To be unhappy DH prioritises £10K/year hobby over our joint savings?

Loopylampshade · 2025-09-15T23:02:44+00:00

I love my DH very much but I feel he doesn’t prioritise our joint future as much as his hobby. This hobby costs him more than 10K a year, which is fine because he earns a good wage and it makes him happy. However, we are also refurbishing a house for which I have done 90% of the work & organising so far, as he despises it and says “you wanted a fixer upper - I just wanted a new build”. He will of course also benefit from the financial value that gets added to the house by the refurb. He recently agreed to pay a £1K decoration project & to take it off my hands. However he now said it also means he won’t contribute for 2 months to our joint savings (which he could easily afford if he would just pause this hobby for 2 months). This is our safety & holiday fund. Am I being unreasonable for feeling that he prioritises his personal happiness over making a sacrifice that will benefit us both (albeit I care more about the refurb than he does)? Perhaps I am already a bit frustrated because he also earns more than I do but we do split mortgage + bills 50/50, meaning I don’t have as much disposable income as he does. Is this a common thing for couples to argue about? I am just sad about it all

BellesAndGraces · 17/03/2026 13:07

Loopylampshade · 16/09/2025 22:35

Haha what did your DH say

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About half of your responses start with “ha ha” / “lol”. If you can’t take yourself seriously, why should your DH.

I’m not sure how he can be both caring and always there for you while also the man you have described in your posts.

backinthebox · 18/09/2025 09:53

Oh dear! I was delighted that my DC2 got into rock climbing instead of horses like DC1 and me, as I was thinking it would be a much cheaper hobby. 😳

From my pov, I’m spending £1000s on my hobby and having a thoroughly lovely life. DH is supportive all the way. My dad died wishing he’d spent more time having fun than working, and as long as you have food on the table and enough to pay bills with, have fun. That goes for you too, OP, not just your DH. Obviously this needs to be done in agreement. DH just sheepishly refused produced another musical instrument out of thin air the other day. Who am I to object to him spending money on the things that bring him joy? Because I’m guilty of that too.

DorothyGaleFromKansas · 17/09/2025 07:50

WeNeedToTalkAboutIT · 16/09/2025 18:39

That's nice. It's nice that her hobby pays out to him at the end of it all. I look forward to hearing all about how rock climbing pays out to her, and how he does equal mental and domestic labour on everything but her "hobby".

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where did I say I agreed with it? I said “to his mind”, because I suspect that’s how HE is looking at it.

Tiswa · 17/09/2025 07:27

Puzzled by what? That he has to have everything equal and measured out and balanced even in a relationship because either everything has to be the same for both of you or he doesn’t trust you

are you planning children because he is the type of man who would need you to cover 50/50 even then

GreyPearlSatin · 17/09/2025 06:58

Loopylampshade · 16/09/2025 22:23

The new builds in our area (close to family & work) were £100K more expensive which would increase the mortgage by £500/600 a month. We can get this house in the same state with £25K investment & 2 years of doing some DIY (its not big structural jobs - the layout & structure is fine - mostly cosmetic and some plumbing bits). This also was on an overall better street with more parking. Every time he pointed at a house he liked on the street, it was like £600-£700K. I think he just doesn’t really understand house prices haha. The smaller new builds were around £400K and we bought ours for £300K

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Ah, I see. It was a practical decision.

Well, I think your husband needs to grow up and learn about the real world. He is acting like a petulant child and dumping all the work on you.

It's a tricky situation. But if you can hang on for two years and get the renovations finished, I would reevaluate the relationship and see if you want to stay with him. In the mean time, keep an eye on the paperwork and put systems in place so you are not so out of pocket. Maybe also document all the money invested by both in case this leads to a divorce. You definitely will want a paper trail.

myspareusername · 17/09/2025 06:18

Loopylampshade · 16/09/2025 22:14

Haha yes I do think he is very good looking, and other than this issue he is very caring and always there for me. Probably also explains why I am so puzzled by this

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Yes apart from him consistently financially abusing you, he's a real peach!

Genuinely, why did you get married? Marriage is all about the pooling of money and assets. You are permanently in a worse off position than your DH and he is treating you not as an equal but an inferior. He is being a real bastard to you. I hope you find your anger soon. This arrangement is untenable. It would be a deal breaker for me.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 17/09/2025 06:10

I’m curious who @Andthatrightsoon’s grandparent is.

UsernameMcUsername · 17/09/2025 06:09

My brain just frozen up trying to compute having £10k a year to spend on a hobby. I clearly move in the wrong circles 😆

SweetnsourNZ · 17/09/2025 04:20

Needspaceforlego · 16/09/2025 00:27

Yacht racing?

Trying to think of expensive hobbies that go on all year round. Skiing isn't cheap but seasonal

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It's always snowing somewhere in the world. Maybe he does a trip away.

Poodlelove · 17/09/2025 04:15

Rock climbing ?

