climbing can be cheap. The real issue is climbers can be deeply focused (selfish?) and it’s a time intensive hobby. Is the money a side issue? I pretty much gave it up completely when the kids were young. Back to semi obsessed now!

Do those count as hobbies 😁

@mrsmumbles tip- top answer. Couldnt agree more.

I think it's sounds like you value different things. Neither of you is right or wrong for what you want. Best thing is to acknowledge that you both value different things, identify where compromise is already being made (if it is) and decide if how you can better compromise on this.

You mention he earns more than you yet you still split everything 50/50. Are you feeling short on disposable income and unable to enjoy hobbies in a way that you'd like to and in the same way he does? I think of this is causing resentment it is worth a discussion over as well.

In a nutshell.

What a nasty prick.

He's a selfish twat and you are some mug.

It's not about subsidising it's about working as a team and that also means both having a reasonable amount of disposable income each.

Are you planning on having children? If so then you really need to nip this whole everything 50/50 when there is a wage disparity.

As for rock climbing costing 10k surely this is for trips and in that case they are optional. OK he might need to replace his ropes every few years but he definitely doesn't have to spend that amount! I used to be a rock climber gear needs replacing every 5 years and it's certainly not 10k for a replacement rack, harness etc.

Don't have kids with him

The OP is saying that she wants her husband to pause his hobby for two months so he can put the money in their savings.
It's in her first post.

I also don't understand how he can be spending so much a month unless he goes abroad every month or something.

Id be telling him im not happy with him sponging off me anymore tbh.

That's the only thing it can be. Climbing in the UK wouldn't be that much unless hes away every single weekend Friday and Saturday night.

I think he's buying equipment, going to exotic locations, staying in good hotels.

Eh!
Who has said horses could be put on hold?
Horses are about the only hobby that couldn't be put on hold.

Op has said it rock climbing but I can't see how hes spending £250 a week on climbing unless its mainly travel costs, at which point he must be away every weekend when does Op see him?

He's not "subsidising" you. What an awful attitude. If you're a couple, you're in a partnership!
We've always had one pot. That's made life very straightforward.