To be unhappy DH prioritises £10K/year hobby over our joint savings?

@Loopylampshade my husband climbs but in a climbing gym that costs £50 a month, it doesn’t need to be an expensive hobby. Anyway that’s sort of irrelevant, your main issue is your finances. You are not happy with the set up, most people would not be happy with this arrangement when married. Obviously everyone does it differently but most do split costs proportionately.

This is an issue that you need to address, it won’t resolve itself and is one of the main reasons for conflict in relationships. I’m not sure how long you’ve been married or if you have children but what happens if you have to stop work due to illness or having a baby? His behaviour sounds very much like that of a single man, not someone who has committed to another person. He doesn’t sound like you can rely on him to support you financially if he’s so rigid on not sharing ‘his’ money.

I think there are two ways. You either chuck it all in together as a team from the start (usually when you marry, or have kids) or you don't. And, if you don't, there needs to be a fairly forensic working out of who contributes what, both in terms of expenses, ownership of assets, time spent on childcare (and pay potential), working hours vs leisure hours. Both have their benefits, but you definitely have to be on the same page if the former. If the latter, there is a lot more working out to be done. x

Can you see yourself in that relationship longterm?

He just doesn’t want to because he thinks it’s unfair as we both work fulltime.

Is this a typo OP?
Because it's especially fair if you both work FT.

If not and its because you work PT - Is that to get the shopping, housework, facilitating kids done? If so that's still work, makes his life easier and deserves a 50/50 split

I'm in two minds OP. You should be paying proportionally towards the bills, not 50/50.

But the fact that it was you who wanted the doer-upper and your DH didn't, makes me feel that the doing up is your hobby and pleasure, and if so, I don't see why he doesn't get a hobby too.

What is the hobby. This matters. Is it juggling? If he is spending over £10K a year on juggling, then he is a a treasure - YABU

Op is he gambling? Or doing drugs?

Either of those I'd leave.

@Loopylampshade how is 50/50 fair? That’s just a recipe for resentment. I think most people split costs proportionately to income or (like me) all just goes in as family money.

He must earn a lot to be spending that kind of money recreationally each month but it’s excessive if it’s putting you under financial strain.

ETA: hobby guesses

• motor racing/karting
• sailing
• flying/gliding
• polo?

"he also earns more than I do but we do split mortgage + bills 50/50"

If he earns significantly more and you have less disposable income that seems unfair.

You could propose paying the bills, proportionally, according to salary

Flying?

Yacht racing?

Trying to think of expensive hobbies that go on all year round. Skiing isn't cheap but seasonal

What hobby costs that much!

I don't see how you'd spend a grand a month cycling or even on motor bikes.

Horses maybe by the time you add livery, shoes, food, insurance, tack etc.

Pilots licence?

Taking my guesses of expensive hobbies I think his hobbies need parked for a bit until your house is in better shape.

Don’t married couples just pool their resources any more? I couldn’t be faffing about with percentages and splitting bills. Makes me feel like dh and I are dinosaurs!

Is the hobby cycling?

Bet it’s biking

I think you're massively unreasonable to have taken on a renovation project unless you were both on board. Or was the agreement that you would do all the work?

Yes, he prioritizes personal happiness over joint savings, but I'm of the opinion that you knew what you were getting into. He prioritizes this hobby. You agreed to a 50/50 split on bills (which isn't fair, I agree, but you probably shouldnt have bought a house with someone who doesn't see this). He's clearly someone who puts themself first, but you know this, don't you?

Also, if this is an emergency and holidays fund, he's not saving for your future. He's prioritizing his solo hobby over joint holidays.

in my opinion where couples maintain semi independent finance, contributions should be proportional to earning so higher earner should pay a higher proportion of costs. That said, you still need to agree to a budget and make a decision about how much you spend on groceries, home Reno, savings, etc. it sounds like discretionary spending so he should have some say as to whether his hobby is more important to him than home Reno.

(a) he did just want a new build and didn't want to spend all the money on it
(b) but, you both should have reasonable disposable income
(c) a good idea to talk over these things before you buy a house...

I would insist on paying proportionately into the pot. It's not fair you have less money than him. I would also not pay into the savings pot until he restarts. He can't rely on you to fund his hobbies, but he does have a point about the house tbh.

Golf membership to super prestigious club?

Anyway, this is all weird.

Why are you not in agreement on the house you buy?
Why do you contribute 50/50 and not the same percentage of your wages?
Why aren't you just using the savings to pay instead of him being an arse?

Honestly - If you can't afford £1k for decorators without offsetting something, he can't afford 10k for a hobby.

Why do you split the bills 50/50 if he earns more than you?Why aren't they split proportionate to your incomes?
It doesn't sound as though he has taken on board you are supposed to be a partnership. He sounds interested just in himself.