I thought it was fish again.

spoonbillstretford · 17/09/2025 03:37

babyproblems · 16/09/2025 06:28

The problem with this is that it doesn’t account for time / investments in the family / household work. I suspect that ok you can be fairly clear on money in that its set amounts being paid by each party; but when there’s marriage and children; I bet in 99.9% of cases, the women end up paying their way AND doing the work at home/family AND working equally to their ‘D’H.. which of course is not fair at all and is a huge problem for many women in modern family life. I actually don’t know of a single woman who is in a financial set up like you describe - working and paying their bills as a ratio of earnings - who also has a fair split of the family workload.

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I don't know if any married woman with kids in any financial arrangement has a truly fair split of the workload! I was able to work part time while DDs were younger, as the higher earner, while still earning more than DH. We always completely shared childcare and arrangements around pick ups/drop offs around work though in a much fairer way than I've often read on here. Not perfect but it worked.

Original poster

Loopylampshade · 16/09/2025 22:35

Pebbleinyourshoe · 16/09/2025 10:04

Guilty! I just told my DH this post could be about us but the opposite way round.

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Haha what did your DH say

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Original poster

Loopylampshade · 16/09/2025 22:34

ainsisoisje · 16/09/2025 09:49

Love this!!! Nearly spat out my tea.

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Hahaha, he actually does remote work trips in the dolomites to climb as well 🤣 the rocks are a bit flat where we live unfortunately and the bouldering gym is not satisfying enough apparently

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Original poster

Loopylampshade · 16/09/2025 22:23

GreyPearlSatin · 16/09/2025 08:43

@Loopylampshade I have a question about the house. You said he wanted a new-build, but the two of you eventually bought a fixer-upper. How was this ultimately decided between the two of you and why did you not go for the new-build?

The new builds in our area (close to family & work) were £100K more expensive which would increase the mortgage by £500/600 a month. We can get this house in the same state with £25K investment & 2 years of doing some DIY (its not big structural jobs - the layout & structure is fine - mostly cosmetic and some plumbing bits). This also was on an overall better street with more parking. Every time he pointed at a house he liked on the street, it was like £600-£700K. I think he just doesn’t really understand house prices haha. The smaller new builds were around £400K and we bought ours for £300K

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Original poster

Loopylampshade · 16/09/2025 22:17

holrosea · 16/09/2025 07:46

Hi OP,

It sounds like he has fundamentally misunderstood the legal/financial concept of marriage in the UK. Were you to separate, everything in a big pot and spearated 50/50 would be the starting point, regardless of individual earnings. Similarly, he'd benefit financially from you doing up the house, even if he's never lifted a finger.

From your post, you seem to want to find a solution, and digging deeper into hair splitting i.e. withdrawing your own contribution from joint savings for 2 months, is probably not a way to resolve anything. Personally, I would be concerned that he doesn't seem interested in partnership, splitting things proportionally so that you both have equal quality of life and disposable income, or that he's not interested in the state of your joint house.

Maybe you ought to get onto Relate and see if they have guides for talking about finances, or maybe it would be worth booking in with a counsellor/mediator if the lack of proportional split is bothering you. If you are aware of it now, the gap will grow, as will the potential resentment.

If you have kids is he going to expect 50/50 bill contributions when you're on mat leave? Is he going to expect you to cover all school clubs? As he outearns you over a career and upon retirement, will he plan trips that you "can't" afford?

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Thank you for this kind and helpful reply. I will look into the resources

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Loopylampshade · 16/09/2025 22:14

Shortdaysalready · 16/09/2025 07:35

I've never ever said this on a thread before but I assume he must be incredibly physically attractive. Because everything you have said about him makes him appear like a self centred , immature ,unpleasant man who has no idea that marriage involves caring about your spouse, and compromise.
I can think of no other reason for you being married to him.

Edited

Haha yes I do think he is very good looking, and other than this issue he is very caring and always there for me. Probably also explains why I am so puzzled by this

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Loopylampshade · 16/09/2025 22:11

BeltaLodaLife · 16/09/2025 08:25

I’m not sure if I’ve got this wrong but, are you paying for the refurb?

It’s just the way he is comparing about having to spend this £1000 on the painting and now won’t contribute to savings… does that mean he doesn’t usually pay towards to refurb? And you say you’re doing it all. Who is paying for the improvements?

We both pay for them. I coordinate & do all the work that we don’t have professionals do. Probably around 10 hours of work a week over the past year. I have a fulltime job alongside it. I also contribute a bit more for soft furnishings like bedding, cushions, decoration etc. which is fine as it’s fun to shop for.

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Laura95167 · 16/09/2025 22:07

If the hobby is "outting" yabu

Original poster

Loopylampshade · 16/09/2025 22:06

sandyhappypeople · 16/09/2025 11:52

Where is the rest of the refurb money coming from OP? Is it coming from savings?

Surely if he is having to pay for something for the house it would stand to reason that he takes it out of the savings, wouldn't the house refurb be classed as a joint expense?

The real issue is that he says he "doesn't want to subsidise you" .. that's a disgusting attitude to have, I'm not one for pooling all money personally as I think it can cause more problems than it's worth, but if there is a huge difference in earnings, it's selfish to keep it all for yourself while making your spouse pay 50/50 for all expenses!.. how did that even come about?

Yep refurb is from savings and a small family gift. And the we keep adding to the savings pot each month. And when it’s topped up we decide together what we pick up next. It’s just that he came up with the idea of doing this relatively simple job (and presented it like he agreed it would really help me out.. like best DH ever!!) but knew that our savings were not back up yet. He said he’d cover the bill. I was so happy & thanked him profusely and said how much it meant to me. But he left out that it meant he wouldn’t put money into savings for a while (even though he can afford to)

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Loopylampshade · 16/09/2025 22:05

sandyhappypeople · 16/09/2025 11:52

Where is the rest of the refurb money coming from OP? Is it coming from savings?

Surely if he is having to pay for something for the house it would stand to reason that he takes it out of the savings, wouldn't the house refurb be classed as a joint expense?

The real issue is that he says he "doesn't want to subsidise you" .. that's a disgusting attitude to have, I'm not one for pooling all money personally as I think it can cause more problems than it's worth, but if there is a huge difference in earnings, it's selfish to keep it all for yourself while making your spouse pay 50/50 for all expenses!.. how did that even come about?

Yep refurb is from savings and a small family gift. And the we keep adding to the savings pot each month. And when it’s topped up we decide together what we pick up next. It’s just that he came up with the idea of doing this relatively simple job (and presented it like he agreed it would really help me out.. like best DH ever!!) but knew that our savings were not back up yet. He said he’d cover the bill. I was so happy & thanked him profusely and said how much it meant to me. But he left out that it meant he wouldn’t put money into savings for a while (even though he can afford to)

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Loopylampshade · 16/09/2025 21:57

Nottodaythankyou123 · 16/09/2025 19:38

It may well be a hobby - it certainly was for my DP, he really enjoyed it (albeit it was stressful at times!) but its hobby that will put money in your pocket. It’s just not comparable in my opinion, unless he’s happy for you to keep the additional equity your hobby has provided 😅

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Yes I don’t think he would be pleased if I would take the full profit myself! We could technically sell the house, I give him back what he put in, and keep the rest of the profit all for myself to splash out for a 12 month holiday :-)

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Loopylampshade · 16/09/2025 21:54

LochKatrine · 16/09/2025 10:21

I think he's buying equipment, going to exotic locations, staying in good hotels.

Ha yes it is mostly the travel. Here in the UK it’s quite cost effective. And then with a group of friends they travel for international championships (you’re right about comfy hotels, nothing mega luxurious but no hostels) and across europe and once a year trips outside of europe etc. I sometimes join. It’s a nice community. The social aspect is a big part. I like the outdoors too, I’m just not a climber. All of this is fine with me btw. I agree with posters here that hobbies are important.

I think my issue is more with the unfairness & awkwardness of handling the finances and him being defensive about it.

As a bit more context. He earns 60K, I earn 44K. Which after our mortgage & bills is plenty left for both our hobbies, the house, and savings.

Many good perspectives shared here, thanks everyone, it helps to see it from different sides

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Loopylampshade · 16/09/2025 21:40

Andthatrightsoon · 16/09/2025 09:06

The rocks will always come before you, the house, future finances and your future children, OP. You need to accept that if you're going to stay in this relationship.

(Granddaughter of a world-famous mountain climber here)

That’s amazing your granddad did this. I am ok with this btw. He loves his hobby & the travel that comes with it, and sometimes I join him, it’s great. We also don’t have children and don’t plan to. It’s not so much about the climbing coming before me. It’s him having enough disposable income to do both his hobby + contribute to mutual savings + get this one simple renovation job out of the way, and choosing to only do the latter by not contributing to savings. We have paid most house costs 50/50. Although I have coordinate it all, which is about 2 months of fulltime work equivalent.. and I have put a bit more into soft furnishings. Which is fine, I believe most men don’t care about cushions & candles

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notquiteruralbliss · 16/09/2025 21:18

50Balesofgrey · 16/09/2025 00:07

Bet it's horses!

I wish horses were only £10k a year 🤣

SouthLondonMum22 · 16/09/2025 20:20

myspareusername · 16/09/2025 20:03

@CicerosHead except they are married not bf and gf.
Legally, his money is hers and vice versa.
All big financial decisions should be made together - hobbies, renovations on assets that will hopefully appreciate - so you all benefit.
How he is manipulating family finances could be interpreted as abuse as his disposable income is so much more than hers.
If you don't want to share your wage don't get married

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Or people can have marriages that work for them and talk it through if it is no longer working.

People who are married don't have to share their bank accounts or all of their wages. I wouldn't get married if that was the case.